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i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

I'm new here and i dont know where to turn. I decided to put this here, but i just need to get this out because i can't go on like this anymore. I'm sorry if this is long, so here goes.. At highschool the past two senior years in my study group i am always excluded. This guy who asked me out two years ago, well i didnt answer him straight away but i really like him. I just wanted to be able to be more free to be his girlfriend. I had so much study to do, then chores, part time work, i really didnt think i was perfect enough as i also wanted to be the best for him. He always looked out for me. He was a guy i felt closest to out of all my male friends. I love group work but the other girls always exclude me. The teachers like my work, and some of my friends. But they always make me feel like im odd or dont fit, and i dont understand it when i have nothibg against them. Frankly i cant ge bothered being bitchy back as its not in my nature. Maybe its cos im confident around this guy, im not sure but when he ignores me like they do i feel like i may as well change schools! I have considered this. No one calls me, no one invites me to their parties or to hang out in the mall after school. I was in love with life and loved this school, but i dont know why i am being snubbed. Arent i good enough like anyone else! Do you think he doesnt really care and is trying to give ne a big fat hint? I have been hurt before, and i would be sad to leave, and move on from him. On the other hand, my feelings are strong, we have good memories, but my study, job and chores will have to come first. Im disappointed and whenever i go through this heartache and see how they realky feel about me, i dont even want to live or be on thus planet, which makes me scared. Lucky im safe but i dont want to get bitter, but i just dont know who to turn to about this.

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Hi @fudgepup, firstly, welcome to Reach Out, and good on you for telling your story about how you are feeling at the moment. I'm also glad you are safe.

 

Sorry you've had a rough time recently with your friends, but you've come to the right place to have a chat and a vent.

 

I think you have the right attitude, there is no reason to be bitchy back, and you can focus on the positives as well. If you've got some time, have a read of this fact sheet and see what you think, there might be so info in there to help you with what you are going through at the moment.

 

Is there anyone that you can talk to about whats happening? Maybe a family member? Sometimes its great to speak to someone and get anothers perspective.

 

If you feel like there is no one to speak to and you are struggling, maybe have a chat to the guys over at eheadspace, they do a great job and are available 24x7 should you need to speak to someone.

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Hey @fudgepup

 

Welcome to ReachOut. Awesome to hear that you're looking out for your priorities like school, chores and work! Sounds like you're quite the busy bee Smiley Happy

 

It sucks that the other girls in your study group are excluding you - that's the complete opposite of what teamwork is all about. You may find that there are so many different personalities out there, and we tend to gravitate towards those who appear similar to us. But that doesn't mean that it can't be smooth sailing either with different people.

 

Have you spoken to them about this? Two years is a pretty long time, and people can change.  I've met people who can be rather stand-offish or exclusive in group settings. It's usually because they don't realise that what they're doing is affecting you badly or that they have no idea how to engage or what to do to make it more inclusive. Talking to them about what's been going on or taking initiative (i.e. organising a study sesh or a social thing for your group) are some ways to iron out the differences. 

 

As for this guy, assuming or further ruminating about his behaviour may bring you more strife than good.Waiting to be asked by him (or any of the other girls for group activities) is not going to get many answers. Have you explained to him about why you were unavailable at the time (for chores, work and study)? You may find these tips for communicating helpful. 

 

Hope this helps and let us know how you go. 

___________________________________________________
Stay excellent
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Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Hey @fudgepup ! so glad you have posted here Smiley Happy Welcome to Reach Out!

 

As @Zekk has said, you have found the right place!

 

 

I think what @Myvo has suggested is a great idea, maybe you could organise something? T

hat way people will get the idea that you like to do fun things too! Even if it is a study group but in the park or after study you all go bowling or something? It might have started accidently not being invited and then people dont see you out they assume you dont like going to parties or whatever and then they dont invite you because of that. Maybe you could spark a convo with them and ask what they are doing on the weekend, if they are doing something fun you could always tell them it sounds cool - maybe they will invite you? 

 

As for the boy, if you are close to him maybe have a chat about it? it doesnt have to be a serious scary chat, you can build up to it or find a way to set it up whilst talking casually and let him know your reasoning and how you didnt feel you could give him the time and attention you felt he deserved kind of thing, at least that way he will know its out of good intentions not because you dont have feelings for him? What do you think?

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate the viewpoints. I've had a bad night sleep unfortunately. i miss my friend and I sometimes get vivid dreams where i am talking to them, i really like my friend and we were such good friends for years. i felt could talk about anything with him. he is such a  sweet guy, always helping other students in the class, always time for anyone. big heart. that's him.

 

@hartley_ i am gonna try before the school year ends, to have a talk to him and let him know my feelings. i always trusted him and i know he cared for my feelings, so i wouldn't have any probs. we just haven't been in any of the same classes now i changed, for me to do anyting about it.

 

But part of me feels very unhappy. i really need to let him know i needed to put my studies, work and commitments first, and so it wasn't me rejecting him at all, only i didn't make it clear did i? who knows life will turn out well. i want to be a good friend to him, and it makes me feel sad to see him sad, i was always okay with the things he was into. i felt myself with him. probably the only boy i trust with my life, and would tell anything too. Smiley Happy

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Hi @fudgepup, thank you for posting, it sounds like you really like this guy and you're frustrated that's it's not working out like you want it to?

 

Firstly, you've shown some awesome emotional maturity by acknowledging how, in the past, you might not have been in a position where you could have been the best girlfriend for him (due to your chores and jobs etc.).  That really shows how much you care about his feelings!  Compared to before, how might you be in a better position to be in a relationship now?  Are you able to give a relationship your all now?

 

Secondly, sometimes when we want something to happen, we have to initiate the behaviour (rather than waiting).  Unfortunately there is always the chance that he may not feel the same way as you, so having a talk to him might be a good place to start! It doesn't have to be super-intense, a casual chat is often way more comfortable! Here are some tips on effective communication - specifically check out the body language stuff, because if you seem relaxed then he'll probably feel more relaxed too (which is good!).  Personally, I find it can also be beneficial to acknowledge if you feel uncomfortable before you start - it can be funny, makes it more light-hearted, and shows that it's important to you

 

Hope this helps, and let us know how you are going!

 

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Good morning @tsnyder ....

 

Thanks for your points! It's all down to communication.... I gotta catch up on that sleep now Smiley Wink I'm confident things will work out fine for everyone. Either way, feelings are what they are. And life is what it is.

 

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you're doing @fudgepup!

 

You sound like such an honest and caring person and I know this guy will really appreciate the open and straight forward conversation you're planning on having with him. Knowing where he stands with you and that you were prioritising work and studies will give him a much better understanding of the situation, I think.

 

Let us know how you go. Smiley Happy 

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

@fudgepup such a mature response in realtion to life and feelings!

 

It can be very hard sometimes, especially when you are juggling as many commitments as it sounds like you are. It does seem to me like you are a very kind and understanding person, I agree with @tsnyder about being open and honest with your communication, although I understand it can be quite scary sometimes and it definitely isn't always easy. 

 

It sounds like you are still a little unsure of whether you are ready for a relationship I think this article is quite interesting and could be good for you to have a look at!

 

Hope you are getting a better sleep tonight Smiley Happy

Re: i cant figure out why i'm being treated this way for love

Hi all, thank you for the replies. How is everybody managing the heat today? Smiley Surprised I thought I'd better come on here and update on this post. When I wrote the original post, sorry but I was at a low point that day. The past two days have been a turning point for me Smiley Happy I def appreciate the awesome and different perspectives and strategies that you all shared. These past 3 months since writing the above, I've found a better balance between all my obligations. I am in general doing well and keeping a sense of optimism.  And it's good to have worked through things when the going got tuff. 

 

@ZekkI've moved on from the group I was a part of...I tried to join with volunteer projects with them, but it got to te point they were ignoring me and stopped responding to me. I thought it would all be a bit equal and positive. But ...Well, I know I shouldn't take this to heart. I know I am an awesome person. And if it was best to distance myself from those particular group dynamics, i have to respect myself. I can't let it define me.

 

As to my guy friend, I am looking forward to having that conversation wtih him... And @hartley_ and @Myvo, I look forward to broaching that stuff gently. No pressure like you said. I believe friendships happen by growing togehter! It's mutual. So I hope he'll see that at least and we can take it from there. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can, without being perfectionistic about it like last year say, and know  that I have something good to give to my relationships adn those that care about me still.

 

Wow, putting it into perspective, this year I was busy with my full time job, my studies (which i did take a break from in sem 2). And nothing is more important than communicating openly and directly. Its what i want to do. That's what you were saying @tsnyder, and it's true.

 

I still feel this way, namely that I am very hopeful things will keep improving and gain more clarity. I am gratefull for these positive changes in my life for us to reconnect again, as imo relationships are very integral to one's wellbeing and peace of mind. I want to be more present in my friendships. I want to stop thinking it's 'all about me'. I want to keep being grateful for what I have in life. And I will def have developed stronger boundaries for what I stand for. 

 

Despite all that has happened, I value and have hope in what I can bring to relatiionships and life. As you said too @moonwalk, it's good to stay strong, and be bold and fearless. And good things are going to happen!!! Smiley Happy

 

And thank you too @Ben-RO for dropping me an email last week about the forums. I appreciate it, and I'll get back to you soon, to wrap this up. I promise!