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What do i do now

Hey, just kind of want a bit of advice and help. just need to let things out.

 

start off by saying that im 19 years old and have recently broke up with a girl that i dated for almost 4 years, she was my first love. She lived with me and before we dated she was my best friend. i really thought we had something soo good together.

 

about 2 months ago she came to me and said that things wernt the same an that they have been different lately( what was true). we are both so busy with work and studying that we didnt spent as much time together as we used to. And i got so comfortable that i just started to take our relationship for granted, just always thought that she would be there for me.

 

when she sat down and said something it really made me realise. then i took her out for breakfast the next day and thing felt great. but she came 2 days later and said that she needed a break( what competely destroyed me i was the biggest mess). We met up a week later and i had wrote alot of things down, i really wanted to fix things and make her feel special again. but it didnt really go the way i wanted it to go and she broke up with me and said that she didnt feel the same way about me anymore and she needed to do this for herself. we didnt get into a fight about it or anything like that( i think in our whole relationship we had about 1 fight). She still said she wanted to be friends and that she wasnt trying to hurt me.

 

We caught up for lunch and that a few times in the following weeks as friends and we talked like we hadnt in very long time. following that we had our birthdays coming up and every year we would always do a joint party as our bdays are 2 days apart. before we had broken up we had orgnaised something and we said that we would still go ahead with it and we did, but that night turned into a mess, she didnt really talk to me and i was just a complete mess the whole night. next day i was ment to spend the morning with her family and her for a bday breaky and well after that night i just felt like complete shit so when she arrived i gave her her present and said if this is what you want then goodbye and just left.

 

during the day she messaged me and said what is that ment to mean. we ended up saying things to each other back and forth and it almost got to the point of being a in a fight so pritty much just said to her i refuse to get into a fight and as much as i dont want to its better that we spend time apart.

 

it has now been just over a month without seeing her, ive sent her a few messages saying that i miss you and things like that no replys ( unless she felt the same way its probaly better that she didnt reply). i tried giving her a call to just be like how are you, but she didnt answer.

 

so right now i just dont know what to do i still love her and want to be with her, but i know that unless she feels the same its not going to happen.

its so hard with things like facebook seeing what shes doing and having all the same friends. just seeing picture of her brings back so many memories and just makes me feel so much worse for ruining the best thing in my life. im really struggling to hold it together.

 

Also we have trip planned for the end of the year to go to japan for 5 weeks, the weeks after we broke up we talked about it and said we would still go but at the moment i have no idea whats going to happen, as flights have been paid for but the thing is just dont look her as only a friend.  

 

sorry for posting something so big just need to let things out

Re: What do i do now

Hey mate Welcome to the forums Smiley Happy

I diffinitley know whats going on for you.. im in a very similar situations and its never easy hearing someone you love so much and have loved says they dont feel the same way anymore.. same things happened with me it was broken off relativley nicely with the occassional argument but i guess thats what happens.

 

One thing im finding with this whole thing is while we are young and in a relationship esspecially a long meaningful one someone always freaks out and thinks this is all they have in there life. my ex did the same thing to me im 26 shes 20 and she tried to blame it on me a bit but when it comes down to it she is the one that had the problem..

 

Your only young and that doesnt mean what your feeling isnt valid but most of the times these things dont work out the way we hope they would. its a hard pill to swallow.

I even did the same thing to another girlfriend i had..  i was 19 and started thinking is this all i have coming in this life? weather or not its true doesnt matter at the time really.

 

Its a killer situation mate.. your gunna feel inadequate not good enough.. like you have done wrong by her.. your gunna put her on a pedastal and see her as the be all and end all of life....

Just trust me and im sure others will back me up.. its not true mate. It may be the best thing in your life atm but it doesnt mean its the only thing you will ever have.. ive broken up and been broken up with and i still love the next girl just as much.. if not more...

 

For now you need to work on your self. and there are heaps of ways to do this.. you can start smashing exercise to get your self feeling pyshically better, this will help your own self image to.. Also i think its important to access your thinking in this time aswell... all the negative thoughts are not helpful to you.. When you get them think to your self.. is this really true? if i was giving advice to my best mate about this would i say something like that?  be rational about whats going on you dont want to let all the negatives start ruleing your life and how you think.

 

I know you want to do whatever you can to get her back and love you again.. So did i mate. but then you relise why should i waste all this time and energy trying to make someone love me back when there are so many other people out there that will love you the way you are.. like i keep saying its not an easy road ahead.. But be smart and do things right by your self.

 

Facebook is a killer for this stuff. If you can maybe delete her? let her know its not because u hate her but because u need to do it for your self just like she said to you. If not stay the hell away from it. all that did for me is cause me heart ache everytime i saw her face or name or her talking to anyone it drove me nuts!! so just the heads up on that one buddy

 

Keep posting on here if u have to mate and dont be sorry for how long your msgs are least ur giving your self the chance to move forward

All the best mate

Ryan

Re: What do i do now

While space is good, she could have at least written a letter/email explaining what she thought had changed! No wonder you are confused- I would be too. It's not fair on you. Like ryan said(apologies if I paraphrase), there are heaps of girls out there and just because this girl has a chip on her shoulder, doesn't mean no one will ever be interested in you- they will. Saying that, being single's OK too! Smiley Happy 

Re: What do i do now

Hey Casper,

Thanks for sharing your story.
I agree with a lot of what Ryan has said.
It's hard to come out of any relationship but especially a longer term one. It's also harder to get over someone when you're not the one who made the decision.

Facebook can really complicate things, can't it?! I definitely agree with Ryan on that one - delete her, but let her know that it's because it's just too painful for you. I had to do the same a few years ago - tell an ex that yes I wanted to be friends, but at that point it was too hard and if I got to the point that I was okay with it - I'd be the one to contact him. That way he wasn't popping up in my life unexpectedly and making all those ugly emotions worse!

The Japan trip is a tough one - It's something only you can make a decision on if you feel up to doing the holiday together.

Taking time for yourself to work through how you're feeling is often a good approach to any change in your life or decision you have to make.

There's loads of great resources on the site here that might help you out a bit.
Try this one: http://au.reachout.com/Dealing-with-a-break-up

JD

Re: What do i do now

Thanks. seeing her in about about hour to go over the trip ( she contacted me yesterday).
At the moment i feel its not a good idea to go, as much as this is a trip of lifetime and its something i really want to do in my life. Truth is it isn't going to be the same as just friends. Its sucks but yeah.

Mmm starting to thinking just going our separate way is going to be the best. I just can't bring myself doing it
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Re: What do I do now

Hey Casper,

 

Just saw your post mate. How did the meet-up go? Are you still feeling that not going on the trip together is the best idea? I tend to think you are right. My experience is that travel, while a great experience, can also be an intense one. If things are not great between you already - traveling probably isn't the context in which things will get resolved. On the contrary, it is more likely to exacerbate your problems. 

 

Also, while you might not be able to get a refund on the flight to Japan - you probably could change the time you go without much extra cost. Is there someone else you could plan a similar trip with? I know it wouldn't be the trip you were planning on - but I suspect you will probably end up having more fun if you go separately. 

 

Take care mate, and let us know how you are tracking.

 

 

Re: What do i do now

Well i said that its probably better that we don't go as its just not going to be the same. And she agreed with me on it. And mentioned that i think that i might need to delete her from facey as i said just can't keep living like i am and she said that's ok if thats what i need to do. She said she misses hanging out with like our group as they were her friends but they are guys so they have chose to hang out with me now that its over but i said its to hard atm to all hang out together.

Was so hard seeing her as we sat there and talked for about an hour or 2. But she's made it pretty clear that this is not what she wants anymore without being really mean at all about it .

Re: What do i do now

It sounds like you have made a very wise, it not at all easy, decision mate. Good on you for - I know from personal experience how hard it can be to admit that going your separate ways is actually the right thing to do. It sounds like she is doing everything she can to support you in the circumstances as well, which is a relief.

 

Are you still going to go to Japan - but with other friends? I totally think you should - it would do you the world of good.

 

 

Re: What do i do now

Its a shame
Was really looking forward to it
As much as i want to, none of my mates have the money to go on such a big trip.
But i might still try get away at some time over Christmas.


I feel like there such a big part of me missing now

Re: What do i do now


casper wrote:

I feel like there such a big part of me missing now

This reminds me a lot of a sketch from about five years ago that still does the rounds today.

 

 

I know you feel like a big part of you is missing, but maybe this is a good opportunity to run against the wind and hear that whistle. Smiley Happy