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What should i do

This might be a bit long: Ever since i was 2 my life was turned upside down cause my parents split up and it was hard moving fro one house to another and i always got treated like i was invisible, i never got feed or presents at christmas time or anything. When i moved to my new high school i met some new friends and one day i was getting changed for sport and my friend came in and started to pretend to rape me then she almost did but the bell rang just in time,she threatened me to never tell any one or i'll die so i never did. I always had nightmares and thoughts of that day until i talked to a youth worker and school counsellor at school they helped me through a lot when that happened. Now its been 13 months since that has happened and i am now 13 yrs. old and i am suicidal and she didn't get in much trouble as i thought and the youth worker and school counsellor are always there when i need someone on my good and bad days everyday since the start of yr. 7 everyone use to push me,bit me, call me names and most of all try and get me in trouble when i wasn't even there for me that was big.  I'm suicidal but my attempts didn't work out. Now life has calmed down but not for long cause i tried to get revenge on people but teaches have always been around and this yr. for some reason my teacher says I'm in the high stages of depression and med in anxiety ever since i was almost raped (i don't know if thats true or not) I can never relax or totally switch off its a big struggle. So how can i relax without having a panic attack or something and what can i do instead of trying to kill myself cause if my mum finds out she will kill me so please help

Re: What should i do

Hi Chookanator3000, welcome to Reach Out - I'm glad you found us and had the strength the share your story. Nobody should have to go through what you went through and feel that pain and frustration.


You mentioned that you have been thinking and trying to end your life since you were almost raped. That is a big burden to carry and must have caused you a lot of torment, but something has kept you alive. You are here and alive today. Find that part of you that has kept you alive so far, because it is that part of you that wants to live. That part of you does not want to end your life, but does want to escape from the pain you are feeling.


We are always here to listen, but Reach Out is not a crisis service. If you feel suicidal again and don't know what to do, I urge you to call Kid's Helpline straight away on 1800 55 1800.


Have you told your youth worker and school counsellor how you feel and the truth about what has happened? If it makes you uncomfortable you could write them a letter or even print out this post and show them. It really helps to talk to people and know that you are not alone.


In the meantime you might like to try an online program to track your moods, like MoodGYM or eCouch, so you can pinpoint when you feel most stressed and at risk and learn some methods for coping.


Also just so you are aware, I've had to edit your post a little bit as triggering language is against our community guidelines. We do want you to stick around and keep us updated on how you are going though, so please don't feel censored.

Re: What should i do

Hey chookanator3000,


Welcome to the forums! It sounds like you've been through a lot, especially over the last year and a bit - that you're still here and reaching out for help is testament to how strong you must be. It takes a lot to keep pushing through and trying when things feel so awful, and it's great that you have. Talking to a youth worker and your school counsellor is a great thing to do - I'm really glad to hear that they've been helpful for you. 


Ellebelle has given you some great ideas above about who you can contact when you're feeling unsafe or suicidal, but I just wanted to let you know about some other stuff that might be useful… You mentioned that you struggle to relax or switch off - which is totally understandable given what you've been through. That said, it doesn't at all mean that it's impossible to learn how to relax. There's a whole heap or stories and factsheets about relaxation which you might be interested in checking out...


Have you ever tried mindfulness? It's become one of my favourite and most effective ways to calm myself down when I'm anxious. It can be a bit difficult at first, but it's worth giving a try - if you find the exercise in that factsheet hard, it's worth googling or youtubing some guided mindfulness meditation - sometimes it's easier when you have a voice to prompt you. Another relaxation technique I've found helpful is progressive muscle relaxation - it's more physical than mental relaxation - I use it when I'm trying to get to sleep. 


Also - I wanted to link you to this factsheet. It's all about developing your own plan to keep you safe when you're feeling suicidal. You might have already done this with your youth worker/school counsellor, but it's worth a look. You might even want to print it out and take it in to your school counsellor to try and get some ideas for how to manage your suicidal urges/thoughts. Just an idea Smiley Happy


Anyway, that's loads of info for now! Let us know how you're going and if there's anything else we can help with. Feel free to go introduce yourself in the Feb intro thread too - we'd love to keep seeing you around the forums!

Re: What should i do

hi chookanator300


i'm so glad you found us all here at !

i think it's very brave of you to be so young yet strong & confident enough to talk about something that's very sensitive for you. 

i can't imagine how uncomfortable that experience was for you and how it's impacted your life on top of everything else.

it's good to hear that you were able to access help that enabled you to cope and deal with the situation in a healthy way. 

i've tried meditating and it's very soothing. i don't often get the chance (i mean, i have the time, i just don't take the time for it) to just relax. although listening to music or playing the piano normally does it for me. just to let my mind drift a bit and not have to worry or stress about whatever it is.  

sounds like u don't wanna disappoint ur mum Smiley Happy you sound like a very generous person (putting others first !!!)

take care of yourself cause you're just as special. do it for yourself so that you can be happy Smiley Happy and hopefully everyone else around you will be happy too


take care Smiley Happy