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something's definitely wrong.

i don't know, honestly.

i'm thinking too much and not at all.

i'm going to pour it all out here, because there's too much to say that it wouldn't be able to fit into a proper paragraph.

 

i hate myself so much.

i screw everything up. i always say or do the wrong thing. 

and at times i'll just feel myself bubbling up with such nervous energy for no reason at all, and soon i'm suffocating over the weight of doing something so simple, like presenting in class.

no, i'm not overreacting when i say i can't breathe.

do you know that feeling, when you miss a step on the stairs?

it's like that. but it doesn't end.

and then you feel like youre spiralling out of control.

time slows down, and you feel like you're watching the world through a screen, or a movie..like you're not there.

but your heartbeat speeds up.

 

but there are other times, when you feel so awful about yourself.

"i screwed up. i did this wrong, i did that. i should've done this. what if this happened? im such a failiure. i don't have people who actually care about me. they're just tolerating me. im such an idiot. i should be happy.

why aren't i happy?"

i ask myself that over and over and over again. i have so many things to be happy about, so why aren't i?

i just can't.

it's like, i'm drowning.

and im there, yelling and screaming and kicking, trying to grab on to something--anything...a hand.

but they can't see me drowning.

 

and finally, it's when you can't feel anything at all.

i can be happy. i can laugh. and cry.

but it's like the emotions aren't really registering in my head.

it's an act; my laugh, smiles.

i don't feel anything. and that scares me, a lot.

numb.

 

i've come to realize that the people i know in my real, personal life don't make me happy.

i have to rely on singers, bands, youtubers, people on the internet.

they truly, make me happy.

but the fact that they're the only ones that do make me sad.

 

and just when i think i can't take it anymore,

i cant, i cant, i cant do this anymore.

i tell myself,

one more day.

just one more.

but i don't want to have to tell myself that.

i want to wake up and be happy to be alive.

Re: something's definitely wrong.

@eloquent your words, as always, are so profound and illustrate the depth of pain you are struggling with. Thank you for sharing. It is very important to us on RO because there will always be someone reading your words who doesn't yet have the strength to speak up, so thank you again for sharing your writing gift with us. Did you ever get to check out OK2Talk like @ElleBelle suggested?

 

Something you mentioned in your post, that sounds like it's a recent change for you, is that you have 'come to realize that the people i know in my real, personal life don't make me happy.' Sometimes the people around us no longer make us happy but it also takes a lot of emotional intelligence to be able to realise and acknowledge this. Now that you have realised this, are there any steps you could take to find others that do make you happy? Is there a meetup group, social club or sports team you could join? Have you ever heard of the thinking that no matter how unusual our interests, there is always someone somewhere who is into the same things as us? It is often just a matter of finding them. Smiley Happy If you haven't already, I would suggest taking a look at RO's article: My only friends are online.

 

Take a look and let us know what you think.

Re: something's definitely wrong.

@Kit As I am in the Gifted program at school, I likely won't be able to find any new ones. The way it works in my school is that there is one Gifted class per grade, and you stick with them until the end. I've known all my friends since 2nd grade and don't have any classes with others (or the courage.)
Being in such a program makes school tough, adding on violin lessons every week. So that rules out any sort of club. Plus, I'm pretty apathetic about that.
That's why I rely on friends on the Internet, because it's so much easier. I'll check out the article now.

I should mention how absolutely terrified I am of making new friends. I'll probably screw up. I already worry about messing up with my current friends.

Re: something's definitely wrong.

Hi @eloquent, thanks for sharing what your going through on the RO forums.

 

It certainly sounds like you feel as if everything is out of your control, and sometimes this is presenting itself in physical ways (like having a racing heart and zoning out etc...) I'm also really sorry to hear how your mind is constantly telling you negative things. It can be really overwhelming and exhausting when your mind keeps playing these cruel games with you, I hope you can find some relief in a hobby or by doing something to take the focus from inside of your head to the things around you. Do you believe these thoughts? And do you have a hobby or any coping strategies that you like to do?

 

I know that you mentioned how being in a gifted class at school can be limiting in terms of making new friends, but I'd like to congratulating you on how well you must be doing to achieve being in this gifted class. You should be so proud of yourself for achieving something like this. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back. 

 

How do you think you'd go trying to make friends with people you've never met before? You could find an opportunity to do this outside of school through a club or group in an activity you like to do. I find it hard to make new friends sometimes too and this year, I'm going out of my way to join a Yoga Club at my UNI to hangout with like minded people Smiley Happy Even though we probably won't talk heaps, we all will be in the same room doing something we enjoy, and make small talk with eachother, which is a great first step in the "making friends game".

Keep us posted,

Lahna

Re: something's definitely wrong.

@Lanhna I do believe the things my head tells me. I'll try to convince myself it isn't true, but I think it is and have to reason to believe otherwise.
I use writing and drawing to distract myself, or read a book or listen to music. Or I'll drown myself in schoolwork.
I've expressed apathy in joining a club, and I don't think I'd fit in anyhow.
I have great friends, but I don't think I'm good enough for them. Sometimes I don't think i fit in with the "group". I'm the fourth wheel. And they can be homophobic at times so it makes me nervous about possibly coming out to them. But I don't even know my sexuality yet, so why bother?
All the clubs at school requI red registration at the beginning of the year, so it's too late.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Re: something's definitely wrong.

Hey @eloquent, it sounds like you have a handle on a variety of coping skills that work for you. Remind me, do you have anyone that you talk to about your concerns with fitting in? A GP or psychologist, or any family that you are comfortable opening up to?

Re: something's definitely wrong.

Did you also see RO's fact sheet on making friends? There are some tips in there that can be applied to existing friendships as well as when forging new ones.

Re: something's definitely wrong.

Hey @eloquent,

 

When you have a really aweful thought about things you could try asking yourself these questions:

 

- Is there another way of viewing this?

- How would I think about this if I was feeling more positive?

- What would I think about this in a weeks/a months/a years time?

- What would someone else say about this? How might someone I respect view this?

- Is there any evidence for this thought? Is my thinking biased in any way? 

- Can I find anything that contradicts this thought? What am I missing?

 

I used to use this exercise all the time when I noticed I was having a negative thought. It comes more naturally to me now. It just helps to break the cycle before we get drowned in our thoughts and begin to believe that it's all real. I hope it helps you.

 

What year are you in at school? Is there anything outside of school which might interest you? 

 

You will get through this, keep trying. We are all here to support you and help you through what is such a tricky time for you.

 

Keep us posted,

 

Lahna