jumping back into life.

That is fair enough Eden. It can be so hard putting things into words. Just remember if you do want to give it a try it doesn't have to be full paragraphs or sentences. Like could literally just be a word. I do this thing sometimes in my journal that I call 'words of the day' and like I just write random words about my day down cause I struggle with knowing how to formulate things too. So like I might say 'exhausted' 'frustrated' 'nothing is making sense' 'suicidal' 'scared' 'alone' 'can't concentrate' etc. I just find it's easier when I'm only expecting myself to write a word or two. Like for you the past few days you could just put things like 'don't know where to start' 'nothing feels right' 'scared to cry' 'Netflix' 'struggling to do daily tasks' 'exhausted' 'can't explain what's going on' 'don't know what's going on' 'scared to tell supports what's going on'. Idk they're just a few I've noticed from your last couple posts that might help with communicating to your CM and psych about things? Like even though you're not explaining it, it gives them a bit of an insight into how you're feeling and what you're experiencing atm and could help them with providing you with the right kind of support? Idk. May be completely unhelpful and I'm sorry if it is! Just remind yourself that you don't have to have all the answers to what's going on for you right now. A word or two is always a good start 💙

How has today been anyway? Have you been up to much this weekend?

I'm so sorry to hear that things are so hard for you right now and that you haven't been getting much sleep @Eden1717 
I noticed you mentioned that you couldn't go to bed because you hadn't showered - do you feel like that's something that's getting in the way of you sleeping, or are there other reasons it's hard to sleep?

How are you feeling today?
I really hope your appointment goes well and you're able to share some of what's going on for you. 💛

@Eden1717 I'm sorry you're not feeling right and can't figure out what's wrong 😞 I like @MB95's idea about writing down words- I do dot points or literally just scribble sometimes when I journal cause I don't know what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'll just write a little discussion with myself where I'm like "What's wrong" "I don't know" "You can talk to me" "No I can't" and then I don't really get anywhere but at least I've written something and tried lol. Not really sure where I'm going with that maybe like sometimes there aren't really any right words?

Did you want to talk about the threat you're still perceiving? I'm sorry the basic self-care stuff is hard right now and you're not able to sleep 😞 It sounds like you've got a lot going on so it's pretty understandable not being able to get stuff you want done. That doesn't make it any less frustrating though 😞

Who's your appointment with (if that's okay to ask)? I've got an appointment tomorrow too lol with my psych, and I have to say I'm nervous as well but I have no clue why 😕

Try not to beat yourself up too much about not being able to do it all right now, honestly, your body must be exhausted and just needing a break so let yourself rest if you are feeling like that's what you need. I think the main thing is you are trying because that's all you really can do right now. You've been through a lot so just make sure you give yourself time and don't push it too much okay? 

It sounds like seeing your CM didn't go too badly today which is great to hear! If you don't mind me asking, what sort of health professional is she? Like is she a social worker, OT, nurse? That totally sucks about the extension with your treatment order and I'm sorry that's the case because I know how much you hate being on it but it does sound like your CM has some good ideas and intentions there with what she is wanting to work on with you. What do you think? Maybe if you work hard with her on the early warning signs and understanding of what's going on for you it might help prevent you from getting to the point where hospital is needed and potentially see you come off the treatment order down the track? Idk. It sounds like she is willing to do some good work with you now while you aren't feeling as distressed maybe which will hopefully help with things down the track? How are you feeling about it all though? Because for any of it to be effective you obviously have to be on board and it has to be meaningful for you so that you actually want to engage. Do you feel like this would be helpful to work through with her? 

I am pretty sure she is a social worker yeah she was saying the goal is to keep me out of the hospital which would be good because i hate going there and it always makes things harder after. i am hoping if i work on the stuff with her then i wont have to be on an order but yeah it is a bit daunting because i am scared i wont be able to do it properly whenever my psychologist has tried to tell me about diagnosis stuff it has always been hard because i dont know what to think/believe. like honestly it is really hard because there is a part of me that is like yes having schizoaffective diorder would explain a lot of thing that have happened in my life. but there is another part of me that is like no you arent mentally ill you are just psychic and have magical powers and stuff that others dont/wont/cant understand which is why they say you are mentally ill. but yeah idk what to think. 

It sounds like it did go well with your CM today (aside from the possibility of the treatment order getting extended 😞 )? I like that you guys will be working on early warning signs and understanding the diagnosis and treatment plan you've been given. I feel like this is so much better than leaving people in the dark about stuff. I hear you about not knowing what to believe about your diagnosis- it would be so confusing not to know what to believe 😞 I'm wondering if there's a way of thinking about this without having to focus on choosing what to believe? Would focusing on what feels like a less scary experience for you help? Like when you think the drs are wrong/lying how do you feel? It sounds like things can get pretty intense/scary and sometimes dangerous? Whereas how does it feel when you are more inclined to believe your psych, CM and treatment team and want to work with them to stay out of hospital? Perhaps it can still feel scary and depending on who you're working with it can be a bad experience? But overall does one way feel any better than the other? And like which belief is less likely to affect the things that are important to you- like your relationships with your mum, friends, etc. and your ability to do uni work? I think when you believed your treatment team were lying you weren't able to talk to your mum anymore which sounded so isolating 😞 And uni or even doing stuff to chill out like netflix was nearly impossible? Idk this is just an idea but is there a belief that causes you less distress and doesn't interfere as much with what you want in life? Or is that kind of too much of a superficial way of looking at things?

idk it is hard because like it would be easier and less stressful for me to believe what my psych and CM and stuff are saying but i just kind of dont like i want to but there is just this nagging feeling that they are wrong and it doesnt help the expereice i had with the other hospital who just said i was making everything up for attention because that rings in my head and is like well i know i am not making it up but they said it wasnt mental illness so it must all be real and it must be true that all this stuff has been happening and idk it just always ends up me not knowing what to believe because there are too many conflicting opinions. ugh it is complicated and really exhausting and idk what to do. 

Yeah it would be really hard with that nagging feeling 😞 I'm really sorry you had that experience in hospital that would be a horrible thing to ring around your head 😞 It was a really messed up and wrong thing for them to say. It would be really hard with experiencing so many mixed messages 😞

That would be really scary with thinking if you choose something to believe you could be wrong. Like it sounds really complicated- it sounds like there would be unintended consequences whether you believe the mental health side of things or the magic powers side of things?

I think you said once that with your ocd stuff it got so bad that eventually you had to just say 'so what if it happens' like even if it was a really bad thing? Like there was only so much you could know and control? Am I remembering that right? Could that sort of radical acceptance be applied here or not really?

I just thought of a really weird analogy I'm sorry if this is super weird and unhelpful please tell me if that's the case and ignore this. But like with choosing to believe something that shapes your world view and could have consequences I am kind of reminded of religion? Like I'm not religious but in certain religions they believe there are really bad consequences of not believing and if that's the case I'm probably doomed. But what makes me more comfortable is not being religious because it feels right and makes more sense for me? Like sure there is the possibility that I'm wrong, I mean we barely know anything about the world. But like at the moment the best way for me to function is by not believing in any religion?

But like with this stuff it sounds like it's a lot harder because there's so much evidence for you for both sides? And like the consequences sound like they seem more immediate? Idk it's really hard 😞

I'm so sorry you're so stuck between partly believing what your professional supports say about having a mental illness and then also not agreeing with them. I can TOTALLY relate, particularly right now. I also feel like there are two of me, idk if you get that feeling too? Like there is this part of you who you almost know is really unwell and can see why professionals would think certain things but then part of you who feels like everything is fine and what they are saying is not true and can't be real? I full heartedly get that. And am quite the same where I've read and done so much research on the potential things I supposedly have and yeah I guess I experience all the symptoms and stuff but like I also don't think I have any of it and think they are making it up and don't know me. It's exhausting having to second guess everything and try to work out what's true and what's not. If you work out how the heck to do that please let me know cause I'm hella screwed with it myself 😂 I do sometimes wonder though if things would be different if there was no stigma? Idk like I guess if someone told me I had cancer or diabetes or something I probably wouldn't even think twice about it and just accept it whereas I kinda refuse to accept I have a mental illness? Idk. What's your thoughts? Sorry this is long, what you said just really resonated with me so thanks for sharing 💙

I am sorry the hospital people said that too about you making it up. Like seriously, this shit is hard enough to navigate without dickheads throwing in their two cents worth!! That really pisses me off because I don't think people like that realise how damaging their words can actually be and it just makes everything so much more complicated and confusing!! 

That's cool your CM is a social worker, I feel like most of them seem to be SWs. When will you be meeting the new peer worker you spoke about? 

Also, I love the analogy lost lol I'd also be doomed.. 😂😂😂

How has your day been anyway Eden? 

@Lost_Space_Explorer5  it isnt quite like the religion stuff like this feels very strong and very real. i have tried living in the sense that ok this reality is the one everyone else seems to be living in and this is the one i inhabit and just trying to focus on living in the one with everyone else but that actually just made everything harder because i ended up more split between the 2 and getting really paranoid and having to hide a whole world because you know others either wont get it or worse will harm you if they find out is exhausting. 

like even now i cant tell if what happened was real or not real like did they just stop plotting against me or can i just not see the truth because the meds are making me unable to see it anymore. i dont know and maybe i never will either. but yeah it is hard. 

@MB95 idk it doesnt feel like there is two of me it feels like there is two of everyone else if that makes sense. but i am sorry you can relate to the confusion and second guessing everything cause that stuff is so horrible to live with. idk if i would accept it if it was physical i guess because for me physical there is a test and all this evidence they collect to prove to you that you have an illness but mental health is just like he said she said there is no objective evidence that i can grasp onto to feel secure. idk it is complicated and exhausting. 

my day today has been ok i got a few things done but i am still working on a lot of things but i guess it has to be small steps for now. 

Hi @Eden1717 It sounds like things are super confusing and exhausting for you right now, but it is so lovely to see that you have the support of @MB95 

We are always here for a chat if you need it 💜

Yeah that makes sense. It does sound so exhausting!! That's good you got some things done today - awesome work!! I think I agree, it has to be small steps at the moment and it sounds like you are doing just that which is great. Have you got much planned for tonight?

Nah I havent got much planned for tonight just trying to finish a few things while watching netflix i guess. what about you? 

Sounds good. I don't really know, not much. I'm feeling very weird so think I'm just going to have a shower and try go to bed cause I'm not quite sure what's happening. Are you watching anything particular on Netflix? I finished watching the last season of Atypical and it was really good.

a shower and bed sounds good. i have been watching chicago med the last 2 days. 

Nice. I haven't seen that one, is it good? I was watching how to get away with murder and that's really good but I've also finished that now and need something new to watch 

Hi @Eden1717 ,

I am sorry to hear that happened to you at the other hospital. It sounds like that was not a helpful experience at all for you and left you with more questions than answers. Unfortunately, when it comes to getting the proper care, a lot of places can fall short.

It is exhausting, but I want to assure you that you don’t have to come up with a solution tonight, you’re here, you’re keeping in touch with your treatment team, you’re posting with us on RO, you’re doing well in spite of everything.

Hi @Eden1717 ,

It sounds like you have a pretty clear understanding of where you stand now with your support team and what your options are but aren’t sure about what you want to do moving forward. I can’t imagine how difficult and confusing it would be to have solid and consistent idea of what you believe and how you want to approach things when you feel pulled in so many directions.  Especially when ideas, thoughts or delusions that are larger than life, can allow us to escape our lives, these can be very highly motivating. As with any disorder, depression, anxiety, even trauma. It can be easier to believe what we feel or what’s inside of us, than trust someone else’s perspective, especially if we feel it’s hard to trust others.

I can imagine it could feel like a maze sometimes, trying to work out where to go or finding a firm path through, only for it to go in directions we aren’t expecting.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to sleep and do the things you need to look after yourself 😞 It can be really hard coming back home from hospital I can't imagine what it would be like alone without your family there to support you. How have things been with your CM by the way? I know things were really scary before hospital and you were struggling to trust her 😞

Is there anything that could help with settling in again? What tasks are you struggling with most? Is it like cooking and chores and stuff or is it like brushing your teeth/ showering before bed? Or something else? I remember in the past you said you had to do certain things before bed and when they took extra time because things were really hard, it kind of pushed back when you were able to get to sleep? Sort of like a domino effect? Is that kind of what's happening now?

@Eden1717 it makes sense that you would be adjusting sleeping at home again. You've been through an ordeal and it can a bit of time to settle back into home and some normalcy again. It sounds like crying will help you release emotions from your tired body. This is also quite normal when the body and mind are just so exhausted and need to release tension. I don't know about you, but I always feel good after a good cry and sometimes I need to do a lot of it. It's a process I have gone through before and it always eventually stopped for me. Do you think it will stop for you if you keep allowing yourself to cry? Looking after yourself can be tough, particularly when there is much to do. Try to keep looking after yourself and let someone know if you need help. 

I'm sorry you're not settling back in too well. Try not to be too hard on yourself because you've just been through A LOT and its going to take some time. I'm sorry taking care of yourself right now is so hard, that totally sucks. And I'm sorry I'm not much help I think I am going to stay off here for the night cause I'm really not feeling okay but I will check in with you tomorrow. Sorry. Was your case manager able to give you any strategies to help try settle you back in?