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Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hello everyone, I am so lost right now and I really want to know if anyone else has these thoughts and this weird take on life that I feel that I have.

I lived in X country and moved to my homecountry after 3-4 years. I was 12 years old and got into a new school and from day one I was already being frowned upon, ignored and bullied just because my motherlanguage, which I had forgotten, was not at its' finest and at that first day I came with a middle-parted hairstyle and a total suitup, I didn't know any better and my mother told me I was so handsome so ofcourse I believed it and went into that classroom with confidence.

After that day of school the next came, ofcourse, and it all went downhill. I was pushed down of stairs, locked in the changingroom after gymnastics class for hours without anyone looking for me. I could go on for ages. This went on for some time and then I met X. This is where it really went all bonkers for me. This person and I formed a friendship but people, for some reason, didn't take too kindly to it. I was followed after school and people started writing horrible things to me on my phone. "You do not deserve to live you XXXX" etc. etc.

That is a LONG story short, many things I'd rather not speak of here.

Now I am 19 years old and I have met most of these people. It is like they've never known or heard about me before as if I'm some blink of existence. I feel as if I have no purpose and that my life is leading to nowhere and I have no idea what to do next. I have my job, my girlfriend, my family and myself. Still I find that somerhing major is missing and it is driving me nuts. I stress about things I know have no importance to me which makes me even more confused. My stomach hurts/aches (Anxiety?) since that time and it still does, I have only learned to cope with it but I want this feeling to go away. How i percieve the world and life changed drastically since all of that into a very dark place. People are nothing but selfish, greedy, cruel beings and I'm so tired of being this Way and thinking this way. I see happy people everywhere and cannot understand how they can be happy in this world of ours.

Thank you very much for taking your time and read all of this.

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hey @Neebo, welcome to ReachOut. I'm so sorry kids were nasty to you in school for being different. It sounds like this has had a pretty lasting effect on you, even to this day. You're not alone in feeling stressed and worrying that something is missing from your life. Does any of the info on this fact sheet about worrying sound familiar to you? If you feel like it's starting to take over your life, it might be time to speak to a doctor or a counsellor about it. We are based in Australia, so I'm not sure how the health system works where you are, but usually you can visit a GP and get a referral to speak to someone. Would you be willing to give that a go?

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hi @Neebo,

 

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting, that's really brave.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened at school. It sounds like you went through a really difficult time. 

 

The response that you've had to this tough time is quite normal, but it doesn't make it any easier! Do you see any of these people on a regular basis now? Do you have any support outside of your family?

 

I'm linking you to this article because it has some great points and some great links.

 

A sore stomach can be the result of anxiety.

 

You've mentioned that you have no goals or motivation right now - how do you think having a goal would influence your outlook on things?

 

Is trusting people more a goal of yours? 

 

We are here to help you,

 

Lahna

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hello @ElleBelle Thank you for taking your time to read and comment.

I have talked to a counsler and it felt good to talk about everything although I only felt a little better about myself just that moment, it just faded away and returned to how it has always been for me. I am more than willing to receive all the help I can get!

I looked at the fact sheet and yes, some of the points made there I can relate to. I worry about myself not having a future really. I don't have a goal like becoming a lawyer or a doctor for example it just doesn't interest me, nothing really does. I don't know what I want in life as I don't really see the meaning of striving for something, I'm having a difficult time finding my drive.

Once again, thank you for taking your time!

Neebo

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hello @Lahna Thank you for replying!

I see these people from time to time, not so often really. It just hit me quite hard when I talk to them nowadays and they replied with "Who are you? I have never seen you before." and, "I had no idea we went to the same school." It's like they don't care, I was just a moment of fun or something.

I have talked to a counsler and it went well, although only momentarily as I explained to @ElleBelle. I am thinking of continuing to talk to this person as it does feel like it helps even though the happiness wears of quickly.

Yes, I feel like i have no drive nor motivation to do anything and I don't really have anything to push me forward in my life. Creating a goal for myself is difficult and I don't really know what to do. On the otherhand managing to maintain a goal would be wonderful.

To answer your question if I feel like I have trust issues, this is not the case. I can trust people, today I have friends and a girlfriend whom I care for very much and trusting them and being myself towards them is not a problem for me.

Thank you very much for commenting!

Neebo

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hey @Neebo, I hope you're doing well.

Wow. It definitely sounded like a rough time in the past. What hobbies do you enjoy doing? Motivation can definitely be stronger in things you want to do. Have you tried making a list or just writing it down? At least with that way, you can take things step by step on the list and doing each one individually as you get to them, rather than multiple things at once. You could then increase them slowly as you gain more motivation to do them. 

 

I understand your way of thinking negatively about the world. In the past, I probably was one of the most misanthropic person you could find. Now I believe the best in everyone despite what they may do or have done. While beliefs are down to personal circumstances,  I can tell you that seeing it from their perspective has been extremely helpful. There is, after all, the old saying where "You can't really know a person until you get in their shoes and walk around in them". For example, on the road, if I see someone shout or cut me off, I force myself to think "perhaps they've had a rough day already, didn't get enough sleep etc". After all, we all know what it's like to have a bad day and perhaps we might do things we don't normally do. I trust that perhaps they're not normally like this or that there are redeeming qualities which they possess but which I don't know about. There's a chance they could be the nicest person you'd ever meet but you just caught them on a bad day or they don't show these qualities unless they're around people they truly love and trust. However, it is just how I think but I do hope you find something out of my long paragraph to take out of it.

If there's any suggestion I can give, go for a walk and see how many things you can make into a positive light. Even something as random as "The sky is a lovely blue and the air smells wonderful" is a good start. I guess what I'm trying to say is to appreciate the small, good things in life and the motivation to find more like it will come. Smiley Happy

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hi @Neebo!

I read your post and I'm sorry that you experienced that!

I wanted to check in on you and see how you were doing? 

Re: Why do I feel this way. (May Trigger)

Hey there @Neebo

 

Would be so great to know how you are feeling...I hope you are feeling better and supported

 Smiley Happy