jumping back into life.
So I am starting a new thread because the new website format wont let me view my old thread past a certain number of pages so sorry if I am missing anything I think I caught most of it before it swapped over but anyway it was probably time for a new thread anyway. @MB95 @Lost_Space_Explorer5 I am tagging you too cause I think you replied before.
anyway sorry I have been away, I went to my psychiatrist appointment and they said I had to go straight to hospital and I just got out today. I am super behind on uni now and really dont know what to do but that i am not going to think about tonight. a lot has been going on and I am now on a depot medication which I hate, I am seeing the psych again on friday and yeah idk where to even start. I will try and catch up on everything that has been going on here soon.
@Philippa-RO yeah the showering is a big thing that is getting in the way but also last night i was hearing things and i got scared.
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 the appointment was with the psychiatrist it went ok and then i had to have my depot after and yeah idk i was very scared before but it went ok. i hope your appointment today went well.
I am feeling really really really weird this afternoon i cant sit still and nothing is keeping me distracted and i want to scream and idk i just feel very off but i have no idea why and i am trying really hard to settle but i cant seem too and ugh it is just annoying i feel like i want to crawl out of my own skin but yeah idk today has been a full on a weird day.
I'm glad the depot was okay, it doesn't sound like a pleasant thing to go through at all @Eden1717 😞 My appointment ended up getting rescheduled cause of covid stuff. I'm sorry you're feeling so off 😞 Do you think it could be from the depot/seeing the psychiatrist? Or is it something else? I'm sorry you were hearing things again last night that sounds really scary, it's understandable you couldn't sleep
I'm sorry you were getting scared last night and that you didn't get much sleep. That's good your appointment went well though, or as well as these things can go. Sorry I don't have much to offer right now. I am thinking of you though and here to listen. I think lost is right about there sometimes not being any words for any of this and just writing random shit is progress. See how you feel about it. You obviously don't have to do it but sometimes I find it can help. Idk.
thanks @MB95 and @Lost_Space_Explorer5 i am not sure if it is because of the appointments that i am feeling so weird i mean it totally could be i just feel very agitated and like not right and i keep pacing and stuff because i feel so uncomfortable but like idk why ugh it is very annoying. yeah and the voices last night kept telling me to save myself and i was confused and i still am and i have class tomorrow maybe that isnt helping i really have no idea i am trying everything i can to calm down but it isnt helping. ugh oh well.
Hm yeah sometimes we can just feel off for no reason 😞 Having class tomorrow could definitely be making things worse. Is there anything you're worried about?
Is the pacing helping? I find pacing helpful sometimes cause it sort of gives me something to do. Or is it sort of just frustrating and stressful cause you don't want to feel restless? That does sound confusing that they were telling you to save yourself 😞
idk there is nothing specific i can think of that i am worried about but idk. the pacing is not helping which sucks. yeah idk what i need to save myself from but ok nope i just figured it out nevermind it makes sense now. ugh but i dont like the answer.
Oh no it sounds like you've figured out what's been worrying you? And figuring it out hasn't really helped things? Do you want to talk about what you figured out you think you need to save yourself from?
I think they meant because of the psych appointment and because i still have a device in my head so it wasnt safe to go there and maybe i shouldnt have had the depot.
That would be really distressing thinking there is a device in your head and the depot was not really medicine 😞 How do you know whether to trust what the voices were saying are true?
Idk if i can trust them or not that is half the problem like i really dont know what to believe at the moment because i cannot tell who is real and who isnt.
Hi @Eden1717 this is all an incredible ordeal you are going through. There are so many different moving parts for you that it is no wonder why you are so unsettled, weird and unable to distract yourself. I mean how could you with everything going on. Not knowing who is real and who isn't sound incredibly confusing and I can only imagine what you are going through. I am going to echo @MB95 and say that @Lost_Space_Explorer5 has some helpful suggestions for you. Do you think that they will help you at all? It's so great that you have such support on this forum and that you are able to come here and express in such a safe space.
Trusting people can be really hard, even when there aren't things telling us we shouldn't trust, so I can't imagine how much more intense this would be 😞 And on top of that, you have to trust people who are putting medication into your body, and you don't really get a choice in the matter anyway. So I can understand a bit why this would be so confusing and stressful 😞
Do you think asking the psychiatrist directly about this could help? Because sometimes when I think people are trying to hurt me but I kind of feel like I might be wrong talking to them about it can help. Although sometimes it can make things worse. It kind of depends on if you have developed some sort of rapport with them in the first place. Could you ask people who you do trust about this- like your mum or your friends? Sometimes that can be reassuring. Although before I remember there was a worry that they were spying on you so that would make it harder
Not knowing who to trust is so hard and I cant imagine not knowing who is real and who isn't is any easier. I think lost has some good ideas there though.
@MaryRO @MB95 @Lost_Space_Explorer5 thanks everyone, the problem with asking is that i dont know that i would believe anyone even if they answered. like even if people try and tell me they are real it is like well of course they would say that but it doesnt make me feel like they are any more real than before, so like i dont believe them. idk it is complicated.
@Eden1717that would be very difficult to not be able to believe what they are saying. I can imagine it would be difficult to believe if others a real or not to you. It's very difficult when you can see things so vividly and it all looks the same. This indeed could be very complicated to explain to anyone who isn't going through it. Of course, we can imagine how hard it is, but we may never really know the reality of your challenges. It must be really shit to not be able to distinguish between what/who is real and who isn't. Is there something that can offer you some comfort during these times?
Yeah that makes sense @Eden1717, I would probably be worried they were lying as well. Idk the trusting stuff is really complicated. Like maybe if they truly seemed to not be lying, there could be the thought that maybe they just didn't know what was real themselves? It seems like it would be really hard to sort of reason with yourself about this when there's so much uncertainty and there is scary stuff going on as well?
I guess like I'm wondering does challenging these thoughts help? Or does it kind of make them stronger because there could always be something to support them? Like if someone tried to argue they were real would that help or would that just make the whole situation more suspicious?
What do you think is most helpful when stuff gets really scary and it's hard to trust people?
I'm not sure if it would be helpful to like try a thought challenging approach?- like you know how you did the pros and cons for the medication stuff? Sort of like that but with evidence for and against each possible experience? Like idk I kind of did this thing with my ocd thoughts where the first column is like theory A and that says I'm a horrible person because I have these thoughts and should be locked up and then theory B is I have ocd and these are intrusive thoughts and I am worried about having these thoughts. Like a lot of the time I'm like really not convinced it is ocd cause yeah stuff can be really intense but idk looking at it this way can be helpful. I'm not sure if that could be at all helpful cause yeah this is a different thing
Sorry this is such a long reply idk I really want to help but I'm not sure how 😞
@MB95 yeah it is a good show.
I have had a hard last few days and idk what is going on but everything is a mess and i am really nervous about a few things and especially a situation with a friend but anyway i just have to wait and see.
It sucks not knowing what's going on hey? It can get so confusing and idk about you but I just loose big chunks of time without even realising it? Did you want to talk about anything that you're feeling nervous about? It's okay if you don't. I hope that whatever happens with you and your friend works out okay for you. Relationships are hard.
idk i am feeling nervous about a lot of things but today i have been feeling scared again and idk what to do i am trying really hard to manage everything and yes i am not as scared as before hospital but i can feel things creeping back and idk everything is just a mess like idk i just want to cry for some reason and idk why.
I was just about to message you to check in and up popped your message! 😂
I know you've mentioned that feeling of wanting to cry before but not being able too. Do you think you could let yourself cry tonight? Or maybe even watch something sad that will make you cry? Idk. Sorry I get that quite a bit too and not exactly sure what to do with that feeling or how to bring on the tears lol
Would chatting to your psych or CM now while you can feel things creeping back in be beneficial do you think? Like to maybe let someone on your treating team know how you're feeling before things escalate too much? Idk sorry my advice is shit tonight 🙃
well i spoke to my psych today and idk i just couldnt really explain what was going on properly like i tried but i just couldnt i guess cause i dont really know what is going on with me either maybe i am not sure. as for the crying idk i dont feel like sad crying i feel like crying from being scared and idk how to bring that on it is weird. i have to see my CM and the psychiatrist soon but i am scared to tell them what is going on.
Hi @Eden1717 I'm sorry to hear that there is so much going on at the moment and that you are starting to feel things creeping back in. I can hear how hard your trying to manage everything. Is there something that you can do to make yourself feel a little bit better tonight? We're all here for you 💜
Ugh, it can be SO HARD trying to explain what's going on when even we don't know or understand it ourselves hey? I'm sorry it was difficult with your psych today. Do you think maybe even just seeing how things are until you see the psychiatrist and your CM might help? Like what about maybe trying to write down say 3-5 words each day of what you've felt? Might help with explaining it to them and also help to track the progression for them? Idk. Just a bit of a random thought.
Hey @Eden1717 yeah I had a feeling the analogy of 'picking a worldview' was way off I'm sorry 😞 🤦♀️ It sounds really scary not knowing what or who to trust and I'm sorry you have to hide a whole world, that sounds exhausting 😞 I hope you know that even though we mightn't understand we are definitely trying to ❤️
I'm sorry something stressful was happening with your friend and that the fear and confusion is starting to come back 😞 With the scared crying I feel like it's something that just builds and builds till we reach breaking point and something seemingly small can set us off? Do you relate to that at all? I'm not entirely sure how to help with scared crying I feel like it usually happens after we've had a lot going on and it just sort of hits us? Maybe like telling yourself it's okay to be feeling scared and that it makes sense could be helpful? Perhaps if you find a place where you can feel safe it might help with letting the emotions out? I'm not sure sorry 😞
@Courtney-RO I have been trying to just watch netflix and relax a bit but idk.
@MB95 yeah i am just going to wait until i see my CM and the psych and see how things go until then. i wouldnt even know where to start with the right words nothing feels right when i try and write it down anyway.
@Lost_Space_Explorer5 yeah idk i feel like i am in the safest place i can be right now but i guess maybe idk whatever threat i am percieving isnt gone so maybe i cant cry yet because it isnt over idk it is super weird.
i am really struggling rignt now. i need to go to bed and i am exhausted but i cant seem to get myself to brush my teeth which means i cant shower either which means i cant go to bed and i just want to cry even more i am so tired and everything is so hard and i just want to be able to do basic things but i cant seem to and ugh i am a mess.
