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thoughts about self injury

The thoughts keep coming back, whether I act on them or not. Sometimes it's easy to dismiss them, sometimes it's not. It's been YEARS. What the fuck is wrong with my brain...

 

I don't want to feel bad and I know that self harming will just make me feel worse but at least being hurt would be a reason to not feel good, and it's supposed to keep me in check... Like if I do it, it's punishment for letting the thought/emotion get to me (ie for being weak), and it's supposed to be proof to myself that I'm stronger than stupid feelings. I feel like the only way I can prove to myself that my will is stronger than my feelings is to do it. Sometimes I can tell myself that that's silly, but sometimes I can't.

 

I can't talk to anyone else about this. It's been going on for long enough that I've used up all my chances, and I just have to keep myself to myself now and grow up.

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: thoughts about self injury

@Bay52VU just because it's been years doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Self harm is a coping mechanism. People use it for all sorts of reasons. Doing so doesn't mean your weak, pathetic, stupid etc.
Is there something self soothing you could do. Instead of punishing yourself could you let yourself sooth yourself and let yourself know that it's to feel the way you do and not punish yourself for it. (im not very good at explaining this, but instead of doing something negative try something positive to turn it around)
It's something I'm still learning like when I want to punish myself for a feeling or event I say no, would I do that to my friend and then treat myself to my favourite music or tv show or something else soothing to try to turn that around.
And I also try to remember that it's also ok to slip up. I don't need to punish myself more for self harming, I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time.

I hope my nonsense helps. try to remember that people care about you and want to see feeling better. It's ok to reach out for help. Sometimes we feel like we've exhausted our options when we haven't. There are people willing to help. And there are always services like khl, lifeline and suicide call back service which are phone or msg away.

Keep safe
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: thoughts about self injury

Hey @Bay52VU - my question instead is wow, what is going on that amazing brain that you've been self-harm free for years. Shows your strength, you should be so proud. Self harm is coping mechanism so if you are struggling at the moment, thoughts of self harm might come back as it has helped you cope before (just like RH said)

She's given you some awesome thoughts and has a great perspective on this, and you can also call any of the helplines to talk it through as well. Of course there are resources on self out that might help you focus on other, less destructive, ways of coping.

My thoughts? Keep talking to us about it and don't be too hard on yourself.

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

Re: thoughts about self injury

Thanks @redhead

I'm not sure how self soothing would be any different to just how I generally spend my free time. I guess the difference is doing it consciously when I know I'm feeling negative... Is that what you meant?

 

@Sophie-RO I should clarify that it's been a few years since I've used one particular form of self harm (which is the one that is stuck in my head at the moment), although have done less serious things which were slightly different... So it's not really quite as big of a deal as it sounds. But I guess it's still something.

 

I don't really know how to talk about stuff until it gets bad. And even then I dunno what to say. Plus by that point no one wants to hear it or they can't help. I recently turned 25 so now I'm super old and need to get off here soon too.

____________________#iftoastershadfeelings____________________

Re: thoughts about self injury

Hey @Bay52VU, I just want to start by saying we'll always be here to offer our support and listen, so please don't think no one wants to hear about what you're going through or how you're feeling. We genuinely do care about you and want to be here for you.

 

I can't speak for @redhead, but to me, making the conscious effort to do something soothing, even if it's something you do regularly in your spare time, when you're feeling negative sounds like a good way to actively try to counter your self harm thoughts.

 

What are some of your coping strategies that you find most effective at the moment? Do you think there's a way to improve them? Maybe doing them more often or routinely could help keep your self harm thoughts at bay before they build up.

Re: thoughts about self injury

Hey @Bay52VU

 

First of all well done for having the courage to come on here. I was so nervous when I first started on the forums at RO, so I know how much strength it takes. Coming on here shows that you want to find a more positive way to cope, and that's awesome!

I was also having thoughts of self-harm a couple of years ago. Some of the strategies I've learnt myself and from a counsellor are to first try and exhaust your positive coping strategies. I would basically go through a list I'd made of positive ways to cope, until I was starting to feel ok. There were times when I'd let things escalate and the list would fly out the window, but one positive step forward, no matter how small is so amazing. It's ok to make mistakes and don't be hard on yourself when things don't always go to plan.  

 

Stay safe and keep in touch.

Re: thoughts about self injury

Hi @Bay52VU please do not worry about needing to leave just because you have turned 25. You are an important part of our community and as long as you feel supported here you are welcome. 

 

Thank you for talking about things with us now, it can be hard to do it 'early' but you are doing it now and that is all that matters.

 

How have you gone over the last few days?

 

What do you think of what @KiKi_19 was saying and @moonwalk asking about in regards to coping stratergies?

Have you got a list written out of all the things you like to do that you find soothing?

It can be hard to remember them when you are feeling low!!  Would having a physical list help you?

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||

Re: thoughts about self injury

I am continually impressed by you @Bay52VU, the work you do for others on the forum, and having the strength here to put up your hand and say things aren't feeling right. I would like to echo all the words above and reinforce that you can be kind to yourself to manage these thoughts. I am sure you have already spent time trying to understand the thoughts and feelings that lead you to SH, would you consider trying a different way to process these thoughts? Perhaps you could write a story or play with watercolour paint.

 

Your thoughts on self soothing (i.e. doing it consciously when feeling negative) is right on the money. Doing the things with the greatest potential for uplifting your mood help and personally I feel like the ones you don't get to do very often are best – it's even more of a treat! So how about starting a list of all the things that you super like doing, that make you feel like a pig in mud? Smiley Very Happy Of course they can be things you do in your free time or things you've done only twice last year or never. Whatever puts a spring in your step. What do you think?