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"Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

I'm meant to be going out tomorrow night with some people at work, to like a cocktail bar.


I really don't "go out" much (read: ever) so I only have 'wear around home' clothes and 'work' clothes. I consider my gender to be transmasculine but have not told anyone, and people see me as female.

I also SUCK at clothes shopping. I can hardly bring myself to go into any stores to buy clothes since it always feels like the shop assistants are watching my every move. When I do get into a store, I stand like 2 metres away from any clothing and look at it like it's a wild animal that's going to attack. And when I eventually get up close, I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at. "Ah yes, I see this shirt is red. Red is a colour. This shirt also has two sleeves. They would come in handy, as I have two arms." Forget about trying on the clothing, since the shop assistants guard the change rooms.


I had half planned what I wanted to wear to tomorrow's night thing, but uber failed at trying to get it from the shops. The things I did get, I couldn't try on in the shops so 1 thing doesn't fit right. I certainly didn't leave myself enough time to check if it looks like something a human would wear, or if I'll look more like an alien who has come to earth and has just discovered clothing. The clothing I bought is quite thick, so I'm going to be all hot and sweaty.


And to top things off on the clothing-side, I have misplaced my binder. If I don't find it tonight, I won't be wearing it tomorrow night, and therefore who knows what in all hell I will be wearing. 


I probably will also have to go directly from work, since someone organised a late meeting. So now I get to carry whatever clothes I end up deciding in my backpack as I ride either the bus or my bike (weather pending) - good luck to any shirts that may have wanted to remain uncreased.


I am so over this before it's even started.


Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

hey @Bay52VU going out can be pretty stressful...I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. Did you find something you feel comfortable in? Also for future times when you need to find clothes - are there any shops you feel a little bit more comfortable in? I know I feel more comfortable or at home shopping at op-shops or vintage shops than I do in regular shops Smiley Happy

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

@May_ I eventually found my binder so that's a start but haven't been able to try anything on cause I need a shower first and it's a pretty intense storm so would be kinda dangerous to have said shower. So I still dunno.

Nah there's not really any stores that are better than others. Department stores like kmart and target are slightly easier cause they're bigger and you end up with more people for the shop assistants to focus on. I need a reasonable population density within the store though cause target/kmart with 0 people = just as bad if there's an assistant anywhere even slightly nearby.

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

Hey @Bay52VU
ah the joys of finding an outfit, I wonder if you have ever seen the clothes site Surfstitch? it's a favourite of mine as has an awesome range, masculine/feminine/anything in between, and what I love the most is it's free express shipping and free returns, you just print the slip and get your money back or you can afterpay and not even pay unless you keep something. it's the best completely avoiding the whole shopping stresses. of course it's not good unless your a couple days before the night and prepared but def keep in mind for next time. & try imagine the shop assistants in their geekiest pajamas, sometimes they're the judgiest and worst in the world but every now and then you'll find a gem that genuinely wants you to leave happy. General Pants Co have some of the best i've come across 👌🏼 good luck!

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

Thanks @Alicat that might be an idea for next time.


I wish it was just about the clothes though. This whole thing is super complicated.

People who are going = all females. Mmmmkay.

What we're doing = sitting around talking? Cause I'm so fucking amazing at doing that. I especially love it when there's a conversation on either side of me and I can't distinguish words from one from the other so even if I had something to say, I can't follow either of the convos.

Weather = probably raining if not storm. WTF do you do with an umbrella when you're out? Do you just accept that it will be stolen by someone else? HOW am I going to take an appropriately sized umbrella to work on my bicycle? If it's storming, is it even worth trying to go?

Transport = thanks to the late meeting I have to go straight from work. Do I ask people if they're going straight from work and if they can give me a lift? I only sort of know how to get there via 2 public transport routes. If I'm going straight from work, the best route isn't one that I know.

Clothing logistics = if I'm going straight from work, I have to carry everything in my bag. Will it even fit? How squashed/creased is everything going to be? Then I have to leave my other stuff at work overnight, which will make it difficult to get ready for work the next day.


Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

that does sound complicated! everything you just listed shows pretty regular worries that everyone has before going to an event/going out. but if you interpret these worries it gets distressing doesn't it?
i think you've already answered a lot of your questions, totally ask someone if their also heading straight from work, i'm sure they'd be more than happy to.
avoiding creases is sort of an easy fix, iron and then fold and place in a tightly wrapped plastic bag. one of my mums good fixes.
do you generally like the conversations with these people when you're at work? are they fun/make you laugh?
you were invited and i'm sure they would love you to be there. sometimes when i stress what other people think about me and look within myself and how i think about other people. most of the time, everyone is so caught up in the way they think they look they don't even have a second thought about anyone else's clothes. i dunno, it's just something i remind myself when i'm out and start to feel anxious and it seems to be grounding. is there any thoughts like that you can write down so when you go you can ground your worries too?
& at the end of the day, if it's stormy and miserable and you can't get a lift there, just miss it! explain why and everyone will understand. there will be another night out when everything lines up better Smiley Happy

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

I totally understand where you're coming from in regard to the change room thing @Bay52VU! I was shopping yesterday and honestly the shop assistants were so judgemental and didn't even greet me to begin with. Then I went to another store and had a much better experience! I hate the time taken to try things on as well, so I understand the frustration on ill-fitted garments. I hope you have/will find something to wear Smiley Happy

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

@Bay52VU let us know how you go Smiley Happy

Maybe next time the group goes out you could suggest something you would find a bit more fun than sitting and talking?

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

Ugh lost my reply.
Thanks guys. Even though the clothes are locked in, I'm not gonna ask anyone for a lift, and I don't have a favourable history with hanging out with groups of women so I'm not expecting much out of tonight tbh.

Re: "Going Out" and clothes and gender expression and stuff

I know what you mean @Bay52VU, I hope you enjoy yourself Smiley Happy Going out with other people can be tough, hopefully the weather isn't bad! Smiley Happy