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self harm help

I don't know how to fight the urges anymore. All my usual coping strategies just aren't working. I also have little motivation to stay safe atm anyway.
I know I can't keep self harming, but it's been a coping strategy for so long that I don't know what else to do. For the last year and a half I've really been trying to quit, but I feel like I've gotten no where, I still self harm and the urges are no less. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about doing it. I want to give up on recovery because it's not working.
And as most of you know I'm always in and out of hospital for my mental health and suicidal ideation. It's taking its toll. Going to hospital isn't making me better, just worse. And the worst part is I want to die but can't (too many failed suicide attempts), and I don't want to hurt the ones I love.
Anyway I just don't know what else to do. Self harm is seeming the only option now.
redhead
redheadPosted 29-09-2014 05:35 PM

Comments

 
kelli
kelliPosted 30-05-2015 10:17 AM
@redhead I can tell you are a very sweet caring person, and even though you may be overwhelmed with triggers and urges, you still came to the forum for help, kudos to you!!! I was in the same scenario about a year ago, to help me recover I wore rubber bands so when ever I got an urge I could snap it on my wrist, or I would hold and ice cube in my hand and let the water run down my arm, you could also draw lines and if you wanted to or you could write things your grateful for or everyone you love on your arm also, just know that you're worth it (: and you WILL make it through this battle, and when your recovered you can share your wisdom and experiences to help others cope (:
 
HiddenWisteria
HiddenWisteriaPosted 24-05-2015 07:30 PM

Hey! I thought I'd just say that you're strong, and the fact that you're trying to stop self harming is a great start.

My way of coping is making little origami paper stars. I put them in a jar, and when I fill the jar up, I empty it into a box and start again. I have a huge pile of paper strips on my desk, and whenever I get an urge to self harm I make stars until it goes away. Obviously there is no coping mechanism that is 100% ffective at making you stop, but this really helps me.

If you don't know how to make them, I learnt from this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDDvYwb-D44 (Nothing really happens until about 0.55, so I would probably skip to there.)

 

Hope this helps! xx

 
redhead
redheadPosted 10-10-2014 08:43 AM
@Sophie-RO thanks for the read, it was good.

@ElleBelle my record is 12 weeks.


And thanks guys. I'm hoping I can pick myself back up...
 
ElleBelle
ElleBellePosted 09-10-2014 08:24 PM

@redhead I just wanted to chime in with some support. You made it six weeks - was that a new record? You deserve kindness from yourself because you didn't fail. A relapse isn't a reflection of your strength, your courage or your self-worth.

 
redhead
redheadPosted 09-10-2014 09:56 AM
I feel bad, I've been self harming again. It's been pretty bad. I can't stop. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry. I can't be strong anymore.
 
 
Sophie-RO
Sophie-ROPosted 09-10-2014 07:01 PM

Hey @redhead

!t's ok that you self harmed again and it doesn't mean you can't stop. You've done such an amazing thing to stop for the period of time that you did stop and honestly - relapses happen.


You mentioned you feel bad and like you are not strong. You may have feelings that you have “failed” or that you are ashamed or angry at yourself for resorting back to the behavior you so desperately wanted to leave behind. Whilst those feelings may be understandable, they do not reflect reality. You do not deserve to feel ashamed or angry at yourself because you have tried your absolute best - and that is all you or anyone else can ask of you. You have shown courage and determination, and for that, you deserve to feel proud.

Did you know that some experts believe that relapsing is actually a necessary and important part of the recovery process, as each time we relapse, we have the opportunity to learn more about our triggers and how to deal with them in a healthier way? Although it is unfortunate that you have relapsed, try to view it an an opportunity to learn more about yourself and to move even further ahead with your healing.

 

I'd really love for you to read this:
http://www.pandys.org/articles/relapsing.pdf

Please read it and let me know what you think.... Having lived without self-harm for a period of time (whether a day, a week, a month, or 10 years), you will have learnt ways to cope and live life without self-harming. So please don't think you are "back at square one". There is nothing you can do which could cause this learning to be unlearnt!

You are now starting with more knowledge than you had when you stopped self-harming for the first time, or the second time…or however many times you have stopped in the past.

 
redhead
redheadPosted 04-10-2014 05:54 PM
I'm going ok I guess.

Had to spend the other night in emergency department because I got so triggered. Tbh I don't know how I managed to stay safe. But the words if my therapist stuck in my mind which was 'id rather see you in DEM before you self harm then in there afterwards'
It's been a hard last few days. But I'm staying safe. And I've had followup from the mental health team over the weekend.


@stonepixie. Thanks for the advice on therapy, I'll talk to my psychologist about how triggering the sessions have been.
They have also been thinking about having planned admissions into hospital following my therapy sessions to keep me safe so I have a supported environment to process what comes up in therapy.

Anyway thanks everyone fir your comments and feedback. I really appreciate it.
 
 
Lex
LexPosted 04-10-2014 08:14 PM

@redhead wrote:
Had to spend the other night in emergency department because I got so triggered. Tbh I don't know how I managed to stay safe. But the words if my therapist stuck in my mind which was 'id rather see you in DEM before you self harm then in there afterwards'
It's been a hard last few days. But I'm staying safe. And I've had followup from the mental health team over the weekend.

I'm super impressed by this,  @redhead . It takes a lot of courage, determination and fortitude to follow through like this and you've done really well. You should be really proud of yourself. 🙂

 
redhead
redheadPosted 01-10-2014 09:40 PM
I won't be able to see my casemanager again until some time next week.

And I don't really know what triggered me about therapy, the whole session was pretty tough. It's also still really nee to me, we have only had 5 sessions now.
I''ve been hanging out out with the staff all evening to keep safe. I promised my therapist I would stat safe tonight. My therapist is also going to call me in the morning.

@lanejane thanks fir the suggestions.
 
 
blithe
blithePosted 03-10-2014 08:28 PM

Thinking of you, @redhead.

 

blithe

 
 
 
stonepixie
stonepixiePosted 04-10-2014 03:45 AM
Thinking of you @redhead

You are so strong! Remember that you control your sessions and therapists like to hear feedback whether it is good or bad. I had a particularly triggering session about a month or 2 ago. I told her about it, in which she was very grateful to hear and it helped her make sure that I am getting the most out of my sessions without being destroyed afterwards and not being able to function.

When all my coping methods failed me and I started self-harming again, I spoke to my psychologist, in which she suggested that I should focus on my art. The point of me telling you that is that you have previously mentioned somewhere in the forums that you enjoy art. Have you thought about using your art as an escape? Or by putting your thoughts into art form or even poems?

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

*hugs*
 
 
 
 
lanejane
lanejanePosted 04-10-2014 12:02 PM

hey @redhead 

 

how are you going?

 
ElleBelle
ElleBellePosted 01-10-2014 07:54 PM

Hey @redhead - just checking in to see if you're safe. Do you know what it was about your therapy session that triggered you? If you can identify it, it might help to bring it up next time so you can work through it.

 
redhead
redheadPosted 01-10-2014 05:26 PM
I didn't get much time with my casemanager today, she was running an hour late then I had to rush off to therapy.


Therapy was really hard today and I'm really triggered now.
 
 
hartley_
hartley_Posted 01-10-2014 07:38 PM

That sucks @redhead that you didnt get much time with your casemanager

Could you maybe book another appointment in for the next few days?

 

Will you call KHL if you need to tonight?

 
 
lanejane
lanejanePosted 01-10-2014 05:42 PM

hey @redhead 

 

i'm sorry to hear you didn't get much time with your case manager. it's really good you have been calling kids helpline. do they help? maybe you could call them now if you're feeling like there has been lots of triggers tooday.

 

i've googled some alternatives for self harm and am wondering if any of the below might help you (if you don't feel up to calling kids helpline)...

 

  • draw lines with on yourself paint, nail polish, lipstick (if the marker technique hasn't been working)
  • scribble on a piece of paper until the whole page is black
  • go outside and break sticks
  • write your feelings on paper then rip up the paper as many time as you can
  • splash your face with cold water
  • make a bracelet out duct tape, and put a line on it every day (or hour) you go without self harm. when it's full of lines, take it off and make a chain out of all the bracelets and hang it up somewhere where you can be reminded of your great progress

we are all here for you.

 
redhead
redheadPosted 01-10-2014 11:44 AM
Thanks guys.


I'm seeing my casemanager today and I'm going to talk to her about what's going on. I'm really nervous but I can't keep going on like this.

Drawing with red pen/felt tip marker sometimes works, but lately nothing has really been helping. But saying that I haven't self harmed yet, even thiiugh it's been extremely difficult.

I've been calling up kids help line or going to the staff where I live a lot over the last few days.
 
 
hartley_
hartley_Posted 01-10-2014 02:06 PM

hey @redhead awesome to hear you are making use of the people around you when you need it!

It is hard talking to people about things sometimes but as you said, its probably better than going on and being unhappy!

Let us know how you go 🙂

 
hartley_
hartley_Posted 29-09-2014 11:46 PM

hey @redhead im sorry to hear your feeling like giving up on recovery

I suppose like many things, recovery can go up and down, hit bumps, make great progress and also take a few dives. It can also teeter along seemingly unchanging which is so frustrating

It may be hard to see how far you have come on your recovery journey.. do you keep a diary or write things down/draw?

It could be good to help you track your progress, sometimes when your on the inside (and particularly when things are on the downhill) its hard to see how its any different from before you even attempted recovery, maybe a diary could shed some light on even the little things that you have accomplished

 

Do you still have a case manager? (i think i read in your previous posts, sorry not sure if thats the title you used.. but generally someone who helps you out with these things is what i mean)

Can you explain to them that hospital is doing more harm than good? Maybe there are alternatives you guys could try?

 

Please, as others have said, if you feel you need to, call Lifeline or Suicide call back service

Take care

 
Bee
BeePosted 29-09-2014 11:40 PM
Hi @redhead
As I've said in the past you are a huge inspiration for me, it's not just your courage to ask for help like this, but the strength you display in each post.
As said above, the previous users have given you some really great information and resources to tap into, but I wanted to share my thoughts. Reading your post I began to think about the times within the last month or so where I've thought about SH, each time there was an underlying emotion causing me to think that way, is this similar for you? eg can you pinpoint a specific emotion that makes you want to harm when you do? I'm thinking along the cause and effect principles. eg something happens and you feel angry, instead of taking that anger out with harm, maybe you can find an alternative, for example kickboxing or going for a run? And adjust the strategy to relate to what emotion you're feeling, or complete a strategy which may help you lead into the emotion you want. Eg if you're feeling angry and want to feel calm, do a meditation or something you enjoy.

I hope my explanation was clear and made sense and that it helps in some form.
You're incredibly strong @redhead never forget that.
I think I'll quote one of my teachers from a couple years ago "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for" 🙂
 
lanejane
lanejanePosted 29-09-2014 07:55 PM

hey @redhead 

 

it looks like some of the others have already posted some great tips, but i just wanted to add my support. dealing with suicidal thoughts and urges can be so draining but the fact that you are coming on here to talk it through shows how strong you are. we are all thinking of you and are here for you.

 

what coping strategies have you used in the past? have you ever tried holding ice blocks in your hand? it's not a traditional "coping" mechanism but can be helpful with urges to self harm i've heard. there's others too like drawing red lines with a texter instead of self harming, or drawing pictures into a piece of wood (it takes more energy than just drawing on paper - it's a physical task).

 

if you're into reading there's also a book called "hello cruel world: 101 alternatives to sucide for teens, freaks and other outlaws". it's by kate bornstein. i will admit it's a bit outside the box, but i know people who have read it and found it useful. it's got a list of alternative ways to get you through the day.

 

if you're feel unsafe please call suicide callback service though. it might be good to have someone there to help you go through your thoughts.

 

 
ruenhonx
ruenhonxPosted 29-09-2014 07:22 PM
Hey @redhead
Even though you have these urges and you struggle with them you are still fighting and it takes a strong person to keep trying and pushing to get better and that gives me hope for you.

Have you spoken to a counsellor about what you are going through? Maybe you could find out the reason behind your self harming and also find other methods of coping that work for you?

Stay strong and keep fighting. Don't get knocked down by negative thoughts, beat them and I know you can.
 
Sophie-RO
Sophie-ROPosted 29-09-2014 05:58 PM

Hey @redhead - have you ever heard of Bodies Under Siege (BUS)? It's a pretty amazing community for people who are wanting to stop self harm. There are hundreds of people on there who have successfully ended self harm and found other ways to cope. We have heaps of resources on ReachOut too (please browse through and read them all) and I'm sure there are people here who can offer you lots of support and ideas here- but the BUS community is worldwide and can offer you some genuine hope because there are just so many people with experiences of ending self harm to share.. I'll post the URL here so long as you promise to stay a RO.com community member too! 😉 http://buslist.org/phpBB/

 
Myvo
MyvoPosted 29-09-2014 05:44 PM

Hey @redhead 

 

I can see that you're frustrated that your usual copiing methods aren't working as well. But although you may feel like giving up, there's surely a reason why you're here on the forums. It seems that you're still fighting against it, which goes to show that you are insightful, strong and aware of what you're experiencing. We're here to support you and to help, so whatever you feel like talking about - just let it all out. 

 

How about going for a walk outside and try a breathing exercise or relaxation training? Or instead of self-harm, you could draw on your skin with a felt-tip marker? This way, you could turn this into something creative Smiley Happy 

 

If you're feeling that the hospital isn't helping you at all in recovery, could you speak with a doctor, nurse, psychologist or counsellor in finding out other ways to support you? 

 

Stay strong and let us know how you go~

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