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trigger

this is gonna sound stupid.
there's a date that's coming up that's a really big trigger for me and I'm scared. lately I've been looking for an excuse to attempt suicide because I just want to die and this will give me that.
the date was never really that significant until three years ago when I put myself in a coma. On that day since then I've attempted because I can't stand the fact that I woke up. it was the scariest moment of life waking up when I wished I was dead. I later found out that I did in fact die but was revived. I am so angry at myself for that night, not because I attempted but because I survived.
I am filled with so much regret over the last five years because of all the times I survived or reached out for help. it's not fair. why am I here. why do I have to live in so much pain when great people die.

I know I have people that care and people that would be devastated when I go but I don't really care. and I know have plans for my future, but they don't matter. my life sucks and I hate being crazy. I need this to end. I need to die

I'm sorry if this breaches guidelines. delete it if you need to. it's stupid. it doesn't matter.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: trigger

Hey @redhead

 

Thank you for sharing with us. 

 

To begin with, you matter to us and your dreams, hopes and the progress that you've made over the years matter immensely too. For as long as you've been with us, we've been with you through all the ups and downs of you reaching out for help. Your life and how you choose to live it can't be compared to those who are 'great' or who you may think may be more deserving of a life. 

 

Triggers can be remarkably difficult to cope with at times, so it's not a stupid thing when a person, a certain date, or an activity affects you negatively. 

 

What're you up to right now and are you safe? 

___________________________________________________
Stay excellent

Re: trigger

Thanks for sharing with us how you feel @redhead.

@Myvo has pretty much said everything, but I wanted to add that although you wish you were dead, all those times that you have reached out for help tells me that there is still a part of you that wants to live.

Have you made any plans for keeping safe as the date draws nearer?

My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: trigger

Hey @redhead, thanks for sharing this with us.

 

I think everything I wanted to say has already been said, but I wanted to concur with the fact that dealing with a triggering date can be really difficult, and it doesn't have any impact on who you are as a person - it just means that the date is of significance to you and reminds you of something painful or difficult. 

 

How are you feeling at the moment? And as @stonepixie asked have you thought about what you could do to keep yourself safe as the date approaches?

Highlighted

Re: trigger

Hey @redhead,

 

What a difficult thing to have to go through every year. I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling with this triggering date.

 

It doesn't sound stupid at all either. Do you feel pleased that every one around you wants you to be here? 

 

Here to help,

 

Lahna

Re: trigger

I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I really do care about you, @redhead, in fact, I think it is safe to say that we all care about you here at ReachOut. I hope you understand just how much you mean to this community of ours.

I personally have learnt so much from your struggles and triumphs. You are truly resilient and deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

Triggers are tough to deal with, but I believe that you are tougher.

My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: trigger

Hey @redhead,

 

I am so glad that you know there are people who care about you and I am so glad that you do make plans for your future. Do remember that the anticipation of an anniversary is often worse than the actual day.

 

Some of the strategies you've been using recently are really important to keep up as the anniversary approaches. Like spending time with your friends – draw strength from them and let them know how you're doing. You've been navigating this anniversary for three years now and I'm sure you've already been through all the emotions and the tactics, but it doesn't hurt to remind yourself there are ways to deal with anniversaries.

 

There is a lot of pain in your post but the thing that struck me was when you said 'why do I have to live in so much pain when great people die'. There is no doubt that you are in an extraordinary amount of pain and no one can say otherwise, but in that sentence I hear a comparison of one life over another, an implication that one life could have more value than another...Smiley Frustrated I like to think all life is precious and all life should be valued, and I hope that you will one day feel you are worth valuing too. I guess when we say we care about you we are really trying to say we value you.

Re: trigger

Hi @redhead, it sounds like you're really feeling a lot of pain, anger, and frustration.  I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this.  You're very strong and you can get through it, and you have all of these (^^) people behind you and who value you. It's upsetting to hear that you don't care that we care, but we are behind you nonetheless.  What's your plan to get through it?  (Don't forget you can call Lifeline (13 11 14) or other crisis services)

 

@Kit posted some really good self help sheets, and I'd like to add creating your own safe plan.  In the 'reasons for living' part perhaps you could add how much the ReachOut community value your input and care about your wellbeing?  Kit also made a really great point about comparisons and that your life is just as important as others'.  I'd like to add that life can be unfair, and great people can die, but great people can also survive and life can have a lot of good in it too. 

 

Hope you're okay and let us know how you're going

Re: trigger

Thanks everyone. I don't know what to say to you all.



The thing is I really don't want to survive this date. I'm sorry.
I know all of you care (and it really does mean a lot to me) but I have to die.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: trigger

"I know you only know me on here but I want the best for you and I consider you my friend. I care." - Redhead

 


"Dear redhead
Please hang in there. I know how hard it's been for you but you can't give up. I know you want to and tried. To, but your worth more than this."

 

"Hey redhead

I'm writing to say I'm proud of. Even though it doesn't feel like it your doing really well. I know this last month has been so rough, but your still fighting. You rock. You don't know how awesome you are. Your getting help instead of resorting to self harm and other negative coping strategies, your opening up to people and letting your mask come down when it needs too, your finally doing the right things
I want to encourage to keep going even though you want to die. You've been like this before and can beat it again. Believe in yourself, trust your supports, breathe, stay strong.

Me"
 
You know how strong you can be and you never have to die.  You feel like you have to but you don't.  We all believe you can make it through and if you read the above quotes that proves you have it in you to make it through as well.
 
Can you make arrangements with mates to hang out and keep you distracted or do you have any strategies that you can think about giving a go?