cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

I had big hopes of transferring to on campus university this year but my sicknesses are getting worse. Even then I doubt I will get in because my grades for the two courses are probably not good. That’s the reason why I didn’t get into uni. I am too dumb, not suitable for uni. I lack knowledge, skill, looks everything. I wonder if I will stay like this for forever, limping around, experiencing pain stretching in my right thigh. Been to the specialist doctor for more than two times and no proper solution. I don’t think we will move houses this year nor next year, even if we did I will not have a bedroom to myself to cry alone, to meditate, to be alone. My sister thinks I am in a bad mood or angry at something but I am actually very sad and she stormed at me thinking I was preparing for making rice with angry intentions. I felt horrible last night and slept early because I can’t focus or feel like doing anything. Although I slept at 10pm I woke around 1am, disturbed from my sleep by the conversations of my sister and mother. Their conversations did not end even when my sister came to bed and turned off the lights. I couldn’t bear the conversations especially because I was crying in my sleep. We unfortunately sleep in the same room, my house has two bedrooms and have no space. I couldn’t bear the conversations so I got my blanket and pillow and headed for the living room to sleep there. My sister said angrily that I am mean. That made me more collapse, I cried for a decent period of time in the living room alone. I am so used to crying and hiding my feelings alone. Even if I cry around everyone, everyone does not understand me and think I bet I am a mess. I honestly feeling like killing myself but one part of my mind is stopping me. I know this is a downfall to commit suicide but I only see that as an option. I give others advice to stay strong in such difficult situations but I fail to give myself such advice. I am honestly a failure; I didn’t get into university. I got no university offer. I managed to do a university degree from a private institution that offers online degrees especially for those who work. Most of the people in my grade last year got a place in university, I obviously got no offer and cried. My sister helped me do the application for that private institution and now because of my sister’s help I am doing some sort of university which is actually recognised. If she didn’t do that I don’t know what I would be doing. Going to tafe. If I went to tafe, I probably will ruin the reputation of my family. I feel like a living failure. What triggered my unhappiness yesterday was after seeing the photos from one of our cousins’ weddings. Everyone there looked so pretty and good. People may think I am jealous, I myself don’t know what it is. May it is. I look at myself and think I am not beautiful at all. I am a diseased peasant. A jealous, ugly, unintelligent, useless, immoral, horrible peasant. I met my family don’t want me if I wasn’t related to them. They probably have to accept me because I am unfortunately part of the family. I will like dying. I know I will go to hell after death, where I belong. Where I will burn in hell for the bad deeds I did this life and previous lives. I belong there. Everyone who does a bad deed belongs there. I don’t want to share my feelings with anyone else because I don’t want to put a problem in their minds. Everyone has problems but I don’t want others to get more problems because of a unfortunate person like me.

 

My family does not understand, they try but it is useless. I have no proper friends, they ocassioanlly message me, they are too busy. Pretty much I have no friends, they don't really make a effort to message me unless I message first. I am stuck at home, studying online in a small house with no place to stay alone. I have to hide my emotions cuz no one understands, no one cares, they have their own problems and I just got to adapt to that.

 

The desk I used to study if where my brother and dad sleeps and it is so distracting because my brother regularly opens the door usually very nosily and it angers me. He does it no matter how much I tell him. I am sick of studying because of the distractions. I can even hear the stupid drama my parents watch in the living room. I am so fed up. Being patient doesn't do anything to me. I am regularly looking for homes for us to move to next year but it is useless because I don't know if we can move to such good houses.

 

I am so sick of everything. I went to the doctor and explainly briefly about my problems and she gave me a plan to meet a psychologist. I didn't want to because I think it will be useless. I went to the counseller in high school, judging by her it is pretty useless. 

 

There's no solution for me apart from just bearing it and being patient. I can't bear it anymore. I am losing my mind. I only see one option and it is being in the dirt.

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

Hi @Doni99,

 

I can really sense how much pain you are in and how heavy it is all sitting with you right now. I have emailed you and I'm so glad that we've established that you're safe and just needed to vent to feel better. It can be quite frustrating and stressful when everything piles up like that on top of one another and all those feelings creep up on you, and I'm so glad that you feel like you do have something like RO where you feel comfortable venting when you're feeling this down and defeated. There's a lot going on for you, so I'm going to try to break down your post to help you also process how much you're currently handling and why I'm not surprised that you feel this overwhelmed. My apologies for the length of my response! 

 

I wonder if I will stay like this for forever, limping around, experiencing pain stretching in my right thigh.

 

It can be really frustrating to be experiencing pain when you can't seem to find a physical reason for it. I've personally been there before, and as hard and annoying you might find me saying this, but I do think you should keep going. While it is trial and error, it's worth following up considering the distress it's causing you. Are you following through with the doc's recommendations thus far? Have they said anything about what the possibilities might be? Has something triggered the pain? Make sure you're answering these questions with him. If it help, write a list before the appointment so you know what you need to know for your peace of mind. Does that help? Let me know if you have Q's?

 

I felt horrible last night and slept early because I can’t focus or feel like doing anything.  What triggered my unhappiness yesterday was after seeing the photos from one of our cousins’ weddings. Everyone there looked so pretty and good. People may think I am jealous, I myself don’t know what it is.I know I will go to hell after death, where I belong.

 I am so sick of everything. I went to the doctor and explainly briefly about my problems and she gave me a plan to meet a psychologist. I didn't want to because I think it will be useless. I went to the counseller in high school, judging by her it is pretty useless.

 I look at myself and think I am not beautiful at all. I am a diseased peasant. A jealous, ugly, unintelligent, useless, immoral, horrible peasant.

 There's no solution for me apart from just bearing it and being patient. I can't bear it anymore. I am losing my mind. I only see one option and it is being in the dirt.I honestly feeling like killing myself but one part of my mind is stopping me,  I am honestly a failure.

 

 Again, lots of things to handle on your own, and pretty heavy feelings to have to process on your own. Have you heard some of the others' experiences on the forum? It's again trial and error a lot of times because this is the kind of thing that really varies and depends on who you end up seeing. Sometimes you'll be on the same wavelength and they'll deliver very well for you but other times the person may not even properly get you. So again, I really do think that I've got to agree with your doc on this. I can see you getting in this space very easily since the distressors you've reported can easily pile up and cause that level of stress again. I want to make sure you have inbuilt supports before it gets to that bursting point again. And probably one of the most important supports in that will be a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist - some sort of mental health professional. The good news is you've got quite a few options about this - headpace, GP recommended psychologist, or do a google search for professionals that sit right with you and tell your doc before he makes a mental health plan that there's a particular professional you'd like to go to. Mental professionals get similar training but vary widely in how they choose to practice, so definitely worth giving a few go's to find who's right for you. Don't be disheartened if it doesn't work again. We'd love to know though how your search went so keep us updated! Apart from seeking out professional help, let's talk about who you can talk to when you feel this down? I know you said your sister said things that really hurt you but do considering how she was there for you through the college applications, do you think you could talk to her openly about what's been happening and the thoughts you've been having? Who else can you think of? You also mentioned when i followed up with you that you were feeling better, so obviously venting works wonders for you! Have you thought about blogging or starting a journal in addition to RO? 

  

I had big hopes of transferring to on campus university this year but my sicknesses are getting worse. Even then I doubt I will get in because my grades for the two courses are probably not good. That’s the reason why I didn’t get into uni.

 I am too dumb, not suitable for uni. I lack knowledge, skill, looks everything.  I know this is a downfall to commit suicide but I only see that as an option. I give others advice to stay strong in such difficult situations but I fail to give myself such advice.I didn’t get into university. I got no university offer. I managed to do a university degree from a private institution that offers online degrees especially for those who work. Most of the people in my grade last year got a place in university, I obviously got no offer and cried. My sister helped me do the application for that private institution and now because of my sister’s help I am doing some sort of university which is actually recognised. If she didn’t do that I don’t know what I would be doing. Going to tafe. If I went to tafe, I probably will ruin the reputation of my family. I feel like a living failure.

 

From what you said above, it seems like you're not sure if you've made it yet or not. is that right? 

You didn't get into uni, BUT you didn't sit and wait either right? You did something about it and did an alternative course to finally get into uni. The way I see it, yes, perhaps you didn't get into uni the first time but there's a lot of people that don't go to uni and instead do other things. But I understand its what you want to do and what I see is how hard youve tried to achieve what you really want to do. I think you've done and incredible job so far! A lot of people would just sit and do nothing about it, but you chose to do something about it. And I really think you should be proud of yourself for that.

 Have you looked at other options like uni colleges that give you a second chance and give you entry into second year of degrees? You can also get HECS for these. 

 

He does it no matter how much I tell him. I am sick of studying because of the distractions. I can even hear the stupid drama my parents watch in the living room. I am so fed up.

 This shows me how much you care about uni and doing well. Perhaps the healthiest thing to do in this to sit him down and tell him that there's a lot going on for you and it would mean a lot to you if he stopped doing that because of how important study is for you. Maybe also explain to your parents how their actions are making you feel. As a last resort, public libraries are great places to study or even school/college/uni libraries and they're open to all students until a certain time. They only check student ID's after a certain time. 

  

I don’t think we will move houses this year nor next year, even if we did I will not have a bedroom to myself to cry alone, to meditate, to be alone.

I am regularly looking for homes for us to move to next year but it is useless because I don't know if we can move to such good houses.

 Again, really frustrating stuff that isnt completely in your hands, making it even more frustrating. I suppose for now, maybe you can prioritise what's on your mind and follow up on this after you've dealt with the more imminent stuff on your mind? Again, I would stress how important it is to talk to your parents putting your anger aside, you need to tell them the repercussions that not moving are having on you. Perhaps they can give you a better timeframe of when it might happen. 

 

My sister thinks I am in a bad mood or angry at something but I am actually very sad and she stormed at me thinking I was preparing for making rice with angry intentions.Although I slept at 10pm I woke around 1am, disturbed from my sleep by the conversations of my sister and mother.I couldn’t bear the conversations so I got my blanket and pillow and headed for the living room to sleep there. My sister said angrily that I am mean. That made me more collapse, I cried for a decent period of time in the living room alone. I am so used to crying and hiding my feelings alone. Even if I cry around everyone, everyone does not understand me and think I bet I am a mess.

I met my family don’t want me if I wasn’t related to them. They probably have to accept me because I am unfortunately part of the family.

 My family does not understand, they try but it is useless. I have no proper friends, they ocassioanlly message me, they are too busy. Pretty much I have no friends, they don't really make a effort to message me unless I message first. I am stuck at home, studying online in a small house with no place to stay alone. I have to hide my emotions cuz no one understands, no one cares, they have their own problems and I just got to adapt to that.

 

This seems like a big communication gap. Perhaps start with your sister and your brother as it seems like they might be easier to talk to compared to your parents? Try to steer away from blaming them when trying to openly communicate and maybe say things that describes how you're feeling. 

 

What do you think? I've tried to be thorough but please let us know if you have any questions or something I've missed or not addressed.

 

Let us know how you're going!

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

Hey @Doni99 how are you doing this morning? Smiley Happy 

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

@Sans-RO

 

Hi Sans,

Apologies for the late reply!

I settled down now, it happens ocassionally pretty much when I lose it and just feel horrible. I am coping now. I didn't talk to my parents or siblings about it, they did sound suspicious and know I am not stable psychologyly but it's going okay I guess.

 

Thanks again for checking up on me! I'll update on my 'progress' as the days go by! Smiley Happy

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

@Doni99 it's so great to hear from you again, and that's totally okay (about the delay)! Just remember that you dont have to let things get to that point before you reach out for some self-care, support and love from the RO community, yeah? And yes, do keep us updated as frequently as you need about how you're doing. Also, did you end up using some of the stuff we talked about? Did it help?

 

Smiley Happy

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

Hello @Sans-RO

 

Your help gave me a strength, and yes it did help! Thank you so much for that. I will try my best to avoid such negative thoughts. Smiley Happy

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

Hey @Doni99 that's really amazing, but it's okay to have those negative thoughts, because they dont have any power as long as they are just thoughts okay? It's totally normal and probably impossible to never think like that. Just know that when they do come into your mind, you can reach out and grab help like we talked about and that you don't have to act on every thought (they're a thought and not always 'true') makes sense? Glad i could help! 

Re: Why Am I alive? Why should I live? I am a peasant to everyone.

Hi Sans!
I created this post in 2016 and I decided to visit RO today and I just want to thank you for your comforting messages and how you helped me in a time of need. Thank you so much. Helping someone cope with their problems is a great deed. I am better than I was before in 2016. I managed to transfer to a on campus university which is so much better. I have a handful of friends and we moved to a bigger house where I have my own room. Things have been way better than it was once before. Thank you so much. I really appreciate. Kind regards, Doni Smiley Happy