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friendship

So I used to have this friend when I was 17 until I was 19 when ghosted me for no reason. Now a few years later (I'm 22 now) out of the blue she sent me a request to her 21st birthday and also messaged an invite to me to her birthday - because apparently some people didn't get it...(I looked on the page and apparently there were some problems with sending invites, but I think also she accidentally sent one to me, and felt bad idk). The thing is I looked on the birthday page, and she made the account and invited people to join the account early February (23rd to be exact) - her birthday is on 1. April. 

 

To give some background, we were friends towards the end of school, and we would hang out, but also A LOT with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend also would invite this guy (who apparently from what I've seen and know wasn't even that close with her boyfriend to begin with and they didn't even hang out at school either.) from his school, and it would form into this group. I think looking back my theory is that she and her boyfriend would use me and this guy in some ways to maybe as a buffer between them? He was quite controlling of her, which she said after they broke up, and he'd get quite jealous. 

 

Anyway, when they started to break up she would slowly stop talking to me and one day we were planning to catch up, but she never got back to me. But now she not only sent that invite, probably by accident, but also 'waved' me on facebook. I just think it's a bit weird that she wants to talk to me after all these years. 

 

Looking back I don't think it was a friendship. It was rather one sided (me making all the effort etc) and whenever we hung out it was always with her boyfriend. 

 

I am unsure whether I should reply or contact because I feel like if I did I would be going back into the toxic/one sided friendship we had

Re: friendship

Hey @keezeik,

 

I definitely have some old friends who I used to hangout with a lot but since have realized they actually aren't that good as friends or aren't good for my state of mind. I sort of put them in the 'sometime friend box' where if I see them or they turn up to something I am at I will talk to them and have fun but I don't rely on them for support like I do my close friends.

 

One good thing about your situation is the ball is definitely in your court. If you decide the friend's relationship to you is definitely toxic and it would be harmful to your mental health to go I think it's never wrong to look out for yourself.

 

On the other hand, maybe now your friend is genuinely trying to reach out again and you could go for a little bit (maybe suggest you have another event or bring a friend with you) so if you see any toxic signs you can leave quickly. 

 

I guess I don't know much about the friend though!

Would you like to rekindle your friendship? Or have you been happier since it has drifted?

Re: friendship

Hi @keezeik
Sorry to hear that you went through all that!
You sound like you are taking a very mature stance on all of this and you are showing so much insight!
I think the most important thing to think about is do you think being friends with her again will make you more happy or potentially more sad or upset. Sometimes in these situations I like to think of the pros and cons. In the end though your wellbeing is the most important.
Please keep us updated!
Here for you Heart

Re: friendship

@Tasi I am a little unsure whether it's worth responding as I feel like I get the feeling that she rather sent the invite accidentally.After she sent that message to me she 'waved' me on facebook a few days later, ignored it though. Apparenlty the party is tonight, so maybe she wanted to get a response or something...I am not really sure. So I think I'll wait until she actually writes something, I think at the moment its all because of the facebook thing...So I think I'll give it a month and see if she will write anything (I kind of doubt it though but who knows!) and go from there.

But thanks for your advice

Re: friendship

@keezeik  sounds good Smiley Happy I'm glad you made a decision based on your own needs

 

I guess if they reach out again after the party you will know if they had intended to reach out or it was an accident

Re: friendship

I actually have a friend of mine, and she's the only friend I have, and she's nice and makes an effort and stuff. But sometimes I feel like we're so different? Like she is a lot more conservative than I am, and we normally talk about the same things every time we meet up until it kind of dies down, then we go home and stuff, but we don't really do new things? She also has I think a little bit mentally ill (depression?) just because we often text each other about her being quite sad, or sometimes we plan to meet up and it doesn't end up happening. Every time we go out, she doesn't really want to eat, or maybe she says she's eaten before. I am a little bit worried about that, but I don't want to tell her or anything because I feel like she might take it the wrong way....and it's not really any of my business.

I feel like I've been distancing myself though, and not making as much of an effort as I should because she is a kind person, and yes we are different but at the end of the day a friend is someone who makes an effort. She may not be my best friend, or but she is kind. I have told her I was a bit considered as to why she was constantly feeling unwell, and I think she is going through something at the moment. I really really do want to be friends with her because she's a nice person, I have been talking about doing stuff that we don't normally do like inviting her over for lunch or something, we live quite apart from each other so we often meet in the city...and the other day we went to a heritage house, which we haven't done before which was nice.

I am over thinking it and I don't want to because I feel like I will ruin it if I do. I have never had a friend like her mostly because she makes an effort and yes may have her flaws and we may be different but I think it's all about finding a common interest we have which is going to cafes, talking about fashion, arts/museums, travel...

Re: friendship

Hey @keezeik, it sounds like you really value this friend. It is okay to have differences from your friends, it is only normal. If these differences become an issue for whatever reason, you could agree to not discuss those topics again. For example, politics or religion. Being different is what makes us unique and everyone is bound to disagree on at least something. You have noted that you have some similarities and that is what counts! Focus on those and perhaps you could continue to explore new interests together? I honestly find that one of the most comforting things about friendship.. exploring together trying new things together.. instead of alone Smiley Happy

You sound concerned for your friend. Do you think there is a way you could ask without it coming across the wrong way? Perhaps you could think of how you would want someone to talk to you about it? It could be as simple as "Are you okay?" or "I have noticed ____, I am here to listen if you want to talk about it". Everyone is different and you sound like a really gentle and considerate person.. I am sure that will show through your words Heart

Re: friendship

Hey @keezik. I can relate to your first post. I have some 'friends' like to that, but not in the party situation...

I'm still fairly new to the concept of my own friendship handling, but I can try to help in a way that I know of. I'm still not sure how to help yet.... but I'm here to talk if you want?

Here for you.

//You are strong, You are beautiful, You are enough//

Re: friendship

@Taylor-RO , hmm that seems like a good idea - I just don’t want her to get defensive about it...so if it ever comes up I’ll look up how to interact with that sort of situation with people with eating disorders?

Re: friendship

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx thank you, yeah I am fairly new to the whole friendship thing - I think it’s mainly trying to meet different people. It’s really hard to talk to people in class and I go to a book club every two weeks but that’s mainly it. Most of the time I’m busy at uni or volunteering. - how have you come to meet people?