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Re: Unread Letters

Oh, there's a thread for this!

Whelp, I've been sitting on this for a while, so I may as well get it out somewhere. (bit of a trigger warning though)

 

 

To CM;

 

You told me what I felt,
And tried to correct me when I disagreed
Until you convinced yourself
That my pain was all in my head,
And therefore not your concern.

 

You took the power from me
And kept it for yourself.
Hoarded it,
Until it was you or no one.
Until I had nowhere else to turn.
Was I too young for self-determination?
Too stupid? Too crazy?

 

As my reality shifts,
You repeat the same advice for six months.
Six months of hell.
A hell that doesn't exist outside my mind.
A hell that you ignore.
Perhaps I misunderstood
The point of me coming here.

 

I still return to that hell sometimes,
Dragged back by memories.
That half-year seared the pictures into my mind.
I do not know if I will ever be free from the echoes
Of sounds you told me I didn't hear.

 

-Tiny Leaf

Re: Unread Letters

Cool thread Idea, @Bee.
Let me give this a go...

Dear Nico.

I really need to be with you, but you're never around when I need you. It's like... I don't know, you are slowly drifting away from me, like my other "Friends did. I felt so alone, and now, I have these feelings that I can't tell anyone else. Only you, are the person that I can cuddle up to, and cry.

But because you've been away, and that I couldn't make it to youth group that night you were there, I've missed my opportunity to physically, Hold-On to someone, and let out my sadness. To let go of all the horrible things that have happened.

Like the rumours that are being spread about me. All the harsh words that people call me. Everything that goes on is painful. I'm physically in pain, for crying out loud!

I...
I can't keep going without you, Nico.
I don't...
I don't know. I don't know how I've survived this long.

I just needed a person to hold on to. That person is leaving me. You're stepping back, so your nephews can stand on their own.

But what about me!!!!????

I can't keep standing on my own like this. I need you to help me, just to get myself back up to full strength.



But nobody sees that. Including you.


I just need someone, to lean on. to cry on. And especially,

to feel safe with.


I love you Nico, but I want you to know, that I'm sorry if I never hold on to you again. (I am safe btw).

xXLexi_Lou122Xx

Re: Unread Letters

Dear past/future me,

I know you have so much anxiety about the future, you've always had. Maybe it's because of the absurd notion that you have about never being good enough, or the scary belief that maybe you're not a good person - because who you are and what you are goes against what you have been taught was "right"and "normal". I know sometimes you lie awake at night regretting the things you never said and dreading the words you that eventually need to say. I know sometimes you wish you weren't yourself and i know you hate feeling this way because you know you can't change. I know no matter how many people tell you it's okay to be who you are you will always feel alone and ashamed. You are probably wondering if all those prayers and wishes that you blow from birthday cakes of wanting true happiness eventually came. The answer is yes-and no. The truth is you were happy for a while but then there was also sadness and pain and guilt. You met new friends and then you lost some really important ones too. If you can learn one thing new it is that you can't prepare for life, life prepares you. Nothing lasts forever so learn to appreciate it when it lasts and learn to let things go when they hurt. Best of luck to future you.

 

- Me 

Re: Unread Letters

@Tiny_leaf that poem /letter is very well written. I cried while reading. I hope everything is going okay for you Heart x


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Unread Letters

@Bee oh, thank you!

Good news is, I haven't seen CM for ages, and if I see her again it will be as a result of me making a formal complaint to her organisation. Plus I'm slowly learning new ways to cope with the flashbacks, which is good.

But yeah, there are a few unread letters and poems directed to her...

Re: Unread Letters

I guess it's good that you're no longer seeing her when the relationship wasn't positive.
Learning new coping mechanisms is awesome! So proud of you! Heart

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Unread Letters

To my sister's hospital,
I do not deny that my sister has made progress while under the care of your team, which I am grateful for. Yet, you seem to take delight in deliberately inconveniencing our family and causing us to suffer. You have repeatedly taken advantage of the trust we have placed in you by promising things that you then cruelly snatched away from us and I am yet to see you take any responsibility for your actions. You told us from the beginning that you wanted the whole family's involvement. You wanted us to have meetings in order for us to tell you our honest views and opinions, and assured us that my sister's care would be a collaborative process between us and you. Yet it seems that every time you asked for our feedback and concerns, and we honestly shared them, you callously dismissed them and told us to butt out and stop getting involved, all because it was not what you wanted to hear. Your attitude is basically, 'Waah waah waah, someone disagreed with my unreasonable demands, they're the bad guy' like a whiny toddler having a tantrum.

Let me tell you, we are not the bad guys and never have been. We only want what is best for my sister and the family as a whole. If you are going to make promises that you don't intend on keeping, force us to do things that are going to cost us thousands of dollars, leave us on our own by discharging her when she is clearly unsafe to be outside of the hospital, leave us hanging for months on end without any care, support or communication, stir up conflict within the family, and demand unreasonable and almost impossible things of us that are going to create huge negative impacts on the whole family, then we are going to tell you so. It is our right to have our own say, suggest compromises and alternative ways and explain how we cannot possibly cater for what you want us to do. You are the ones who have decided that it's your way or the highway, and we are not in a position to go to another hospital or complain because you are the experts in treating my sister's condition.

I understand that my sister has not made the progress that you expected her to have made in the short time that she has been an inpatient and that her symptoms and care were more difficult than what you originally anticipated, but we should not be punished for this. You should endeavour to minimise our suffering because it's not our fault. It is yours. You alone should be responsible for her care and progress, not us.

Let's not forget the real reason her admission was delayed, resulting in the decline in her health and inability to make a lot of progress during her admission. You repeatedly claimed that it was due to 'bed availabilty', which we both know was a lie and not the main reason. A lie which you only today have had the decency to admit. To discover the truth, you only have to look at where the doctor in charge of the admission was during all of the months we waited. On several months' holiday on the other side of the country. While he played golf, spent time with his grandkids, enjoyed himself and didn't have a care in the world, we suffered powerlessly at home. My sister was forced to spend all of these months lying in her bed, unable to go outside and do all of the things a typical teenager would get to experience. She spent so much time on that bed that her bones developed holes in them and she developed new health problems. We also had to make an immeasurable number of sacrifices as she needed 24 hour care, disability aids and supervision at all times. It forced us to rearrange our whole lives whilst having no support from the hospital. We had our own health problems which had to go untreated, and not by choice. It totally devastated our whole family, and the hospital was unaware of the struggles we faced because they weren't there for us and the staff were away in our time of need.

I would like that doctor to imagine this happening to his own children or grandchildren before he has the audacity to judge and criticise us for expressing our frustration with the hospital. Would he be staying silent? If he can't put himself in our shoes, then I don't want to hear another word from him. And had we known what he was planning on doing, we would have asked for another doctor to be in charge of her care.

Haven't these doctors heard of the film The Doctor and the book A Taste Of My Own Medicine? I've heard that they show scenes from it to medical school candidates as a test of their empathy and compassion for patients. If you can't show these basic things to your patient and their family, then you're in the wrong career.

Sincerely,
A frustrated sister.

Re: Unread Letters

Dear Self.

Why are you calling yourself bad names?! Why are you mad at yourself?!

You've done nothing wrong! Sure, it may feel like you have, but doesn't everyone?
I don't know why you're self-hating, but you need to stop.

You are not ugly. You are beautiful in your own way.
You are not fat. You are just a little chubby and curvy.
You are not worthless. You are worth more than all the riches in the universe.
You are not a slut. That was a lie said to you.
You are not a hoe. That was also a lie.
You don't need to die. People love you, and you should be proud of yourself.

You are not alone.
Everybody here is going through something or other. But it doesn't mean that you're not important.

Just because people shout at you, and say things that aren't true, doesn't mean you have to believe them.
Just because people don't make time for you, doesn't mean that you are a bad person.



You need to believe in yourself. I'm so sick and tired of you hating yourself, that it's hurting me physically.

Stop hating on yourself. Please. That's all I ask for.

They. Are. Just. Words.

So many people are becoming sad for you, because you won't show yourself love. You keep hiding the fact that people love you, and that they care. You just need to let them care.

You are becoming someone else. Not the same person you were 5 years ago.
Everyone has noticed, and they want to help you.

So stop wearing that hoodie in class time, because you're not allowed to. It's a school rule, and you know it's not like you to break rules. Stop covering up, and putting on a fake smile. You were told it was going to make other issues in the future, and it will very quickly. Just stop. It's not fair on yourself. Or anyone else.

Please. I want to love you, and so do others. But you won't let us. What are you becoming?

What is the real you?

Was yours truly,
Your angel self.

Re: Unread Letters

Hi @xXLexi_Lou122Xx

A really powerful letter you have written to yourself with lots of really beautiful self affirmations Heart I hope that writing this letter helps you take steps toward self love too!
__________

Check out our community activities calendar for September 2019 here

Re: Unread Letters

Thank you @Jess1-RO.
I... I kinda wish I could feel it. But everything seems so sad and empty right now.

The letter did help a little bit though.