What's wrong with me?
Hi. This is my first time posting here so bear with me.
To start off, I was a quiet kid in school. I did not have many friends as I struggled with talking to people. It wasn't until in Years 10 through 12 that I came out of my shell (just a little) and had a few friends. Since I started uni, I had struggled with understanding equations and managing deadlines for assignments, tests and exams (I am studying Engineering). I have since received support from my mom. And by support she would help me start and finish assignments and I would get good grades. While I do appreciate her support, I sometimes feel like an idiot. Just recently, I was supposed to write my mid-semester test online at 10 am and finish at 12 pm but I ended up writing at 11 am and finished at 12:25pm. I felt completely stupid as I should have known or thoroughly checked the start and finish times provided by my lecturer. After the mid-semester test, I told my parents about it. I was told that I was a curse and a burden in my mom's life and that I will never survive in this world (I am 19 btw and live with my parents). This is nothing new to me as I have heard it before, but I am still hurt by her words. I am hurt because its the truth. And truth hurts sometimes. A part of me agrees with her that I am a burden and bring a curse in her life. Like she said, I bring her pain and burden in her life. I don't want that for her. All of this is my fault as I should have been organized in knowing what time to write the test. I should have also scheduled the time in the calendar. But now that its over, her words keep replaying in my mind. Maybe something is wrong with me. I cannot succeed her expectations. I feel as if I am not good enough for her. I am useless. She goes to work every day providing for the family and yet I am at home doing online uni. I now get her frustrations and why she wishes she did not have me at all.
I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice or suggestions?
-Rose
Comments
Hi there 😊
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community, especially since it is your first time, so no need to apologise! First of all, I am so sorry to hear it has been a tricky time for you, I know how heavy it can feel to not meet expectations for academic performance, and how it can feel as if it impacts not only yourself, but also your family 🌸
It can also be difficult to balance seeking support from your mom and also wanting to do it on your own. Given this, of course it can be easy to focus on your own short comings, especially when it feels like you've made silly mistakes. I can assure you that you are not alone in these feelings, especially in university, instead you can only learn from them & try to be better next time. Remember your personal worth is not defined by your academic performance, you have come so far & engineering is not an easy course in itself.
It is possible considering your Mom has helped you out in the past with your academics, her comments may be stemming from an attachment to your academic performance and or even her own personal insecurities. These however do not justify her comments, but instead may shed a light on her feelings. It may be worthwhile having a chat about boundaries and or ways you feel she could best support you with your assessments. It seems like you value her a lot and may want to keep her involved in your studies, so maybe she could help out with reminding you of deadlines or assist you in finding support (e.g. tutoring) for the specific equations you are finding tricky to understand.
I hope this was helpful & I wish you all the best 🌼
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of emotional weight, both from your own self-doubt and from hurtful comments from your mom. It's important to recognize that you're not alone in feeling overwhelmed, and there are steps you can take to support yourself and address these challenges.
It's natural to feel hurt when someone you care about criticizes you, especially when those comments touch on your own insecurities. It's important to validate your own feelings and understand that it's okay to feel upset.
Remember that harsh words from others do not define your worth or capabilities. It’s crucial to differentiate between constructive feedback and damaging comments. Your worth is not determined by your performance or someone else’s opinion.
Set Realistic Goals: Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate your progress and achievements, no matter how small. This can help build confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
Develop a system to manage your time effectively. Use tools like planners, calendars, or digital reminders to keep track of deadlines and appointments. Establish a routine that helps you stay organized and prepared.
Build a Support Network: Reach out to friends, classmates, or mentors who can offer support and encouragement. Having a network of people who understand your experiences can provide emotional relief and practical advice.
Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that help you relax and feel good about yourself. Exercise, hobbies, and relaxation techniques can help reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
Embrace Growth: Understand that making mistakes and facing challenges are part of the learning process. Everyone makes errors, and they don’t define your abilities or future success. Shift your focus from perfection to progress. Recognize that each step you take towards improvement is valuable, even if it’s not perfect.
Remember, you are not defined by your mistakes or by the harsh words of others. You have the ability to grow, learn, and succeed, and there are resources and support available to help you through these challenges. It's okay to seek help and take steps towards building a more positive and supportive environment for yourself. 😊
Hi @ShyRose
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds like there may be more at play here than laziness - usually a fear of failure and performance anxiety can contribute to procrastination which leads to avoiding meeting deadlines or even checking your assessment schedule (which even the thought of can induce feelings of anxiety). I am wondering if this observation resonates with you? If you are interested, there are plenty of articles on ReachOut which can assist you with this challenge How to Overcome Procrastination🤗
However, this does not warrant these hurtful comments from your parents as you seek support and guidance from them. Their comments are completely unwarranted under any circumstances. I do not see how these labels would aid you in overcoming your academic concerns. This has led you to now perceive there to be something wrong with you and that you are useless. You are not useless nor is there anything wrong with you. The demands of university are overwhelming, let alone in a challenging degree such as engineering 💜
As others have mentioned before it would be of great help to communicate these heavy feelings to your parents and how they are negatively contributing to your wellbeing. Definitely recommend contacting your university for support services to assist you in your degree!
Just checking to see how you've been managing these feelings. Looking forward to hearing from you 🤗
Hello @ShyRose
I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with these difficult things recently.
I wanted to remind you again that you are most definitely not a burden, you are not stupid and you are always enough. It is so easy to believe cruel words about ourselves, especially when our parents are the ones saying them. But you are incredible and I hope you feel proud of yourself for continuing to work really hard at uni, and also for reaching out for some support.
Making deadlines and staying organised can be super challenging as well. I find that setting aside 10-15 minutes every Sunday night to plan out my week in my physical planner helps me feel much more calm and in control of my time. I try to check this planner everyday to remind myself of what I need to do. If you prefer, you can use the calendar app on your phone as well. By spending a little bit of time putting in all your responsibilities into the app, you can set yourself up for the week. You'll get notifications throughout the day, reminding you of your schedule and any appointments/classes/assignments that you have.
Take care and if you ever need to talk, please feel free to reach out again 💛
These are great suggestions! I too find online planners (e.g. Google calendar) to be helpful. If you're anything like me, I often forget my physical planner & may need to pop something into my calendar when I am out somewhere, so I have the app on my computer (which I open each day for university) and also on my phone 💖 I find it can also be helpful to set it up to open as a default tab, when you open google chrome too ☺️
Hi @ShyRose
Welcome 🤗 I'm so glad you've found this space!!! And thank you for sharing what you've been going through.
It sounds like you've made progress since Year 10 in becoming a little more confident and open to making friends! I resonate with being a quiet student, I still very much am. So from one quiet student to another - I'm so proud of you for having pushed yourself a little more to talk with others. I hope you see how strong you are to have done that ❤️
It seems like managing University deadlines is feeling a little hard to navigate, which is so understandable. Just know that it's not just you - so many others are experiencing the same struggles! For me, I found that experimenting with different habits and routines, and seeing what worked best to manage my study load was helpful! Personally, having a physical diary where I can write events in (e.g., due dates, class times) makes me more likely to remember them since it's more visual. Another thing that I didn't realise was available to me were the support services available at my Uni. As the others in the thread mentioned, reaching out to advisors at your University could help so so much! It can seem a bit daunting, but they are truly there to listen to and support YOU in the ways that you want.
In the grand scheme of things, this recent mid-semester test you submitted late is a tiny hiccup! Remember that you're human and mistakes happen. You've reflected back and identified what you could have done in advance (scheduling the time in your calendar) which already shows that you've learnt and grown from this experience. And it sounds like you're motivated and really wanting to improve, which is such a good mindset to have.
I'm so sorry you've been hearing those hurtful words from your Mum. It's easy to get stuck in our own heads and internalise certain thoughts, especially if we hear them from others. It doesn't mean that those words/thoughts are true. You are not an idiot nor a burden, and nothing is wrong with you ❤️ I also have times when I feel like I'm not doing enough to meet my parents' expectations. However, I think it's so important to put less weight on the high standards that others place on us, and redirect attention to ourselves and our own goals. You're literally just starting your post-high-school journey with so much more to learn in your future!
I feel the hurt you're feeling at this time, and I'm so sorry. Be gentle with yourself and make sure to practice some self-care. You're doing so amazing!
Hi @ShyRose
It’s great to have you here on the forums. It takes courage to show up and know that you need support so thank you for sharing what you’re going through with us.
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience those harsh words from your mum. Our parents can cause so much hurt with their words sometimes, and to hear that you’re a burden and a curse must have been so painful.
I sense that you want to make her proud, and you’ve acknowledged that there is room for you to be more organised next time, but it doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated that way or made to feel like you’re not good enough.
Going through uni is a challenging time so don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m wondering if you have access to student support services at your uni regarding this? Alternately, Headspace also has a work and study support program that could be helpful.
While you’re going through this difficult time, have you been able to look after yourself and talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling? I encourage you to keep connected with the community and as LilacLeopard14 mentioned, you don’t have to go through this alone. If you’d like, you can also connect with a peer worker for some 1:1 support with PeerChat.
There will be an email from us coming your way so keep an eye out for it!
Thank you so much for your kind words 🤍. I really appreciate it. And thank you for making this a safe space for anyone to share
Hi @ShyRose 🩵
First off - welcome to the ReachOut community, it’s so great to have you here. After hearing your situation, I want to ensure you that you are not an idiot, and there is nothing wrong with you. It is completely valid to be hurt by your mum’s words, it is an unfair statement, and shouldn’t be said at all let alone many times. You are definitely not useless. Uni is extremely hard so you are not alone in feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Have you tried reaching out to staff at your university? I imagine online classes could be a bit isolating, but often there are people ready to help if you know where to look. There are a few things in place for people managing assessments etc such as learning access plans (LAP), peer advisors, counsellors (at least at my uni anyway). It’s hard to manage completely alone, so your uni may be able to help ease some of the difficulty with your schooling.
I know it may be difficult but could you also express to your mum how you are feeling? Clear communication and letting her know that she has hurt you could ease some of the stress of managing this alone and replaying it all over in your head. If not, is there anyone else you could turn to for some support during this time? Maybe a friend, other family member etc. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone ❤️
sending love, and hope to speak soon 🫶🏻
Hi @LilacLeopard
Thank you so much for your kind words💚. I really appreciate it. I feel much better than before. Talking to my mom about it definitely helped. I will consider reaching out and checking out my uni’s support programs.
