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i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

Everything in my head is so crazy atm, I need to get it out or I'll implode. None of this will really make sense or be in a logical order but I just want to talk to someone who's not my therapist.

Panic attacks...I hate them. I had one in class today and everyone just laughed at me. Seriously. We made class rules today about being caring considerate etc and you laugh at me because I had a panic attack about the smallest spider ever that fell onto my table. They didn't know about my arachnophobia and previous history with spiders (psychosis related) but that didn't mean they could make fun of me for freaking out and not being able to breathe.
I get panic attacks all the time now. I just lose the plot completely sometimes. And it's over the simplest of things. You move my TV remote of my table to the foot rest. Panic attack. I arrive 3 min late. Panic attack. Get dirt on my hand. Panic attack. I know some of it is related to my ocd but it doesn't make it easier. I can't control it. Things in my head are just so out of control. I'm so anxious all the time that the smallest thing makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I feel so stupid. Why did I decide to study. Will I pass my units. Can I do this. Is it worth all the extra stress and pressure. What if the course doesn't fulfill my expectations or me fill the expectations of my course. Will it all be worth it.

I hate my body do much too. It makes me feel so idk, horrid. I've been relapsing in my ed in an effort to get more 'better' but I'm having no results and then I end up losing that control I had gained. It's frustrating. I want to get skinny. I want to be perfect. I don't care if I get physically sick again because of it because if I'm losing you weight ' I'm doing something right.' How stupid does that sound but I want it. And I hate my body so much because of my scars etc I hate how people just stare. I know I'm crazy, you don't have to make me feel worse about it.

And since I relapsed about a month ago with my self harm I've kinda gone back to it. I can't stop. It's like a drug. Relapse is so glorious even though I don't want it. I would do anything to never self harm again, but it's a drug, it's my release when things or the voices get too hard. Why can't I just move on with my life.

And my mum has been harassing me again. I can't handle it. Why does she have to call 5 times a day (or more), doesn't she get that I just can't handle it atm. I don't need her bullshit when everything else is already tearing me down. She called when I was in my therapy session today and I actually got my therapist to tell her I can't speak to her right now. I'm so weak and pathetic that I can't even tell my mother that I can't speak to her right now and try back next week.

Urgh

And I'm so over my mood swings. Like on Tuesday I got so suicidal I had to go to hospital. And all these crazy wacked swinging emotions for no reason what so ever. I hate my mental illness. I hate all of them. Why do I have to feel so intense things and not be able to cope with the littlest of things that normal people laugh about. Why do I have to be the crazy one. Why can't I just get better. I try to help people but I can never apply it to myself. I'm so pathetic.

I'm sorry if you read all this.

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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

I did read all this and there's no need to be sorry @redhead
I'm really glad you were able to get all of that out in the open instead of bottling it up inside.
All of those things you mentioned sound really difficult to handle, I'm thinking of you at the moment -and sending you a huge internet hug.
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

It's it's important to get these things out, rather then keeping them bottled in @redhead, there's no reason to be sorry. I'm thinking of you and I also send you an e-Hug Smiley Very Happy
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Guess what day it was!!! It was Wear It Purple Day!! Come on over and learn all about what it is and what you can still do!

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Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

hey , im new on here.  reading through your venting i was thinking how well you expressed some really distressing stuff.

i feel whilst you have the ability to get that stuff out theres always hope to improving and managing your difficulties.

as for whats other say and do, well i know that can be painful and we all take it in our own way.

vent away i say,,,, more venting the better. time sometimes has a away of taking off the edge, it has been for me.

 

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

@ jolly roger@N1ghtW1ng and @j95 - I agree with everything you said. Great words of support guys!

 

@redhead I'm really proud of you for building up the courage to vent all of these things. I know it's tough to do, but it can be a huge help getting stuff off your chest!

 

I'm sorry to hear your class mates laughed at you when you had a panic attack. Some people don't understand the severity of a panic attack and just think that when a person is suffering one, they just got a little worked up - but it's so much more than that. Would you feel comfortable taking to your teacher about having panic attacks so they could maybe discuss it with your class? That way your class mates will hopefully understand more about them and that they aren't a laughing matter.

 

I know how tough and stressful studying can be, but it can also be super rewarding. I'm so happy for you that you decided to study this year and from our chats on here, you seem like a really intelligent and perceptive person, so I definitely don't think you're stupid at all! 

 

Did you mention your feelings about your body and your self harm thoughts to your therapist when you last spoke? If your self harm urges become strong, please take yourself to the hospital or contact emergency services so you're looked after.

 

Again, I just want you to know how strong I think you are for talking about all of these feelings.

 

(One last thing - I had to edit out the mention of drugs in your post as it goes against the RO community guidelines.)

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

@j95 @N1ghtW1ng thanks for the hugs
@jolly roger thanks.
@moonwalk if I have another panic attack in class I'll tell my teacher about it, it's a good idea. And I've told my therapist it just sucks. I feel like she's dissapointed with me because of it.
And sorry for breaking the guidelines, I didn't realise.
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Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

Oh, no! That sucks to hear that you had a panic attack during class. I can't even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for you, @redhead. If you don't mind me asking, what makes you think that your therapist is disappointed in you?


My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

@stonepixie I had pretty much stopped self harming but now I'm doing it again. Also because she's diagnosed me with anorexia again even though I had previously recovered. And I stopped having panic attacks about 4 years ago. And then just everything about me. I feel so stupid, worthless and pathetic.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

I'm always really inspired that you don't allow mental illness to stop you from doing your thing and studying, @redhead. You're flipping it the bird and letting it know it won't completely take over your life. Biggest, slappiest high five for that.

 

I know you know this, but backsliding is part of recovery. Yes, it's frustrating as hell especially when you think you've moved past something - panic attacks, self harm, disordered eating. But on the plus side, you've been through it before and you know that you can come out the other side. You've got a strong support network, and you're being honest with them which is the only way they can help. I'm glad you're planning to chat with your teacher about the panic attacks too. It's harder to help if you don't know what's going on.

 

Also, you know we would never judge you here on ReachOut. It's just not our thing. Smiley Happy

Re: i need to vent and feel no judgement right now

hey redhead,

wow, what you said here ive have heard heaps of times from my brother. past few years though he plugged away at music and become pretty good at keyboards and drums. hes actually good at heaps of things but doesnt do much these days.he is proud of this music though.

i am certain everyone has stuff and characteristics that they can be ok with. even a love of animals. sometimes pets can be the best medicine.

as for being labled with diagnosis, i totally get that, ive lost track of all ours,,,,,in time it just naturally stops mattering as much.

redhead i hear what your saying but your here and reaching out, that aint stupid. everyone here cares, some can reachout to you others are sending you their love and best wishes.