I know I've posted about a couple of things that I've been struggling with a while ago, so I'm just gonna sum it all up without getting into big descriptions: depression, social anxiety, self-harm, self-hatred, and lonely.
That's just about everything that's wrong with me. I've struggled with being unhappy since year 7 (I'm in year 10 now), struggled with stopping self-harming, tried to get rid of the negative voice in my head, and desperately tried to find my place in high school.
The thing is, it's almost been 4 years, and I'm only heading down a course of self-destruction. I'm scared that if my life keeps on going on like this the vague ideas i've had of suicide are gonna become something more serious.
My friends know what I'm going through, but they don't take it seriously, they don't care, and they don't want to be bothered with helping someone like me. I've tried telling them but they pretend like they care for about 2 seconds and then change the subject.
I've tried being friends with everyone in the school and I haven't found anone that genuinely cares. I don't know any adults I trust, or even like, and my relationship with my mother and father are terrible. I haven't spoken to my dad in years. and my mum hates me (don't believe me? I'm sure i could provide some quotes where she's said exactly that). I don't think my school has a counsellor, and I can't go see a GP (no means of transportation, they'd tell my mum, i'd get in trouble, they'd brush it off). I can't call KHL as i don't have a phone.
I feel absolutely alone in the world. I keep thinking if i had a best friend or even an internet friend who i'd talk to every day (I had two internet bffs a year ago and I can't remember ever being happier than i was when we used to talk every day. and i know the dangers of making "internet friends", the most we knew about eachother was our countries and first names), I would be alright. Sometimes i just wanna move away and start again in the hopes i meet someone like me.
I keep going back to suicide in my head, but I honestly don't want to die. I want to be happy and live. But I don't know any other ways as a cry for help (see i have this weird fantasy in my head that someone would find me in the nick of time and save me or whatever). I want someone to genuinely care about me, but in reality, only the pretty, popular type girls are loved and have friends who care. Not the introverted, weird ones.
I don't even know what this post is supposed to achieve. I want to vent all my secrets to someone so bad. I have all this pent up emotion and i guess i just wanna let it go.
Re: no solution?
I just wanted to say, we are here and we are listening. Thank you for opening up and sharing what's going on with you. I know that even in a forum like this, it can be hard to trust enough to open up.
It's great that you can recognise that even when thoughts are coming up about ending it all, you know you want to get past that and live and be happy. There's a list of things you can do to challenge those thoughts which might help:
It sounds like you've given some thought to what kind of avenues there might be for you to find someone to help (and listen). Do you have a teacher you would feel comfortable asking about whether the school has a counsellor you could talk to? Otherwise, since you can't call KHL on the phone, they actually offer text chat which might work for you instead?
I saw your posts the other day about BULLYING. You are making a positive contribution here at Reach Out. Please stick around, and DO remember to reach out to us if you need to talk.
Re: no solution?
it's really comforting to know that i have people (even if i dont know them) who are concerned with my wellbeing. thanks
i really don't trust any of the teachers at my school. one actually said to the whole class: "don't tell me if you're depressed or have issues, cause then i'll have to report it." that's pretty disappointing for me, knowing that's the general attitude of all of the teachers at my school.
i tried both khl and eheadspace chat services tonight. I actually moved back in the queue several times, which is weird, at khl, and they close pretty early so i didn't have a chance of getting in. and eheadspace has always been too busy, every time i try.
i'd completely forgot about that thread! it's been so long since i've logged on here, and it's good to be back and talking with people who understand.
Re: no solution?
Feeling like you need to die in order to overcome what you're feeling is a really hard place to be in. I think that it's ok to feel this way and that often a lot of people do, but what's really important is that you tell someone about it. Telling someone with the means to help you can be a really positive step to getting back on track to feeling happy. Thoughts of suicide can be really difficult to deal with on your own and having someone alongside to support you can make a huge difference.
It sounds like you're in a pretty isolated area where getting to the GP is hard and your school doesn't provide any counselling support. Have you considered eheadspace? It's an online service where you can chat to a health professional about what you're thinking and feeling and how those thoughts and emotions reflect in your behaviour. It sounds like you could really benefit from talking to them.
Also just because your school doesn't have counsellors doesn't mean that you couldn't reach out to a teacher that you trust, they might not hold all the answers but they should do their best to find you someone who can help who has the answers.
Friendships can be really hard to maintain when you're feeling down in the dumps. It's awful to hear that no one is able to provide you with the kind of support that you need. As a bit of an anecdote from my own life, I sometimes find it difficult to support my friends mental health because it can have a huge impact on my own, I always point them in the right direction but sometimes there isn't much more I am emotionally capable of doing. Perhaps your friends are in a similar boat, where they really care for you but can't or don't know what to do to help out. Have you considered sharing some of the fact sheets from ReachOut.com with them, or even giving them some tips about what might help you out when you're feeling down i.e. I love my friends to offer me a cup of tea, so I've told them that when I'm feeling down that's a pretty good starting point!
I really hope you're able to share this story with someone around you who is able to give you some support and guidance through this time. Goodluck
Re: no solution?
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. Some of the feelings and thoughts you've mentioned sound similar to what I'm going through at the moment. I've also struggled with SH and suicidal thoughts for a long time. When I was younger I believed that if I waited long enough that it would all disappear. I made a lot of excuses about not seeing or talking to anyone about how I was feeling. I keeped everything a secret until last week when I made an appointment to see a GP. He was able to reassure me that lot of people talk to him about what their feeling and he has given me extra support ( I have an appointment with both him and a psychologist next week.) I understand that you might have some difficulty with transport being an issue. Perhaps there are buses or trains that you can catch? or bribing a friends mum into dropping you off? When I didn't have my licence and I needed to go to the doctor I googled the closest surgery and walked two kms.(apparently exercise is good for you )
Its great to hear that you are trying helplines which I find are a big help and even though sometimes it takes ages to get through to someone. I always feel better when I talk to someone which is why I tell myself that I can not hang up until I've gotten through. I know you don't have a phone. Maybe there's a phone booth close to where you live? Calls to KHL are free and I've always found that you have abit more privacy because not many people use them anymore.
I hope everything goes well for you and that you get the support and care you deserve.
Re: no solution?
Hey there midnightsun, i just wanted to chime in and encourage you that yr on a good path to be here and talking to us about the thoughts of suicide that you have been having. I hope that talking to us here makes you feel a little less alone in the world. You are not alone.
Keep talking to us and keep processing and we can all work on different ideas on what might help you through.
I also wanted to say that if you have problems getting through to KHL or headspace - there is a service called Suicide Call Back and they are usually available and is staffed by trained professionals who are ready to talk or webchat. And also, if you are still having thoughts of suicide, perhaps could make your own safety plan to keep yourself safe - this factsheet tells you how to do it.
We've got lots of personal stories too - of people who have made it through dark times.. Have a read of
Remember, we're hoping that talking to us here makes you feel a little less alone - you are not alone in this world!
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