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Re: Unread Letters

 So a fit of thesis procrastination I stumbled across an old letter that I was going to send to my friend for her 21st birthday (spoiler alert: I maayyy have had a slight crush on her at the time). Suffice to say, much cringe was had, but in the interests of exorcising old demons, I figure I'd share it with you guys in case anyone feels like taking five minutes out of their day to laugh at a certain idiot for a moment or two.

Spoilered for length and cringe.





The original plan was to get this written and nicely packaged by your birthday or your party at the latest in lieu of a card, but between midsems and work and your party it got somewhat lost in the mix. Yes, I'm blaming your party on the tardiness of this message. What else am I supposed to do- accept culpability over my own time management? Preposterous. 


I've never been big on birthdays. I've never been big on large, celebratory events of any kind, really. Or even small ones, for that matter. I don't make much of my own, and being the egocentric, mildly sociopathic individual I am, I lack the necessary empathy to understand why anyone else should do otherwise, typically preferring to spend the time between one challenge and the next pointlessly worrying or passed out from the exertion of the last. Rest assured, this is not a simple matter of spite: It's simply that I lack the necessary energy to generate the enthusiasm required*. I once congratulated a pair of newlyweds on their marriage, and immediately spent the next three months in a coma for my trouble. Three years and 42 orphan-blood spa treatments later, I still haven't fully recovered.

So, it goes without saying that I am bad -appalling, really- at making messages such as this. It's simply not very "me" to wish anyone a happy birthday, and the amount of effort required to write something so fundamentally opposed to my personality might very well kill me.

That said, I feel compelled to congratulate you on your spectacular feat of not-dying for the past 21 years. I’m not entirely sure why- the sentiment seems to be emanating from some dark, decrepit, neglected corner of my deprived psyche, located approximately somewhere in my left breast. It’s weird, alien and altogether too squishy for my liking. Picturing it inevitably conjures an image of “squelching”, “moistness” and “damp”, none of which are particularly likeable qualities, though I do find its rhythmic beating oddly soothing. Perhaps it reminds me of happier days playing the piano while attending to the orderly ticking of the metrono- oh wait, never mind those days were miserable. My tutor would keep rapping me on the knuckles when I played a note out of time and my fingers would swell up like bright, neon sausages.

But I’m getting off track.

(If ever there was one.)

In any case, should the subtext be unclear for whatever unfathomable reason- for I think you’ll agree that my writing is nothing short of crystalline in its clarity- I do bear a mild fondness for you, despite your lack of obvious spines, fangs, tentacles, talons, or other similarly monstrous traits. No, I don’t get it either. Perhaps it would be explicable if you possessed some particularly striking deformities- warts, goiters, etc., but alas you do not. Truly, a mystery. I honestly don’t understand how you can bear to look at yourself in the morning without sprouting at least an antler or two.

But perhaps, that is because I am petty. And superficial. And altogether blind to your finer qualities, like your impish humour and not-so-subtle dark streak. I would also commend you on your artistic eye, were it not for the fact that I’m convinced that you are, in fact, a fraud who simply has the good fortune to consistently stumble across marvellous lighting (or is it just a spectacular appreciation for window lighting that I spot upon your Instagram?).

(But no, seriously, great work.)

Then again, I suppose it is only fitting that you should happen upon such good lighting, for if there is a single quality to you that I find most intolerable, it must be your seemingly innate ability to bring light to those around you- to suffuse our mud-covered lives with a breath of levity and joy that encourages a sense of openness and possibility…even hope. There are moments where you appear to walk without shadow, as if all mortal concerns had been disconnected from your being to make way for a single, fleeting second of unadulterated, sanctified peace. As if the laws of physics did not apply, could not apply, and dared not to bind you to sordid reality.

Oh, how hateful it is.

It is not a feat I could ever imagine equalling, for all my non-existent talents. The shadows bind to me too tightly. Or perhaps it is I that bind too tightly to them? No matter- the distinction is irrelevant. This is after all, meant to be your card- unlikely though that that may seem- and it wouldn’t do to overwhelm it with excessive egotistical navel-gazing.

Of course, it’s probably all just an optical illusion. A singularly magnificent feat of Socha**, rendered all the more impressive by my own formidable practice. 3 years later, and I still have barely an inkling of what lurks behind that pearly, opaque surface of yours. Yours is a veil I cannot pierce; a riddle I cannot solve. A book that cannot be read. Do you have any idea how maddening that is? This is the kind of itch I haven’t had to endure since 4unit math in Year 12.

Part of that is doubtless my own fault- I haven’t exactly cultured a persona of trustworthiness and open discourse while in your presence, have I?

Well, consider this a break in tradition.

[REDACTED], you are a fantastic person with some seriously admirable qualities. Your existence is a boon that elevates those around you, and you carry a levity in your spirit that gladdens the heart and threatens to turn even the most taciturn reptile into a yapping puppy. And that is nothing short of miraculous. So much so, that it feels odd to wish you a “Happy Birthday”, because it is clear that we, the people around you, are the key beneficiaries of your presence, not you.

But I suppose, that may be the best reason for it.

Happy Birthday, [REDACTED]. May you find even a fraction of the good you confer upon us all.

…aannd now, I stand at the dreaded crossroads that I’ve spent so much of this over-long essay delaying.

I’m at a loss on how to continue.

As I so often do with you, I now find myself at a complete and utter disadvantage. It is not a position I usually find myself in, nor is it one I relish being in. For all our differences, I would, no bullshit, very much like to be counted as your friend. Not an acquaintance, or a colleague, but someone in whom you place at least a modicum of trust.

And in return, you shall have mine.

Under normal circumstances that might be a fair proposition, but I have no reason to suspect that you hold any interest in my openness at this stage. My only hope, therefore, is that I may be wrong.

*: Plus, smiling would like, totally ruin the whole “brooding loner” look I'm going for, and we couldn't have that. Besides, you know who else used to smile? Hitler, that's who.

**: From the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:


Re: Unread Letters

It's really sweet @Asche Smiley Happy 



Re: Unread Letters


Shit, that letter is so good! You really are a great writer, the way you  describe your crush so meaningfully yet play it off lightheartedly. I really want to see her reaction to reading it. There is always that one person that you have no idea how they came into your life but the thought of losing them scares you to death. Did she get a chance to read your card? (How did you manage to fit all that into a card?)


Re: Unread Letters

Dear everyone,

Just because I'm not looking at you, doesn't mean I'm not listening. Eye contact is not easy and rather uncomfortable so please stop thinking it's rude or I'm spacing out. I can listen really well without having to point with my eyes at who's talking.


Introduce yourself here with a range of fun and random questions!

Re: Unread Letters

To you, 

Please I will do anything if you'll just talk to me again I know I did the wrong thing I know I was bad bad evil abusive please forgive me please love me again please talk to me again I can't live without you, I'll do anything. 

Love, me

Re: Unread Letters


You will never get to read this but i just wanted to say i'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times i have apologized but never got to make it up to you. I'm sorry for all the times i made you feel like second choice. I'm sorry for our 4am talks about life and the promises of things we will do together in the future but never got to keep. I'm sorry i was never there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry for pretending i was okay with you getting hurt, for under playing how much i cared about you and how much i hated seeing you with someone else. For all the times i never told you that i missed you and all the times i backspaced messages i wanted to tell you. I'm sorry for being exactly want you don't need - for being another passerby in your life. I'm sorry for ghosting you out, for taking you for granted, for missing you after you left. I'm sorry for not making you realize that i love you, i'm sorry i never got to say it back to you. I'm sorry for not being enough to make you want to stay.

I'm sorry that i'm still missing you.

- R

Re: Unread Letters

Dear Mum
Sometimes I say I hate you, you have hurt me a lot and sometimes I saw I wish you were dead. But tonight, I really need you and I really hope you are ok where you are. I think I love you and it confuses me, but I think I love the idea you of you loving your children even though deep down I know it won't ever happen. Please be safe.
from your son who wishes you were around.
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: Unread Letters

Dear Isla
I miss you and please get better so I can see you at access 😥
Your favourite big brother
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: Unread Letters

Dear friend,

i wish you knew just how much you matter to everyone, i wish you knew that not even a singer drop of your tears are worth the person who caused you pain. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, maybe then all your insecurities will disappear and be replaced with admiration and joy. I wish you knew that you are perfect inside and out, you are more than enough and even when you feel like you aren't. I wish you put yourself first, i wish you you knew you don't need anyone to judge your worth. I wish you knew.

Re: Unread Letters

Hi Dad, worry about your own life. At the moment, one’s enough.




- C

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