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Well, my depression story

About mid way through December (DEC 11th 2012) my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me. She was my first relationship and we spent nearly every day of when we knew each other together. From half way through year 8, all the way through to the end of year 10.

We were together at the year 10 graduation ball but she seemed to have been 'ignoring' me at the ball. We then went to an after party together were we had fun and talked with all of our friends from highschool.

 

Straight after grad ball, it was the holidays. 2 days into the holidays she started sending weird messages. I thought it was nothing at the time because she often had mood swings, they weren't weird as in alien-like or anything, she just seemed distant and didn't feel like talking to me.

That night she said she didn't know how she felt about being with me anymore and I messaged back 'Tell you what, if you come to my place tomorrow (As we planned to do days earlier) we are still together, if not, well yea'.

Tomorrow comes and I stay in bed all day worrying that she won't come. She doesn't. I send her a message at 8pm asking why she didn't come and she said 'I don't love you the same anymore'.

I was heartbroken, I was crying, I was unable to sleep, I tried messaging her but she ignored what I had to say.

She comes the next day, not to apologize, but to break up with me, she explains to me why she wants to break up with me and she said 'She doesn't know what she wants, but it feels like you're holding me back'. Truth is, I had no one except her, she was literally all that I cared for other than my family. She explained that she wasn't happy, even though time after time when we were together she said that she was happy and that she loved me and never wanted to see me go.

It turns out the day that she was meant to come to mine she went to one of my friends places to pick up a copy of the disc of everything that happened at the grad ball. She went with her mum and brother, they were invited inside and they stayed longer than expected. How long? From 11am to about 7pm. This same friend was the one that she danced with at the grad ball, I never thought anything of it because they were just friends.

Anyway, she stayed there and their families had dinner. While I waited at home to see her, periodically checking the clock and then just crying, I lost hope as the hours went by.

The day that she came to break up with me she answers my questions but leaves my house, she agreed to stay with me until we work things out a bit more and we see each other next.

The next time I see her is 3 days later at the year 11 and 12 seniors college that will be going to this year. It is 2 days there for orientation, just to get us used to the classes we will be taking this year.

She basically evades me all day both days. The only time we actually talk is the morning of the second day where I give her a note on how I felt. It was mainly about how much I hated everything that she did the past couple of days but reassured that I still loved her.

She breaks up with me for real this time.

I don't sleep well and have nightmares everynight (I still am having them), I begin losing weight, I lose about 8kg in a week from not eating. And I'm very tall and skinny already, before I lost weight I weighed about 65kg.

Then my dad buys a new car. A ford territory 2012 edition. Now, we aren't a very wealthy family, low to middle class income but he had been saving up for a long time and finally thought that he would be able to stay in his job for a much longer time.
He is told that they are shutting down the local branch and that he will lose his job, 2 days after getting the car.

Re: Well, my depression story


I arrange to see my ex on DEC 19th 2012. She says she wants to see how I'm going so she agrees, we go into town and we talk about us. We go to dinner and spend the rest of the day by the river watching the sun go down, she says she wants to try again and that she is sorry, She says she is happy with me.

I go home and sleep happily for the next 2 days, messaging her and being absolutely over the moon.

Then we go to Queensland for a pre-planned holiday.

2 days of driving, nothing but thinking about her and what she did to me and how hurt I am but happy at the same time. The only reason I agree on going to Queensland is so I could get the hours on my L-Plates up, I drive for about 5 hours the entire week and a half we are there.

We spend about 5 days in a town called Dalby where there is nothing to do.

I have nothing to do but message her, and she has things on so it takes time for her to message back.

She tells me she changed her mind and doesn't want to try again one day. I die inside again, I can't sleep again, I'm super sad, again.

The next day she said she made a mistake and does want to try again, for real this time, no mess ups, nothing.

I ask her to call everyday I'm there, but she says she doesn't like talking on the phone.

Christmas goes by and I'm ok, getting there, doing fine. We then say goodbye to the relatives and drive on to the Gold Coast to see my uncle. We stay for 2 days and then go to visit my dad's mum. We see her and then decide it's time to go home, all the way back to Victoria. We leave and it's just 2 more days of sitting in the car thinking of her.


I remember there is a new years party that me and her were invited to and I tell the party host that maybe I can make it after all. I tell the party host that I'm coming and her that I'm coming.

After 2 days of driving, 10:30 new years night I arrive at the address and begin to feel happy again that I can see her.

I see her, I"m instantly filled with anger, sadness and betrayal. Everything she has put me through suddenly comes back to me, I try and talk to her but no words come out. She asks me when she wants to talk to me and I say soon, when I get my head straight. The countdown happens and I'm still feeling sadness, anger and betrayal. She comes and sits on my lap to talk, the smell of coconut and alcohol is on her and my god it makes me sick. She just sits there and asks me small questions on how I'm feeling, I tell her I feel really bad and that I just want to hold her. She gets bored of that and walks off to talk to friends, she comes back and checks on me every so often and then eventually sits on my lap again. This time, the phone rings and it is him.

He called to wish her a happy new year and they talk for 5 minutes. All while she sits on my lap. By now, I'm really angry, like over the top angry. I wanted to talk to her all while I was away and she says no, I even tried calling her a couple times but she never picked up.

She asks if I'm mad and sure as hell I am, but I don't say I am. I don't hold her and just look at my hands, holding in tears and anger and just plain rage.

She walks off and talks to friends again.

She leaves me there until 2am when her parents come and pick us up.

They drop me home and she walks me to the front door. I tell her I'm sorry for ruining her night and being all mopey, she says she'll see me tomorrow (2nd of January). I tell her ok, I go to sleep with so much rage and sadness that I sleep all the way until 1pm the same day.

I'm a wreck that day, my parents went out with my little brothers to a spa and left me home alone to sleep.

I cry and cry and cry, all day long because I know that even though she says she wants to try again, it won't be the same ever again. I finally get bored of it all and call her, she doesn't pick up but messages back 'What do you want?" I tell her that I want to talk that's why I called, but since she 'doesn't' like being called, I ask if I can visit, she says sure.

Now I was already on a walk when I asked that question, I wore thongs on my walk and I thought, her house isn't too far away, I could run there bare foot.

It was almost 40 degrees out and I hadn't had much water that day.

I arrived at her place and had two glasses of water.

I ask questions on why she would have pictures of 'him' up on my wall, the same person who she visited that day that she said she would visit me and the same one that call her on new years eve.

She said that he makes her happy and that she is over me because I was mopey all new years eve night.

I cry in her arms and begin to shake out of disbelief. My feet hurt from the blisters that were made as I ran on hot asphault.

I begin to go numb in my legs and hands asking why she would pick him over me. She said 'Because he makes me happy'.

I begin hyperventilating and choking on my sweat, I no longer have control over my hands and legs, I can't sit up straight anymore and I'm a crying mess. She tells me to stop it, I choke out that I can't help it, please help me. She leaves the room crying leaving me there on her bed, almost passed out. The last thing I heard her say was her getting her mum.

Her mum comes in and gets me a glass of water, I tell her what I can manage to get out but I can't do it.

She takes me home and tells my parents what has happened, that me and her broke up. I lay on my bed crying and trying to keep conciousness. After her mum leaves my dad comes in and comforts me, I try telling him what happened but I can't do it, I can't move anymore.

Lucky my dad is a volunteer firefighter and knows first aid. I'm dehydrated, severely. That's why I was shaking. That's why I could barely walk straight and why I couldn't move my hands at all. He puts me in the bath and gives me firefighter grade electrolyte drink and lots of water. I begin to feel better and stop shaking. My mum calls my uncle who lives just around the corner who is a nurse, he just looks over me and confirms that I am dehydrated and that we should probably call an ambulance.

By this time I'm ok, not dehydrated anymore, just extremely sad.

I go on facebook and I have 5 new inboxes from people asking if I'm ok. I tell them I am.

I don't talk to her for the next few days.

She doesn't come over on the 2nd like she said she would. Instead I go to the doctors and tell her the story. She tells me I have mild depression and that I was dehydrated and thanks my dad for what he did by treating me.

I go home that day with a booklet with information on depression, a tub of supplements for the nutrition I need because I haven't been eating and a little container of sleeping pills, to help me sleep.

I tell the ex I have depression and ask if she wants to help me. She says no at first but over a week she changes her mind.

I saw her the other day and talked to her for the first time, she showed up in my bedroom with a bottle of cologne as a christmas present as I was playing games out of no where. Who knew how long she stood there before I finally noticed she was there. But she said she was dropping it off before going to the pool with an old friend who she had 'had' a crush on in early year 8. She got a message from the guy saying that he couldn't make it and she asked if I wanted to come instead. I don't know what made me say yes, but I did.

We went to the pool and I told her everything that had happened, the dehydration and the depression. She said she did want to help and that she was sorry for everything she put me through.

We organised to go shopping two days later (yesterday) so I could buy clothes. I have no fashion sense and she gave on honest opinion on clothes that would look good on me.

She said to me that after everything the guy didn't actually like her the way she thought she did and she only broke up with me so she could have a chance with him. Now she said didn't know what she wanted other than she wanted to help me.

That was yesterday and today I went to work, all I could think about was how angry I was with her that after two and a half years of a happy relationship, she decides she wants to see if there is a chance that her and one of my friends could get together and be happy.

I told her I'm angry and she said she was worrying about her own things right now and she will get back to me later.

That was at 2pm-ish today.

I know she legitimately wants to help because she sent this (quote from facebook message) "look i understand what you are getting at i really do, i do care for you and what you are feeling but i am tired of you thinking that i don't care about you. I may not care for anything at the time but later on i will. You just have to give me time. Now i wont reply because i have to pack for monday morning. il talk when i am ready."

I have depression, she makes me happy and she wants to help. But she caused this depression, should I accept help from her? Or will I just get myself into a deeper sadness? When I see her I'm happy, when I'm with her I'm happy but after all this, I just feel betrayed and sad and angry with her.

Re: Well, my depression story

Hi Pearsoap, welcome to the Reach Out forums! Sounds like you had a lot to get off your chest! Sometimes it can make you feel a bit better just by writing it all down so it's not all bottled up inside your head.

 

Being in a relationship limbo is hard, and you deserve to know where you stand - even if that does mean it's over. Relationships are dynamic and capable of changing, but once you lose that sense of trust and security, it can be difficult to accept someone back into your life if you're constantly wondering if they will hurt you again. But there is no point in trying to guilt-trip or pressure someone back into a relationship, as you would always know they weren't there for the right reasons.

Breaking up sucks, it really does. But it does get better over time, even if it doesn't feel like it will right now.  Reach Out have a fact sheet about breaking up with some helpful suggestions on steps you can take to heal the pain, like keeping busy and trying new things. There are also a couple of stories you might identify with here and here.

 

If you would like some more information on Depression, you will find plenty of available resources on Reach Out, including some ways you can help manage it. It's fantastic that you have taken the first step and have seen a doctor and talked to your parents about it. You might also like to try options like counselling to help you on your journey to healing. Kid's Helpline offer online counselling which is free, anonymous and available 7 days a week. You can also call them any time on 1800 55 1800.

 

Please keep us updated on how you're getting along. You're definitely not alone, lots of us know just how sad and confusing relationship troubles can be!

 

 

 

Re: Well, my depression story

Hey Pearsoap,

It's not fair/right that you had to go through all of that. She shouldn't have treated you that way.

I'm sure people have told you about how people change and experiment throughout the teenage years (and the rest of life), so I'm not going to go in to a big talk about that but it is a good thing to keep in mind.

Perhaps it would be good for you two to take some time apart, it would be great for the two of you to get to a stable place but it seems like she's not going to be able to offer you that stability right now, even if she does want to help.
You also admitted yourself that because of these recent events you have these negative feelings towards her, it may be better to focus on yourself and who you are without her for a bit, then when you're in a better state you can choose to work on your friendship.

I can imagine that thinking about cutting her off for a while could be a scary thing you wouldn't want to do and the happy feelings/memories would want to talk you into to continue with her, but what advice would you give to your best friend/any friend/brother/her if the situation was theirs?

Re: Well, my depression story

I've never been the overly emotional type, but when this all happened I found myself in moods that I hadn't experienced for so long.


I've tried cutting her off and not talking to her, but as you said, the memories keep talking me into coming back. I want more of those memories but first I want to get better and get over what she did to me. She really was all I had that made me happy I suppose, because before her I was in a state of depression as well I suppose. Throughout primary school and the beginning of highschool I was bullied, but when she came into my life it all got better.

 

After reading over what I wrote last week, I made it seem as though she was a terrible person, she isn't really, just what she did was.

She said that what she did to me was a mistake and that she is sorry, she said that her curiosity got the better of her. I want to get better and get over these violent mood swings before we decide what we do next. I just don't think I could do it without her, she is what calms me, even if she is just talking about what she did that day.

 

Am I overly-attached? Is that what makes it so hard to just stop altogether?

Re: Well, my depression story


Pearsoap wrote:

Am I overly-attached? Is that what makes it so hard to just stop altogether?


I wouldn't say "overly-attached" is the right phrase but to me you seem you might have some dependence on her for your happiness.

 

I can't remember where I saw it but when I was about 19 I discovered/realised/read/heard that the only person who could truly make me happy is me. This isn't 100% true — friends and family can share in making you happy too — but it taught me that if I absolutely must place all of my dependence for happiness on one person, that person should be me, not someone else.

 

 

From what you've written, it seems to me like you're making some progress. The thoughts from others here seem pretty useful too. How are you coming along?

Re: Well, my depression story

I'm still struggling to be happy for long periods of time and sad thoughts and thinking of bad things dominate most of my waking time, but I can eat properly if I have a good day.
So, good I think.