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family dramas...

it’s the most wonderful time of the year~~ 

 

hey nice people,

I’ve brought my partner to my ‘hometown’ (I wasn’t born here, but I lived here ages 11-18) for xmas and I am really struggling. I’m 22 and he is my first partner, so I’ve never been through this before. I really wanted him to feel comfortable and have fun around my family, but it’s just drama after drama and I feel so bad for bringing him here. my grandfather’s health is deteriorating but he refuses to live in an aged care facility and is rude to my mum who is only trying her best to help him, and then she gets fed up and says things like, “well if he wants to die then fine, die!” not 24 hours into our trip my brother said some hurtful things to my sister, mum and I and we all cried, and my boyfriend is just sitting there like....

 

I’m sure he just wants to go home back to Vic. I don’t blame him, that’s all I want too. I don’t like the way I am acting around my family and I’m scared I’m showing him a really unlikeable side of me and he won’t want to be with me anymore. I’m afraid he doesn’t like my family because they are so loud and angry and have so many dramas. 

i haven’t even scratched the surface of what’s going on. 

 

why are my family like this, why am I like this? I know there are no perfect families but does that mean every family is like mine, just constant problems and anger and tears? If that’s the case, what’s the point of family?

Re: family dramas...

Hello @lemurien, it sounds like there has been a lot going on for you lately which might make you feel a bit overwhelmed. Sorry to hear if that is the case. I can understand how you are worried about your partner as he new to the family and spending time with them. In some ways, he is still understanding the family dynamics and getting to know everyone. Have you had the chance to talk with him about what has been going on lately? Have you spoken about how you have been feeling and had the chance to talk about what he has been experiencing? It sounds like it would be helpful for you to discuss this with your partner and explain how you feel like you have needed to act differently in front on them. Your partner might have seen this in his own family before and could be reacting in a different way than what you might think. I agree that there are no perfect families, so maybe your partner thinks that too! Heart It sounds like there is a lot of upsetting things on your mind, do you have anything planned for tonight that might help you feel better?

Re: family dramas...

@lemurien it sounds this has been tough on you. From the post, its sound like this has been a way for you to reflect on how your feeling about everything that correct? Has it helped to reflect? I can somewhat relate to your experience although I'm younger, I'm 19 and I have too experienced the family dramas, personally, just the way its been for since my sister and I became teenagers/lost some of our innocence. So I can understand asking those questions and it could be good to take some time to reflect to see if you could come with answer for yourself that gives you some comfort or what you need. I think it may be good as well as @Sophia-RO said to talk to your boyfriend about how your feeling.

Re: family dramas...

hello @Sophia-RO and @A_Friend ,

 

yeah, I try to talk to him every night to see how he’s feeling, but I worry there are things he wouldn’t tell me so as not to hurt my feelings. mostly all he says is “it’s just different than what I’m used to.” on top of everything, he is from another culture, so I worry the way we do things is distasteful to him compared to how his culture does it.

 

but to be honest, he hasn’t expressed anything bad so I should stop imagining the worst. every time my family speaks or I speak I am afraid he won’t like us. and so this whole holiday period I’m constantly over analysing every moment. he did say he’ll be relieved to go home, but said that is more because he’s an introvert and finds it tiring and stressful meeting all these people. I wish he found it easier to fit in here and enjoy himself. relationships are so strange and difficult!

 

as you said though @A_Friend it feels better taking the time to reflect. that’s what i appreciate the forums for so much. I relate a lot to what you said about you and your sister, it’s the same for my sister and I ever since we became teenagers... 

Re: family dramas...

Hey @lemurien, how did things go today? 

 

Honestly I totally understand where you're coming from, I feel there's always a little discomfort/awkwardness when partners are introduced to our families. It often feels like it should be way less stressful, but it makes sense to be nervous! Both your partner and your family are going to be big parts of your life, and so of course you're going to want them to get along - that's just human nature right? 

I'd definitely be a little kinder to yourself about how thing are going. Whenever I've been in a similar situation, I've always tried to remind myself of two things - 1. People need time to warm up to each other, it's really rare to instantly get along with someone you've just met, so it's ok if they need some time around each other before they really click. And 2. They don't need to be best friends straight off the bat - as long as everyone understands and respects how important each party is to you, then it'll be ok in the end 😊

Re: family dramas...

@lemurien have been able to find better ways to cope or adapt when drama or issues arise within your family or with sister? @Andrea-RO you have explained a great mindset, that could be really helpful

Re: family dramas...

thank you guys for checking in. it’s not going well unfortunately... I don’t know why we all can’t just get along. I can’t just blame my family, it takes two to argue, so there must be something I’m doing wrong too, even though I’m trying so hard. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t keep my thoughts or emotions straight. I don’t know how to tell them what I’m upset about. I don’t want to be upset when my partner is here because I brought him here to have a good time but I just keep crying all the time, it’s so stupid. 

Re: family dramas...

@lemurien its not stupid at all. I can resonate with not been able to keep your emotions and thoughts straight, for me this happens when I'm overwhelmed could that be playing a role in this for you? I think it could be good to take some time away from everyone and just think about how your feeling and how you would like to explain how your feeling to your family and it could be helpful to think of some strategies that could help the situation. I hope things get better soon.

Re: family dramas...

Sorry to hear that things are not going too well @lemurien. I think it is understandable that you have been feeling upset as a lot has been going on for you lately. You have shown a lot of insight by thinking about your behaviour in these interactions Smiley Happy. Have you had a chance to reflect more on what you think would be helpful for yourself in future interactions or arguments with family members?

Re: family dramas...

I think I am struggling more with all of this because of the way it is making me feel really down on myself. I did really well working on my mental health and relationships (with family and friends as well as my partner) this year so I am getting really angry with myself right now just as much as I'm frustrated with my family. Thinking that I shouldn't have brought my boyfriend here, it was a waste of money and time for him and I'm subjecting him to a draining and traumatic experience, that I have a bad family I shouldn't be making an outsider deal with, he should break up with me because my family and I aren't worth it, I'm not interacting with my family right and that's why everything is going wrong, I'm a cranky and childish and hateful person. And I can't get any time to myself to get my thoughts and feelings in order. And I don't want to confront any of my family members about any of it because it 'looks bad' in front of my partner. And because I feel so emotionally drained I can't connect with my partner and it feels like our days are empty and pointless together so I think 'I guess we don't love each other' - and I wish he would just go home!!

 

thanks everyone for listening. It is hard because I discontinued a medication recently because I didn't like some aspects of it, but it definitely made it easier to handle situations like these. and at the same time, my psychologist has left, so I don't have her support either. I just feel a total mess!!!!