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i dont know anymore

i dont even know anymore, i self harmed for the first time last thursday and ive been doing it every single day since. 

on saturday my family saw the cuts and at the time i had 4, they freaked out and on monday i took the day of school and they made me see a counsellor.

the counsellor didnt really help at all because i kept telling them it was just an in the moment sort of thing. 

but the truth is i felt alone i felt like no one cared i felt like if i got hit by a fucking bus no one would think twice about it and just move on.

my friends dont give a shit 

my family is distant

i hate going out of room, i feel scared.

i feel scared to talk to people, strangers, people i know well, everyone. 

i just hate everything i really do. 

so unfortunately i have to go to school tomorrow and im going to cry because i cannot stand the girls at my school, theyre all rude and mean. i dont get bullied, dont get me wrong, but theyre all so two faced and i cant trust or confide in anyone which is what i need.

i need help from someone anyone

Re: i dont know anymore

 

hi thisisntfun

 

as always kidshelpline is always a call away on 1800 500 1800 ( i felt like i needed to include this just in case you need it, keep it on your phone or on a post-it note or something)

 

i think it's really good that you at least went to see a counsellor even if it wasn't very helpful at first. keep that up though ! don't give up. sounds like your family is trying to help. even if you can't talk to them at the moment it's good to know you're trying to get better. even by posting on here and letting someone know, like me.   

 

high school is tough as. i didn't go to an all girls school, i went to an all guys but i think there's hurdles everywhere regardless.

maybe try distract yourself by focusing on learning something at school ? i think that helped me when i needed a distraction

 

anyways, i'm here and so are a lot of other RO users. keep posting will you. you're not alone.

Re: i dont know anymore

not sure if you're still online at the moment but here's a really good fact sheet as well

http://au.reachout.com/Self-help-strategies-to-overcome-depression

 

you could try keeping a journal and hide it somewhere in ur room if that helps to vent personal stuff. even if it's just writing random words or doodling or drawing random stuff.i know others find it useful. i prefer googling happy songs / funny stuff on youtube and seeing if that changes my mood.

 

Re: i dont know anymore

well thank you, honestly just reading stuff lke this just makes me feel better that people out there may actually care.

yeah high school is rough, if anything its been the worst years of my life just because of everything and it sucks. i havent been at school for the past week because i get nervous and freak out and cry so mum lets me stay at home, thats how bad its gotten. 

but yeah music is always my saviour, but sometimes because i listen to more sad or angry music, it doesnt really help lift up my mood at all. 

sorry about the late reply, i didnt think anyone would care enough to even comment back but thank you

Re: i dont know anymore

Hi thiisntfun,

I'm really sorry to hear you're having a rough time - just like fosterthepeople said, I think continuing the counselling is a really good idea, even if it feels a bit awkward or unusual, at the very least, do try and give kids helpline a call.

I know it must feel like nobody cares at times, but we can often be surprised to find people who really do care. It sounds like your family are really concerned about you - so lean on them and confide in them as much as you need to as well.

Take care,
JD.

Re: i dont know anymore

Hi thisisntfun 

 

It sounds like you've been through a lot and you are so brave to be on the forums, asking for help and that is something you should be proud of because not many people are as strong as you are.

 

For your family to notice the cuts and try to help you it shows that they care and they want you to be safe. Have you tried speaking to another counsellor because it takes time to build trust and find the right person to help you? It is hard to talk to people you are not alone there I used to love spending time in my room by myself because it was just safer and more trusting  so I can understand that. 

 

School can be horrible but it is just one chapter in your book once you move on out of school you never know what you can achieve so try being positive about it so you can feel better about u. what are some ways you can cope with it so you dont miss out on what is important at school? Could you talk to your mum about moving schools? what can you think of to make school go faster? 

 

Im glad that music has such a positive effect on you, avoid listening to sad music, because it ends up affecting your mood, have like a playlist for just dancing and positive songs that make u smile Smiley Happy because u deserve to be happy and there is thread I think you might like http://forums.au.reachout.com/t5/Everyday-life-stuff/Self-Care/m-p/7332#U7332

 

Hope to see you around the forums 

 

Take care of yourself 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**
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Re: i dont know anymore

Hey thisisntfun,

 

I know how you feel, I honestly do. 

 

I have been self harming on and off for about a year but it has only started to get really bad lately. 

 

My parents are always checking me to make sure I havent been but I have gotten so good at hiding it that they don't even notice. 

 

I don't cut for attention, and I don't think you do either. Yuo want help but you feel like you can do it on your own at the moment. 

 

Everyday I struggle to get out of bed and go to school, but I end up getting out of bed because I know that one day I am going to succeed at something. Even if right now I don't feel that way, I want to show the girls at my school who are bitchy towards me that I am a better person than they are. 

 

Keep your chin up and try your best to keep going. There is a special place for you in this world, don't let anyone tell you otherwise xox youngster

Re: i dont know anymore

i'm thanking reachout ! it's an honest, supportive and friendly bit of cyberspace.

everyone's so busy and stuff these days it makes it harder to care about others i think. sometimes i reckon the world is turning to fast for our own good. on a side note - imagine a world where you actually had a brief conversation with the one other person in the elevator. sounds like a wicked idea to me Smiley Happy i think it'd make it a better use of elevator travel time

i know it's only been a day but have you called up kidshelpline just to check it out and see who's on the other end of the line ? even if it's just for a brief chat

omgggg sad songs. sometimes i love them and other times they really don't life my mood at all. you're so right ! i like my top 40 pop stuff so that's normally happy stuff. what kind of artists do you like at the moment ?

haha don't worry about it. it was like past midnight anyways i should've been asleep but i though i'd pop on for a bit

Re: i dont know anymore

so i havent really been on here for a while because i kinda forgot about it and didnt really think anyone would bther replyng or reading all my crap. 

so the past 2 weeks or so, my grandfathr got rushed to hsopital because he has an ulcer on his stomach that bursted and created a hole in one of his intestines. 

hes been in intesnive care for a bit now and its effected me pretty badly. my grandfather and i are pretty close and seeing him in the state hes in hurts me so bad. 

mum keeps finding out that i keep self harming and shes getting so worried i feel horrible. i dont regret cutting i just regret my mum finding out and getting worried about it because im the last thing my  mum should be worried about right now. 

all my friends have pretty much turned against me for numerous amount of reasons but i just want to push them away. none of them udnerstand what im going through  and everything they say annoys me and they make jokes about people who cut themselves and call them emo and whatnot. it hurts me so bad. 

 

the music i find myself turning to is actually foster the people, all time low, and a few other aritsts you may or may not hav heard of like city and colour, matt corby, and people generally like that. i find it soothing and makes me happy. but idk, sometimes even music doesnt cut it for me as much anymore. 

im awake until like 3am every night because i cant sleep and find myself laying awake thinking about everything that has been going on. its really hard. im not handling anything well im really not. 

Re: i dont know anymore

i honestly envy your strongness. i cant handle going to school but mum makes me. its not even the bitchiness anymore its just i cant handle interacting with people.
im really happy for you and how strong you are x