Hi everyone! i have decided to search online for a place where i can voice out my thoughts as i am too scared to reveal much to my few close friends. I am afraid my problem is trivial and this shows that i am weak. For as long as i can remember i have been a shy person. And it didnt actually bother me that much when i was a young kid. But as I grew older, it started to make me depressed. Being the last person to be chosen every group work is just plain depressing and sometimes i even cry due to it. I have a best friend but we are not in the same university now. I honestly dont know how i would have even survived HS w/o her though I still felt depressed. I know people judge me for being like this saying that i should talk more, blah blah. I really try but i cant seem to keep up a convo for my life. Im not interested in much hobbies and i dont exactly have a talent to boast. Univ came and my depression just sank further. Because in high school i had high grades (which was one of the FEW things that made me feel at least some worth or a feeling of positivity) and now i didnt even pass my qpi for first sem. Worse than that, my plan to "start a new life" in college FAILED UTTERLY. i have a few "friends" that i chat with during class, but only during class. It never reached the phase of long texts and random fb chats outside class. Also i only have about 4 what i can really call close friends (inc my best friend) for my entire life.
Now this is where my biggest conflict begins. Inside my circle of 5 people, one of them makes me depressed. I actually introduced my bff to her(weve kinda known each other since we were kids) though we do get along well, i feel like she values my bff way more. I mean i know it cant be helped that in circles some people get closer to each other. Bt the way she talks n acts just aggravates my depression. my circle is the only group that makes me happy so this problem is really devastating for me. Everytime we would get out she would most of the time only talk to my bff. Im not sure if what i feel is jealousy but i think its more of a feeling of inadequacy. Am i really that boring compared to her? i feel so lacking. When my bff's not with us we interact normally, but when shes there, i feel thrown away and unnoticed. she would hug her and stuff making me feel like a third wheel and most of the time only talk to her. and when im talking with my bff she would often butt in (like ask her a question) if my bff tells her to wait.. she doesnt. Whenever its time to part she clings to my bff like a bubblegum. im in univ with this friend and another one. so theres 3 of us. A very recent example of what made me sad was when we were eating for lunch (the 3 of us in univ) my other close friend said that she would hold a party for her 18th bday and we would get to stay overnight at the hotel. So most probably we would be divided into several rooms (our circle is bigger but im not really close with the rest) so my friend says to me INCONSIDERATELY that her and my other friend (the party thrower) (though she didnt say anyting about this its only my other friend) would take/ "reserve" my bff to stay with them in the room. So she's technically blocking me out. ITS THE 3 OF US EATING. SHES TELLING ME THAT HER AND MY OTHER FRIEND WILL STAY WITH MY BFF. THE LEAST SHE COULD DO WAS AT LEAST INVOLVE ME IN THE PICTURE LIKE "hey lets bring -------- with us in our room for the overnight stay." did she really have to exclude me?
*IM SO SO SORRY IF I HAVE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AND IF MY PROBLEMS ARE TRIVIAL COMPARED TO OTHERS. ;-;
i just feel so emotional over this. i dont even know if i should. am i overreacting due to college stress? ;-; i hope i can find some enlightenment as to my very confused state of depression and negative feelings about life. the idea of a next day makes me sad.
Hey @kawaiipotato welcome to Reachout!
I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time but you've come to the right place to voice your thoughts! Firstly don't feel depressed about failing some subjects in your first semester, you're definitely not alone in this department. Many students fail subjects in the first year of uni because it is quite a big transition from highschool to uni. I was in the exact same boat and I really do believe uni does get somewhat easier as you keep going lol The important thing is to learn from your mistakes. Whether that means you have to put in more time into your studies, manage your time better or being more organised. Don't give up
You've probably heard it before when it comes to friends it's quality over quantity. It's about having good friends that make you smile, the kind that you never doubt they have your back, the kind that will put their time out to help pick you up when you're down as you would for them etc. You don't only have 4 close friends, you have 4 really close friends- appreciate what you have and take pride in it This is what I tell myself... because I don't have many friends at all and yet I still feel whole, it works for me I hope it works for you
This person who makes you feel like an outsider, you can talk to your bff about how they're making you feel. Also you might want to limit how much time you do see them because obviously their presence makes you feel and think negatively about yourself.
You say you've always been shy and you can't keep up a convo etc, if you don't see it as a problem (as appose to people telling you it's a problem, making you FEEL like it's a problem) and are quite comfortable being that way then just don't worry about it. You should be happy about who you are, comfortable in your own skin. However, if you want to change then remember it's all about small steps and progressing day by day. Uni is the perfect place to make new friends. You can read these fact sheets to get you started.
Feel free to come back any time and tell us how you're going!
Hope things are a bit better today. It can be so difficult to feel like people are treating you in a way you don't like.
Here is a factsheet on dealing with conflict with others. Sometimes knowing how to address conflict can make a huge difference to how you feel about it.
Also, here is a factsheet on finding your strength. It might sound weird but worrking out who you are and what your strengths are can make a huge difference to how good you feel about yourself.
Hope this has helped.
Hi @kawaiipotato There have been some good suggestions here already, but I just wanted to add that I agree in that you should probably let your bff know how this other friend's behaviour is affecting you, and also let this other friend know as well. They might not realise what you are going through.
It can be daunting though, and I think @NigioC 's suggestion of finding your strengths can give you more self-confidence so that you can talk to your friends about this. It might be good to set a time to sit down and sort this all out - you don't want to bring it up in a place or time where there no-one can talk about it fully and it pans out into something awkward or downright harmful.
Thanks for sharing. The fact that this isnt trivial for you, means that its worth you sharing
An idea that I have been thinking about lots recently is that, everyone has value and importance, but not everyone is relevant to everyone at the same point in time.
e.g. an author could have huge value in a book club, but no value in a night club, simply because they would not be seen as revelant to the people at the night club.
I personally think this is the same with friends. Theres no point chasing people whos interests and values are not on the same level. Rather find people that value you for who you are.
Im in university as well. Although I have a large group of friends, I have literally made not a friend through uni, so I understand that its hard. Everyone i Know who hangs out with their uni friends made the friends by going on the uni Camps and then subsequent events etc.
Best of luck with your situation
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