So I used to have this friend when I was 17 until I was 19 when ghosted me for no reason. Now a few years later (I'm 22 now) out of the blue she sent me a request to her 21st birthday and also messaged an invite to me to her birthday - because apparently some people didn't get it...(I looked on the page and apparently there were some problems with sending invites, but I think also she accidentally sent one to me, and felt bad idk). The thing is I looked on the birthday page, and she made the account and invited people to join the account early February (23rd to be exact) - her birthday is on 1. April.
To give some background, we were friends towards the end of school, and we would hang out, but also A LOT with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend also would invite this guy (who apparently from what I've seen and know wasn't even that close with her boyfriend to begin with and they didn't even hang out at school either.) from his school, and it would form into this group. I think looking back my theory is that she and her boyfriend would use me and this guy in some ways to maybe as a buffer between them? He was quite controlling of her, which she said after they broke up, and he'd get quite jealous.
Anyway, when they started to break up she would slowly stop talking to me and one day we were planning to catch up, but she never got back to me. But now she not only sent that invite, probably by accident, but also 'waved' me on facebook. I just think it's a bit weird that she wants to talk to me after all these years.
Looking back I don't think it was a friendship. It was rather one sided (me making all the effort etc) and whenever we hung out it was always with her boyfriend.
I am unsure whether I should reply or contact because I feel like if I did I would be going back into the toxic/one sided friendship we had
I definitely have some old friends who I used to hangout with a lot but since have realized they actually aren't that good as friends or aren't good for my state of mind. I sort of put them in the 'sometime friend box' where if I see them or they turn up to something I am at I will talk to them and have fun but I don't rely on them for support like I do my close friends.
One good thing about your situation is the ball is definitely in your court. If you decide the friend's relationship to you is definitely toxic and it would be harmful to your mental health to go I think it's never wrong to look out for yourself.
On the other hand, maybe now your friend is genuinely trying to reach out again and you could go for a little bit (maybe suggest you have another event or bring a friend with you) so if you see any toxic signs you can leave quickly.
I guess I don't know much about the friend though!
Would you like to rekindle your friendship? Or have you been happier since it has drifted?
Sorry to hear that you went through all that!
You sound like you are taking a very mature stance on all of this and you are showing so much insight!
I think the most important thing to think about is do you think being friends with her again will make you more happy or potentially more sad or upset. Sometimes in these situations I like to think of the pros and cons. In the end though your wellbeing is the most important.
Please keep us updated!
Here for you
But thanks for your advice
I feel like I've been distancing myself though, and not making as much of an effort as I should because she is a kind person, and yes we are different but at the end of the day a friend is someone who makes an effort. She may not be my best friend, or but she is kind. I have told her I was a bit considered as to why she was constantly feeling unwell, and I think she is going through something at the moment. I really really do want to be friends with her because she's a nice person, I have been talking about doing stuff that we don't normally do like inviting her over for lunch or something, we live quite apart from each other so we often meet in the city...and the other day we went to a heritage house, which we haven't done before which was nice.
I am over thinking it and I don't want to because I feel like I will ruin it if I do. I have never had a friend like her mostly because she makes an effort and yes may have her flaws and we may be different but I think it's all about finding a common interest we have which is going to cafes, talking about fashion, arts/museums, travel...
You sound concerned for your friend. Do you think there is a way you could ask without it coming across the wrong way? Perhaps you could think of how you would want someone to talk to you about it? It could be as simple as "Are you okay?" or "I have noticed ____, I am here to listen if you want to talk about it". Everyone is different and you sound like a really gentle and considerate person.. I am sure that will show through your words
I'm still fairly new to the concept of my own friendship handling, but I can try to help in a way that I know of. I'm still not sure how to help yet.... but I'm here to talk if you want?
Here for you.
//You are strong, You are beautiful, You are enough//
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