cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

when your heart doesnt stop hurting

So guys I'm kinda super new to this so sorry if I dont do this right or whatever..

Idek what to say other than legit my heart is always hurting, it feels like there is a gaping hole in my heart. I cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about everything that is wrong with me and a really confusing/difficult/hurtful/depressing situation in my life (It involves me finding a guy but I dont date because of religious and family reasons, he is an amazing guy, we have so much chemistry, like I pretty much saw him and fell straight away, it's like I saw right through him and saw him straight away? And he really cares about me in that way too but I cant be with him. I really dont want to hurt him again as I have told him it cant happen so many times but our relationship just keeps getting more intense- not sexually tho. My parents dont allow me to date so when they found out I was kinda with him mum kinda kicked me out for a few days and I lived with my dad cause my parents split up a few years ago.. I have been banned from talking to him which sucks so much cause he is my best friend, my soulmate maybe.. I know he will wait for me but Im not worth that.. I want him to be over me and be just besties, I dont want him to hurt more than he already has. I dont know whether to say I want in or I dont because I just cant and legit I know he will just get hurt again because of that but idk.. :/ ) So yeah I have no idea what to do and Im tired. so tired. Im tired of hurting others, Im tired of pretending Im okay(It's actually insane how much I pretend, people think im happy all the time, Im one of those 'bubbly chicks' when Im with people because well they dont need to worry bout me and I HATE feeling weak but when Im by myself all I do is cry and hate on myself..), tired of being disappointed in myself, tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I am, tired of having little sleep cause of the crying, tired of others being disappointed in me and so so tired of always hurting. The amount of times I have wanted to just die but Im scared of that cause im scared of hell.. I just want the hurt to end ya know? But I know it's not worth it and all that.. I guess. I feel like im just being dramatic and it's probs nothing compared to what everyone else here is going through but idk I just need to talk to someone, I need someone to care and not judge so here I am:/

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

@dontstopmenow The first thing I thought after reading your post was that it's totally NOT dramatic and that matters of the heart can hurt more than anything else. So sounds like you're in a bit of an impossible situation? You're respecting your parents wishes and the rules there but you feel like you've met your soulmate. I couldn't think of a worse kind of heart ache. When you feel this way it can be like a disease of the mind, all you can do is think about that person and with it comes the pain and longing. I can relate to what you're talking about (the pain) but from different circumstances entirely. The best advice I was given was that the feeling would not last forever (I didn't believe that at the time of course) and to watch the feeling. That can be really hard when you're in so much pain but if you can do that, it somehow help....I don't know why? Maybe because you're a tiny bit removed...anyway as you can guess, the feeling did go away eventually. So I'm simply talking about what to do about the FEELING. As to the circumstances, like I said, it's super tricky. It's perhaps a day by day thing to see what unfolds. Sounds like a really special connection with such good feelings and ironically such pain not having that connection freely expressed. 

 

I know you said that you have felt so low that you've wanted to die but wouldn't because you're scared. My advice is to make sure you speak up (and continue to anyway) if that does get worse. Let someone know.  I hope you know that you're not weak and that dealing with this takes a lot of energy and strength to survive it. Well that's my perspective anyway. Thanks for sharing this I think a lot of people could relate and might have some other perspectives to share. 

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Hey @dontstopmenow, welcome to ReachOut! You've chosen the perfect place to talk about this Smiley Happy. I can hear your heart hurting in your post. That's horrible that your mum kicked you out because of your best friend (your best friend sounds amazing by the way Smiley Happy). How does it feel now living with your dad? Have you considered reaching out to him for support regarding this? Here for you, you seem like a nice person <3

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Thank you so much. What you replied with really sums it all up, it means so much that you understood. The few people that I have talked to haven't understood and I have just felt so lonely as well as everything that happened. I guess the words impossible situation really meant a lot to me because well, I have been trying to fix everything and make everyone happy from both sides and it just is impossible I guess. Someone else putting that in words just took pressure off of me and I really appreciate that. thankyou so much.

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Hi! ThanksSmiley Happy
I am really grateful for this place and for all the people in it, everyone has been so supportive.
Yeah, it really hurt. I just recently moved back in with my mum but I am struggling to talk to her about anything because she has mental illnesses of her own and it would hurt her if I told her how I really was.. She's a really great person but has a very strict set of rules. It kinda was a relief living with dad for a bit, he didnt push me to talk about anything but I knew he was there for me. Idk how to talk to him about how I really feel because he, like my mum, has those set of rules. And I dont want to let them down more than I already have?idk..
My best friend is legit amazing. He's been so supportive and I love him for being him, he just makes me feel safe. We can talk about anything with each other, but now that we arent allowed to talk at all it really hurts and I miss him so much...
You seem really nice too, thanks for being here <3

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Hi @dontstopmenow this sounds like a very difficult and painful situation that you're in. It sounds like you love your parents and your friend very much, and you don't want to hurt anybody. Being torn between people you love must be incredibly difficult. Why do you think both your parents have such strict rules? 

 

I'm very glad you have found RO to be a supportive place to open up. We're always here to listen about anything you're feeling Smiley Happy 

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Hey @dontstopmenow, I just wanted to quickly check in and see how you're going at the moment. Like @Libellule has previously mentioned, we are here to listen to anything you have to say <3
Highlighted

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

I think it's because of our religion. Also they messed up their marriage by doing things they must see that Im doing, though I dont now what they are... 

Thankyou so much, I really appreciate your reply Smiley Happy

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Thanks so much for checking in Smiley Happy 

I'm still hurting.. Like a lot. This situation sucks so much and I cant help but cry myself to sleep.. I hate feeling weak and vunerable but mostly I hate that I dont have a choice. Whatever I do is going to hurt someone. I dont know what I'm going to do when I see him again, I'm worried I'll just break down. I need some sort of release from the hurt, do you have any ideas? :/

Re: when your heart doesnt stop hurting

Hey @dontstopmenow, it sounds like a really difficult place for you to be in right now. You sound like you are really heartbroken and stuck. It really depends on what is helpful for you because everyone is different, although I would suggest turning the negatives of the situation into some positives. I understand it may feel impossible and the decision is hurtful... but if the situation cannot be changed then it may help to accept and reframe some of your feelings to save yourself from ongoing hurt. For example, you said he would wait for you and that you can still be great friends. These are positives although the situation is not what you had hoped for. What do you think? Heart