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Venting about the loss of my mum

She walked into the house with my older sister, I was complaining about the movie I was watching until I looked up and saw my sisters face. She was crying, her face was red and she was sniffling. My mum looked at me, I couldn't explain the expression she gave me as she asked me to talk outside with her. My heart was racing, it takes a lot to actually upset my family members and my sister crying like that meant something was really wrong. "I have cancer." 

Over the next 8 months my life was a mess, my siblings and I watched her slowly deteriorate in front of our eyes. The journey of cancer is 1000 times worse than the way it is portrayed on movies and shows, they leave out the bad details which I don't blame them for but it left me unprepared for what I witnessed and went through as my mum slowly lost the life she worked hard for. I can't imagine the pain she suffered, it kept me awake most nights thinking of the torture she went through. She had the type of cancer that prevented her from being able to swallow foods, she loved food a lot. That's one of the things that hurt me a lot, she watched us eat and she didn't show it but I know how bad she wanted to join us. Guilt gets to me a lot, the guilt of knowing all my mum wanted was to live, she cried every day and the words "I don't want to die" still stays in my head and I'm sure it always will. The guilt I feel towards my older sister is just as painful, my mum was her absolute best friend and I know our mum's death hit her hard. The day my mum died was the worst day of my life, nothing will compare to how much it hurt. I can't explain it but the emotional pain turns physical in a way, the way my chest was tightened it was like I could feel my heart hurting. I didn't even get there in time for her death I was two minutes late, two minutes. It's been over three months since her death. My school has not said a thing to me and my friends don't even let me say the word "mum" without getting physically uncomfortable around me so I keep my mouth shut. To the outside world I have moved on but in my head I'm still stuck in that hospital room, crying to my mum wishing she would wake up.

Re: Venting about the loss of my mum

Hi @okokok ,

 

I am so, so  deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Cancer can be an awful and cruel disease, and I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must have been for you to see your mum suffering like that Smiley Sad 

 

It must feel so lonely and isolating not being able to talk about your mum much with your friends and having your school not say a thing about your mum's death. I think that a lot of people are deeply uncomfortable about death and dying, and are often terrified about saying the 'wrong' thing, but saying nothing at all can be even worse in my experience. I'm glad you've been able to come here and open up about what's been happening

 

Sometimes it can help a lot to talk to a bereavement counsellor or to other people who've walked the same path as you- the Cancer Council offer a telephone support group for people who've lost a loved one to cancer, if you're interested in that at all you can call them on 

 13 11 20 or 1300 755 632 They can also give you advice on finding a bereavement counsellor, who is a mental health professional who's experienced in helping people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. 

 

Canteen are another amazing organisation who help to support young people who've been affected by cancer, they offer free counselling for young people who've lost a loved one like you have which is available on the phone, over email or via webchat. 

 

How are your siblings and the rest of your family coping? Are you finding that you're able to talk much about what you're going through with them? 

 

Grieving is a really individual process and it can look different for everyone, you write really beautifully here - have you ever tried journalling? 

 

Sending you a lot of internet hugs - I'm so sorry that you and your family are having to walk this path Heart 

__________

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Re: Venting about the loss of my mum

Hi, 

thank you so much for replying to that, I honestly didn't think I would get replies to stuff like this, I will gladly look at those help lines you recommended, I think its the best option for me right now so I really do appreciate it.

 

I live with my sister now and we have helped each other so much since we were the only people who understood our pain at the time, I am extremely lucky to have her. 

 

As for my writing I appreciate the compliment, I do keep a journal I occasionally write in but I haven't had time lately due to work and school. Though having someone compliment my writing has definitely inspired me to keep working on it so thank you again <3  

Re: Venting about the loss of my mum

Hey @okokok,

 

Losing a parent can be incredibly rough to deal with. It's great that you are reaching out during such a tough time and willing to get in touch with the help lines when you might need them.  It's helpful to find support that works. I can understand living with your sister would be very comforting right now as you grieve together.  Try to be gentle with her and yourself, grief is a process and there are no magic fixes.  

 

Please continue to post on the forum, the community is here to support you.  

Re: Venting about the loss of my mum

Wow, this must be such a heart aching experience for you, I am so sorry. I know it must be hard now, but im so proud of you for opening up and reflecting on the experience. That is the first step to moving forward. things will get better, even if it does take a long time. I believe you will see the light at the end of the tunnel Smiley Very Happy And your mum will be an angel looking over you always xxx

Re: Venting about the loss of my mum

Hi @okokok, I'm really sorry for your mom and your situation Smiley Sad and I can understand your grief. My grandpa passed away last month because of cancer. It's also a type of cancer that prevented him to swallow food, and thats a really tough situation because human's body needs nutrition to fight with diseases. And I can't go back my country because of COVID which means I lost the chance to see him forever. I felt bad during that period even though I'm not that close to him, so I can imagine how sad you and your families are right now. I suggest you to see a professional and ask for help because grief is really depressing Smiley Sad, it might be hard to go through everything by yourself.

Re: Venting about the loss of my mum

Hiii thereeee, just seeing how you are going...how are you feeling now that you have had a bit more time to process? xx