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i don't know if i have depression or not

so i did the depression self test a few times on the black dog institute, the first time i got a score of 15, the next i got 12. it says if my score is 9 or more i could very well be depressed and should talk to someone about this. so here's a few things going on in my life i don't know what to do about any of it:


1. i have so much self-doubt and my self esteem is really low sometimes 

2. i love my friends and they say they love me but sometimes they treat me like absolute shit and i feel like they don't care about my feelings or wellbeing. if i told them what they were doing to me, i know they'd probably stop. but i'm terrified that they won't or that they'd brush away my feelings or worse, they'd feel horribly guilty about everything and i don't want that for them. i feel like that one friend who's always there and everyone else would rather spend time with others than me. i'm the last choice.

3. my parents argue over petty things and i'm not sure if it's meaningless or there's some underlying thing i'm not aware of

4. my little brother is the biggest shit ever, he's only 12 and he's so disrespectful towards my parents, he'd literally unable to feel guilty for any of it. he just doesn't give a shit and is blind to everything he's said and done. 

5. i feel so unwanted and unnecessary at times, like no one really cares about me and everyone pities me. fucking hell, even my friends tell me they only pity me - as a joke of course, but they fail to see how much they're hurting me


but i don't always feel this way. i mean a few times recently i've cried myself to sleep but not constantly and i don't know if i have depression. i don't want to tell anyone cause i don't want them to worry or feel guilty, i'm scared no one will care, i'm just scared of telling people and i don't know why. 


the thing is, i have a tendency to want to help people when they're feeling sad or lonely and make them feel happier but i'm not sure if anyone would do that for me. i just don't know anything please help me

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

Hey @theactivewalrus thanks heaps for reaching out and sharing your story with the community. 

That's so awesome that Black Dog has that test! It's good to start somewhere and get initial answers to some uncertainties about the way you've been feeling. In my own experience, when I felt something wasn't right - I went to a trusted GP and then additionally headed to some counselling sessions to figure out whether it was a mental illness or circumstantial.


Would you be up for heading to a professional? I think typically the best place to start is usually your GP and it can all be done confidentially. It's pretty normal to not want to tell people when we're feeling this way...Society puts this pressure on us all to be happy and on top of everything all the time. But life isn't linear, it has its ups and downs and usually the downs are what make us amazingly strong people in the long run.

RO is an awesome place for sharing personal experiences about dealing with depression and low self esteem, there's also a couple of articles that could help such as The Seven Myths of Depression and Improving Self Esteem.

 Look forward to hearing from you!

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

wowie thank you so much for replying (and i know you're supposed to do this but it makes me happy that you've replied to me like a i'm normal person ahhh) this has really helped and i'd love to talk to a GP, the only problem is i'm 14 and i'd have to tell my parents about seeing someone even if i didn't tell them the real reason why. i'll definitely consider it though, and may in the future talk to one of my more trusted friends about everything that's been going on in my friendship group Smiley Happy

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

of course @theactivewalrus! In time, the RO community will reach out as well for sure - with lived experience Smiley Happy

Hmm.. tricky about telling the parents. Do you have anyone within the school, such as a counsellor or teacher that you get on well with?


Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

Hi @theactivewalrus, we can't tell you for sure if you're dealing with depression because we can't give medical advice here on the forums, but it does sound like you have quite a bit on your mind at the moment and could use an objective person to bounce some thoughts off of in your life.


I can understand feeling a bit hesistent about bringing up the possibility of seeing a professional to your parents, it's an awkward discussion to have. Is it more that it would be an uncomfortable topic in general or are you worried that they would have a less than positive reaction? 

It's great that you identified that you have some close friends that you can bring some of this up to in the mean time, another alternative to seeing someone for now could be getting in contact with a service like Kids Helpline to have a bit of a chat through what's going on. Would that be something you would be up for giving a try? 


Let us know how things go Smiley Happy

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not



 there is a school counselor i can probably trust, it's just seeing him without my friends getting suspicious that's the problem :/

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

@Chessca_H i'm just worried what my parents will think if they find out why i'm seeing someone. i don't want them to feel guilty or at fault for anything and there's probably something to do with pride there? i'm not sure. as for kids helpline, i'll think about giving them a call when i have the opportunity 

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

Hey @theactivewalrus, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? Smiley Happy 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: i don't know if i have depression or not

@letitgo hey thank you for the concern, mentally i'm not very sure as last night and the next morning i felt sort of hopeless and sad and the best way to describe it was grey? i don't know. right now i'm okay but i'm quite tired. in terms of circumstances, i have told a close friend about how i'm feeling so we've planned to meet up and just talk about it when no one else is around. she's going through similar stuff so i feel like we might be able to figure some stuff out Smiley Happy