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confused

Let me start with a bit of background about me. So I've been depressed for a good ...9 years now,and only in the past 4 have I been getting any help for it, cos I was a kid with a somewhat neglectful and emotionally manipulative parent. Anyway I finally have started getting a good handle on things. I've got my depression under control, working on my anxiety, getting fit, eating healthy, studying hard and just about to graduate uni, have a long term significant other, I'm comfortable with my sexuality, I'm moving out and generally things should be going great. The only problem is they aren't. I'm getting more withdrawn and apathetic and I don't want to see my friends because I feel like it's so much effort.

And for about a year now, maybe 2, I have been feeling confused. I've been feeling more and more like I may not be a girl. I can appreciate the aesthetics of my soft hair and skin, my baby face and I've never wanted a penis or a beard. Probably a weird thing to say. It's weird and a hard thing to really explain. and I can be happy with myself dressing in my jeans or chinos and shirts with my sports bra's and my short pixie for some of the time. It feels more comfortable.

But I'm never anything except a tomboy. People still call me 'miss' and 'dear' and even 'sweetie' *shudder*. 70% of the time I can get by feeling pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, but sometimes it really gets to me. I know trying to take it further/transition would get me rejection from most of my family, my friends, possibly being unable to get a job and all sorts of side effects.

I dont know what to do! Whether I can be happy with that 70%. Whether it would make any difference.

I DON't KNOW WHAT TO DOOOO D:

Anyone have any advice?

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Re: confused

hey @Beemo

welcome to reach out. it's great to see you have come to the forums for some advice!

from reading your post you sound like someone who is really self aware. you know the things that work well for you (like getting fit, eating healthy, making time to study, and focusing on managing times that you feel anxious or depressed), and you are also able to recognise when your mood changes, and that you are showing less interest in things your normally enjoy (like seeing your friends). being self aware and reflecting is a real strength, and i think it is a quilty that is really going to help you get through this process and be able to answer some of those tough questions.

i'm wondering if you have ever heard of q-life? it's australia’s first nationally-oriented counselling and referral service for people of diverse sex, genders and sexualities. i think they would be really helpful to answer some of those questions you are having. you can check out their website here.

reach out also has some really cool information on sex and gender, and a list of support services. the support services list is a good one because it is specific to particular areas of australia.

 

personally, i just want to say that i think whatever avenue decide to go down is perfectly fine! we are each individuals and it's only you that can decide what is the best course of action. the most important thing is that you are comfortable and happy with yourself. you can then get professional support to get through the tough parts of talking to friends and family if you decide you need it.

 

i really look forward to hearing more from you, so let me know how you go. Woman Happy

lanejane
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Re: confused

Hey @Beemo

I think @lanejane has given you some great tips and services that can help you through your confusion.

You are so strong for coming on here and sharing what you are going through and I really admire your self-awareness and that you are open enough to recognize your feelings and not dismiss them.

In my opinion, you need to do what makes you feel comfortable 100% regardless of rejection, what people say and think because at the end of the day, its your life and making other people happy and comfortable may not make you happy and comfortable.

You dont have to know what to do right now, take the time to work through your confusion by writing things down and talking to someone about this and I think you are on the right track.

We are here to support you and I hope this helps Smiley Happy
_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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Re: confused

welcome to reach out @Beemo !

 

Depression and anxiety are both really tough to manage and it sounds like you've been doing a great job at staying on top. I know what it feels like to face depression and withdraw from people. I'd encourage you to do your best to stay in touch with your friends. It can be tough but they are there to support you and i'm sure they really care about you.  Sometimes I have to give myself a bit of a push to go out and see my friends and actually end up having a great time. I've found that when I stay home alone too much, I tend to start ruminating about all kinds of things and end up feeling much worse off. 

 

There's some great info already posted in this thread but I just want to reassure you that whichever path you decide to take is totally cool, as long as you are comfortable and happy with yourself!I can imagine that right now must be a really confusing time for you but i'm positive that you will be able to work through this over time. 

 

You mentioned that you were getting help for depression - I was just wondering if you'd considered talking about your confusion with the person you've been talking to about depression? I think that might really help ease your fear of rejection when it comes to discussing this with your family and friends if that's the path you choose to take. 

 

Let us know how you're doing and what you think!

 

 

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Re: confused

Thanks for your help so far guys Cat Happy

So I've actually done heaps of research but I flip flop between transguy and androgynous/genderqueer (I know these aren't synonymous but it's something between). I do endeavour to go down to FC to check things out and also get some counselling. Thus far I have had poor experiences with psychologists and counsellors, so I haven't seriously tried to get a new one since my psychiatrist left the country a few years back. I've just had medication as an adjunct while I got my moods under control.

Now I'm a bit more stable I feel like a lot of my stuff may be thought/behaviour driven so a good psych may help me out.

I'm in the process of sorting out stuff with Headspace. Ive got a MHCP now and all that. I'm just really busy with prac atm, and tired, and with my contraception (now removed THANK GOD) messing with my system I'm coming to the end of 6 weeks of constant period -.- So I think that hasn't helped my whyamiagirl?! crisis lately Cat Tongue

I really dislike talking on the phone, but maybe while my MHCP is being processed I'll email the Qlife maybe.

I've tried really hard to work it out but no one else really takes me seriously (sounds whiny I know, but it's hard to try things out when it's just a big joke or majorly confusing thing for my family). 

Realistically I know I probably have to give being a guy a good crack to be able to really know if it's for me. It's just haaaard Smiley Tongue Also I really want to meet some other trans people too!

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Re: confused

Hey @Beemo , welcome to Reach Out! I am totally loving your username by the way! I wish I had picked it myself!

 

I noticed you said you feel like 'flip flop'' between transmale and androgynous/genderqueer and that maybe you're something in between. Your description really reminded me of the way I regard sexuality / gender so I thought I might take a few minutes to share that with you! For me, gender / sexuality is a spectrum and in our lifetime we may move along the spectrum towards one end or the other. Just as there is no absolute one way to be male or female, there is no absolute one way to be transgender, androgynous, genderqueer or anthing else in between. In fact, some of us may even be gender-fluid in that we transition between gender identities based on our sitatuonal context and current state of mind.

 

                                         rose-gender-spectrum-final.png

 

There's a really interesting Australlian website called Genderqueer Australia that you might find useful! I actually got the little comic above from there! They have a really comprehensive selction of resources about things relating to being gender questioning or genderqueer, including a discussion about pronouns and different ways people may identify as transgender, some really great guides about things like binding and some great support services. They also have a section dedicated to various bloggers and internet personalities and other people who consider themselves genderqueer, which might be really cool for you since you're interested in other people in a similar situation.

Re: confused

That's pretty much what I think too. I'm definitely a swing Smiley Tongue
I actually haven't seen that site. Will look into Smiley Happy
cheers
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Re: confused

@Beemo I hope it'll be useful for you Smiley Very Happy Don't forget we're all here if ever you feel like letting us know how you're going with everything! (:

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Re: confused

Ok guys I am trans. The last straw was while doing a dry needling course and one of my mates took off his shirt so we could do his infraspinatus and I had such an overwhelming feeling of jealously that I kinda teared up a little.
I'll keep you guys updated.