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um.....

so i feel very weird the eating issues are still a big issue but..... i feel very weird i have most certainly taken on more work than i can handle but like at the moment it is ok but still idk anyway that isnt the point the point is i feel very intense and not good or bad but just intense i have been doing a lot but also i am like not going to sleep until somewhere between 4am-7am and i mean i am not tired exactly i am not feeling like i need to sleep per say i am trying to but idk it is weird also i have been doing a lot of um well things i dont normally do... like writing to minsters and perhaps a few other things oh and everything feels very intense like sounds smells tastes touch everything looks bright although that could be from other factors oh and i keep getting these waves of intense sadness but then  they go away again and i feel very magical and like kind of powerful in a way and also i actually never mind i cant be bothered explaining what i was going to it would take too long. but anyway things are weird and idk if this is a bad thing or an ok thing and i should just ride the wave.... 

Re: um.....

Ok. That was intense.
I don't actually know how to help...
I'm here to listen, if you can explain a little more clearly on what's going on?

Re: um.....

Hey @Eden1717  It sounds like you've got a lot going on at the moment. Do you think it would be okay to talk about one thing at a time? Maybe we can focus on your sleeping first? What do you think? 

Re: um.....

Hi @Eden1717 sounds like things are very intense right now Heart Have you had this feeling before? What do you think could be causing you to feel this way?

I’m also wondering whether you’re seeing anyone soon, like a psychologist or doctor, because they might be able to support you with this, especially the sleeping Smiley Happy 

Re: um.....

@xXLexi_Lou122Xx @Libellule @DruidChild  sorry i didn't realise i had talked about so many different things. anyway i am not seeing any professionals in the next month so not likely that i will get any external help with any of this soon. I dont even know what to do i keep having these mini crashes but then back up again i havent slept before 4am for weeks now and sometimes it is even later than that. but i am still getting up at 8am ish most days and i am doing a lot physically and studying a lot. i go all day before i eat or drink but then it still only does so much to quieten my mind i know i should be sleeping but i just cant even if i feel physically tired my head wont stop. i am trying hard to do everything i need to but everything is kind of a mess. not like a mess but like a literal mess like unorganized i dont know how to explain it. i mean it is nearly 2am now and i am still up. everything still feels intense and i keep doing all these things which i didnt plan and i am scared i am taking on too much but i cant turn back now and i feel restless all the time i am not sure what to do. but i know deep down there isnt anything i can do not anymore i have gone through all my options. i just have to put up with it. 

Re: um.....

Hi @Eden1717,

I can hear just how hard things have been for you, but I can also see from this post the incredible persistence and bravery you take into every day. Even when the day is long and you are having very little sleep, you are still getting up at the same time and staying busy- that is a huge step Heart

You mentioned that while your sleep has been limited, you have been really busy with study during the day. What are you studying at the moment? On days when you are busier, does it help at all with the sleeping?
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Re: um.....

Wow @Eden1717 it sounds like you’re working really really hard! I can really see how much effort you’re putting into coping and studying right now. Are you enjoying your course? How do you feel about ‘putting up’ with these feelings for now? Heart

If it becomes unmanageable or you keep having trouble sleeping, it could be an option to contact your supports and ask to see someone sooner than a month. Alternately you can always drop in to a medical centre and see a GP there. 

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Re: um.....

@Jess1-RO @DruidChild  the studies are interesting and i like the courses i am doing 4 courses mostly like social arts courses and language courses. 

 

I dont feel good about putting up with it i feel frustrated and annoyed but i dont have a choice the same way someone with cerebral palsy cant just fix the way their brain sends signals to their muscles. yes it is exhausting and it is horrible but it is that or you just dont exist at all anymore you cant get rid of it while you are still alive. and in my case i dont even have the option to leave anymore. but it is worse if they force me back on meds and keep me locked up so i have to look like i am fine or they hurt me again. i cry a lot about everything that happened and nothing takes that pain away or makes it any better all it does is give me this weird type of energy this frantic feeling like i am constantly in survival mode constantly running trying to stay and few steps ahead of the tiger running after me never able to stop and never able to rest. just running and running until they finally get me. this is not how anyone should have to live but i know many do in some form or another. surviving but not living just trying to make it through the day. i have accepted that this is my reality but it doesnt make it hurt less.  

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Wow @Eden1717, that is great. You must be busy doing all of those courses. How long have you been interested in social arts and language? How long are you studying for and how long have you already been studying for? That is really amazing Heart What do you hope to do at the end of it?

Re: um.....

@Taylor-RO  I havent really been sure how to reply to you.... i understand there was no bad intention but i found your reply really invalidating and kind of upsetting. it basically ignored everything i had posted about and it felt like what i had posted about was not important or should be ignored. it is like someone telling you they are severely injured and you saying oh look over there a bird. like it changes the subject and makes the person feel as though their injury is not a priority and also that clearly they have bothered you by asking for your help. not to mention they are still badly injured and looking at a bird wont do anything to help them even if the injury cant be fixed it would be nice for it to at least be acknowledged that they are in a lot of pain. 

 

as for today i have been very unsettled and really hyped up and i cant seem to do any of my studies and i feel really weird and i didnt sleep last night and ugh everything is getting messy i dont even know what to do anymore.