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i broke up with myself twice in four years....

The reason I want to post this is because I'm curious to know if this has happened to anyone else? .....I mean under my circumstances ...
I met this girl years ago, began to like her, broke up with my bf because I figured that I could make her like me. She was very alone when I met her. Had few friends (About 4) and I thought I could make her happy. I began to look for excuses to hang out ...Would show up everyday uninvited just to hang out and toke. As the months went on I told her that I liked her over the phone she didn't say much and when i said that we couldn't be friends she asked me "don't u want 2 B my friend anymore" and i gave in and continued with my routine....hanging out everyday from 8 in the morning till like 1 or 2 a.m. this was everyday for like half a year. When we would be alone it felt awkward at times...the same feeling u get when u meet someone new and ur forced to talk to them. eventually she began to go to school i got a job and we hung out less. she ended up getting a date somewhere in between this fiasco and then one day she told me i was making it difficult to b her friend. she cut me off completely and for one weird reason or another i never went to her home to confront her about it. point is....she breaks up with her man who was 11 years her senior ( no education ...a sports coach...,a loser imo lol who the fuck hits on a 19 year old when you're waaaaay older?) Point is i never got over it...she let me have her number last year....(i sent her a message through a zynga game we would play because of fb) and i really kinda went nuts and told her y i was banned from seeing her or having any number to reach her at ....up to this point we had not seen each other again....and yesterday a day before her bday i said something that caused her to b like " u need to make peace with the past" i went crazy and began ranting ....saying shit like i can't b ur friend because i want more from u" blah blah and today i sent her something like "happy bday...i didn't mean what i said i still want u as my friend....ill leave u alone for a while i promise" lmao!!!!!!! this sucks ass....i feel like i shamed myself ......I'm pretty hurt about this. and its been years!!!!!! Hahaha so has shit like this ever happened to you guys???? I mean i know there's been other breakups....damn i should not have fallen in love with a straight girl. Lmao i even had a dream last night where we were shopping fir clothes and i guess i gave her a weird look in my dreams cus she was like " ur still not going to get me to like u" lmao even in my dreams she rejects me....how pathetic huh.....mind u when i went to EDC in vegas i texted her " i wish i could keep u " and now i did this a month later ....so i guess i won't b talking to her for a while.....this isn't my first "love" ....i just cant get her out of my life completely...i know she's gotten rid of me...well there was never an us...damn!!! Point is id rather have her as a friend than not at all......as pathetic as it sounds......lol and she's "nice" enough to let me do just that......sooooo yeah ....today sucks asssss.
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Re: i broke up with myself twice in four years....

Hey awsm,

 

This sounds like a really tough situation involving a lot of emotions.

 

I can only share my personal experience with you and maybe you can take something away from it, maybe not but I'll share it anyway.

 

I've experienced similar situations to the one you're in, where I've become infatuated with another person who wasn't really a good fit for me. One particular one that comes to mind was with a partner I had for five years. I sort of fell into this relationship and for a long time I wanted to get out of it.It wasn't an abusive relationship, but I didn't feel respected.

 

Sadly, I had really low self esteem at the time and two main thoughts were going through my mind. The first was that this was about as good as I'd get, the second was that I deserved this kind of relationship. Anyway the relationship was very turbulent, on and off, back and forward (I'd keep them on Facebook, memorise their phone number so I could stay in touch) until one day I decided I wouldn't put up with it. It wasn't a relevation, it took a lot of time, energy and thought to actually get to a decision. I decided that the best thing to do was to severe all ties because I was becoming reliant on the relationship and I knew that whatever happened it would always be there for me to fall back into if I needed. I didn't want to be the girl who couldn't be on her own.

 

Severing the ties was the best thing I could have done for my self esteem. It made me believe that I could achieve anything, that I didn't need to settle for anything less than perfect and it gave me a lot of confidence when I started my next relationship. It wasn't easy tho. I tried a few times before I ended up achieving the desired result and in the end it was a mutual decision which made it a lot easier.

 

I'll never tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do because life is an individual journey. But I wonder what is tying you to this relationship and whether you're placing yourself in the best position to make a decision? Perhaps it's time to think of some answers that'll help you get through. A health professional like a psychologist might be a great person to bounce thoughts off, alternatively you could do the same with the Kids Help Line.

 

I'm sure that you'll make a good decision once you've weighed up the possibilities.