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Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

Trigger warning.

I wish I had a normal family that loved me.

My mum hit me.
My dad neglected me.
My brother raped me.
How do I ever get over it.

Everyone asked me why I left home and chose to be homeless when I did. I had no choice. People ask why I don't talk to my mum, apart from the abuse she's disowned me for being trans. People ask about dad, what am I meant to say, it's not his fault coz he's sick. And everyone asks if I have siblings, am I meant to tell them how much I hate him for what he did. And my step family, living on the other side of world not acknowledging their crazy relative. It hurts. Families are meant to love you not be the reason you've spent most of you adult life in hospital and the reason you want to die. My mother drove me to start to develop an ED at 5, I stopped talking at 9 when my brother did what he did, by 14 I was self harming, 17 first suicide attempt, 19 homeless and alone, now I'm 24 and today marks 5 years since my first admission, and I'm currently stuck in hospital on an order.
I hate my life. I hate my family.
How do I forgive when they're the reason I'm here.

===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

Hey @redhead I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you've been through and how it's impacting your life today. You have been through some awful things and no one deserves to have that happen to them. No one. It was never, ever your fault and I am really sorry you had to endure all of that. Yes families are meant to be nurturing and safe. It's tragic that so many aren't. I can also relate to this. It sucks. It really, really sucks. 

 

You left home because you knew it was a toxic environment so you did the best thing for yourself that you thought you could do. You have consistently been proactive and getting yourself the help you need in time of crisis. I hope you can see how amazingly brave you've been. Even now as we speak, you're at a safe place i.e. a hospital. 


You don't have to forgive your family right now. You don't even have to think about forgiving them right now. If and when that process takes place, then it will. Right now and for the next while, it's about you and what you need. It's about getting the right kind of help and support when you need it. It's also about acknowledging your strengths and courage and staying close to the things (big or small) that are true to your spirit, for example, art, music, friends, tea, nature. It's mainly about taking it one day at a time and when we get anxious or distressed because of something from our past that has come to haunt us or if we find ourselves fearful of the unknown future, then we show up for ourselves and brings ourselves back to the here and now. We do this by drawing, mindfulness exercises, sipping tea, watching a good show. Whatever it takes. All healing occurs in the present moment. 

 

Stay strong redhead. 

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

@Mona-RO thanks. I just had to get that out yesterday. 

Sometimes I think I've gotten over what's happened then I will suddenly hit me. I wish I had a normal family. 

 

I don't feel brave though. Most of the time someone else gets me to safety against my will. Like this time I was dragged into hospital in handcuffs coz I didn't want to be safe. 

 

I never know how to reorientate myself to the present when I'm triggered by the past, like last night it just took over and I kept having flashbacks and I was a little girl again and I don't like that girl because I feel like it was her fault. 

===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

@redhead most of the brave people I know don't feel brave at all. They feel pretty clueless and nervous and scared a lot of the time because they're not sure where they are headed but they keep going anyway. And it's because they keep going is exactly what makes them brave. Brave doesn't mean not feeling scared. I'm glad you were taken to the hospital even if it seemed like it was against your will. I know there's a big part of you that does want to be safe and that does want to heal. 

 

Yeah I know it's so hard to re-orientate to the present when triggered. It's like the hardest thing to do. One thing to do is accept that you're triggered and not think negatively about the fact that you're feeling bad (i.e. try not to feel bad about feeling bad). Sometimes you really have to let the awful feelings go through you before you can do something soothing or distracting. Other times you can manage to at least try doing something that's safe and soothing/distracting long enough until your brain's attention is diverted from the triggering thoughts and feelings. 

 

Learning to love our hurt inner child is pretty much the ultimate task and it's so important for the healing journey. It takes time though so don't be hard on yourself. Have you done any form of inner child therapy or read up on it so far?

Highlighted

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

Ive done a little bit of it @Mona-RO
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

What do you think about the reading you've done on the inner child stuff @redhead?

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

@letitgo I understand it but I don't know how to put it in practice. I'm not that girl anymore, I've grown into a strong (well not so strong) man.
I know I can't just forget her, but I want to put her into the past.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

@redhead give us a bit more intel to work with here, like what does the info you have say, what do the other folk who support you suggest?  Maybe we can help work out a first step or two?

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

I don't really want to do the inner child stuff.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: Trigger warning... Abuse & csa

That's okay @redhead i guess it's kind of like having an extra ingredient? You know it's there and one day you might want to use it when the time is right!

 

Also i found this thing for helping people with Self-harm that like goes over your arm and gives you things to draw on and other stuff. I am wondering if you ave you ever heard of or tried anything like that?