Using reading as a coping mechanism
The past two years I have been reading more and more. COVID has meant online classes and rarely going out - meaning more time for books.
Most people would probably say reading is a good thing. But I think the extent I do it is unhealthy. There have been many days I have read for over 12 hours. I forget to have meals, I forget to sleep. I neglect my uni work and fail assignments. I read until 6am, only stopping because the words become too blurry.
It took me a while to realize that I was using reading as a coping mechanism. As a way to block myself off from the real world so completely, that sometimes I forget it exists. Once I realized how dependent on books I am, I tried to limit my reading time, thinking of other things to do at home.
But whenever I spend too much time alone and without a book to comfort me, it feels like there is nothing shielding me from reality. Anxiety and fear rule me, and I find myself feeling lost and scared of the future.
I don't know if I should limit my reading time or try to ween myself off fiction books completely. A part of me is terrified of being so reliant on something, of being so under it's control. Perhaps that's the thing I fear the most: the loss of control over myself. I don't think I could quit even if I wanted to.
Comments
Hi @Jardin Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you for being brave and sharing with us. You have shown a lot of courage in your post and that is really admirable.
Reading is definitely a great escape but when it is impacting on your eating, sleeping and your studies, it can become problematic. Going through so much on your own can be so hard, so I am wondering if there is anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this? A trusted friend or family member, or even a health professional.
You mentioned that you have tried to limit your reading before, do you mind me asking you what you tried? Is there something else you could do that makes you feel better, to break up some of your reading time?
Thinking of you đź’ś
Thank you @Courtney-RO 
The things I tried to limit my reading were: watching TV/youtube and going out to do things with my mum (now that lockdown has ended). I don't know what else I could do . . . maybe I could try starting drawing again.
Answering your other question, there isn't really anyone I would feel comfortable talking with. If I told my mum, she would probably think I'm being lazy and be less willing to support me through uni. And I don't want to tell the uni councillors because I fear they will think the same thing.
Hey @Jardin I'm really sorry to hear that you don't feel you can open up with anyone - that must be a horrible feeling. You mentioned that you think your mum and uni counsellors will think you are lazy and will be less willing to support you - which is something a lot of people would relate to,
It can be hard with family, I often worry about telling my family about my mental health for similar reasons. The good thing about counsellors is that they don't come with the dynamics of family, and their job is to support you with whatever you need to get through uni. They are there for you and so are we!
How are you feeling today, anyhow?
@Bre-RO I'm feeling pretty bad today. I just found out that I was late submitting some of my uni work. Finals exams are coming up and I don't know how I am going to get through them.
Everything feels like such an effort at the moment.
Hi @Jardin I can definitely relate to feeling like everything is an 'effort at the moment', especially with uni finals/exams/final submissions coming up. I am in a book society at my uni and a lot of us use reading for the purpose of escaping a little bit too much as well, perhaps your uni might have a booksoc/readingsoc too? That way you can still experience the joy of reading and the fiction worlds, but you might be able to spend a little more time talking with others and socialising rather than just reading in solitude. I know my book society/club hold a fortnightly chat over discord where we are talk about what we've been reading and enjoying lately.
What an unsettling feeling @Jardin, to find out that you've submitted someting late. Does this have any major consequences or?
Aw. It's not good that things feel like such an effort and that you're feeling really bad today. That really sucks.
What might you do to make things feel a bit easier for you? Sometimes breaking big tasks down into small chunks is a helpful for people, so that it feels less overwhelming.
