Moving forward without support
During my last hospital admission, I was in a situation where miscommunication between my psychiatrists, my mum, and I meant that I ended up having to tell her that I'm trans. She didn't take it super well. I know that she loves me and just wants what is best for me. She and I have still have had a good relationship since then, but she will not openly talk about gender and if I bring it up she gets defensive.
I don't want to deal with this on top of everything else. I want to change my name, research hormones, change my gender presentation and be out with everybody. But...instead I've pretty much promised I won't pursue medical transition for a few years, and I'm too scared to come out to other people in my family or to start a legal name change etc.
I NEED to move forward to be myself, but I don't know how. Does anyone have any advice either on pursuing transitioning without family support, or on ways to affirm your gender while still in the closet? Thanks guys 🙂
Comments
@DruidChild I'm also a nonbinary/trans person though I'm not out to my family and I'm partially aligned with my assigned gender
I'm sorry to hear that your mom isn't being supportive..it sounds like she is making you feel guilty over issues you definitely shouldn't be feeling bad or guilty over. You are in a really difficult situation and you deserve parents and a family who are with you every step of the way and helping you become the person you want to be. Even if older people don't understand things like gender and sexuality as well it is really unfair and hurtful for your mother to treat you like this and it is not okay. You are not being whiny or bratty for being justifiably upset and I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I don't know where you are based in Australia but there are organisations that provide resources and support groups for LGBT kids like YGender and such; it might be helpful to look up local branches and see how they can help. It's also a really good way to connect to other kids and feel like you're not alone in going through this.
This might seem silly but have you also thought about making a tumblr and following some trans positivity blogs? Tumblr is another really good way of finding other people in the same situation as you; that's actually how I learnt I was nonbinary myself! For example transkids4transkids is a blog specifically made for trans folks to find each other. Advicefortranskids also has a lot of tips for affirming your gender and coping.
Hey everyone, I'm sorry for not replying sooner, I've been having a rough time and just didn't feel up to logging on. Thanks heaps for all your support 
@DirtWitch I really appreciate hearing from another trans/non binary person! 🙂 Thank you for the insight, it helps to know other people understand what it's like.
It's not silly at all, starting a tumblr was actually one of the first things I did when I realised I was trans! But I hadn't seen those blogs before and they sound really helpful, I'll check them out today.
@Sophie-RO Thank you for contact info. 🙂 I really appreciate knowing about the services available.
@lokifish @Chessca_H Thank you for checking in! I haven't contacted twenty10 yet but a few of the social events they have look pretty interesting. I'm feeling a lot more connected with my friends and they've been an amazing support. I went out with one of them last night and she introduced me to all her friends as, "this is my friend, [chosen name]!"
I'm trying to deal with a lot of doubt about this stuff right now. People constantly misgendering and not listening to me makes me feel pretty low and makes we wonder if I'm actually just cisgender and making stuff up, like everybody else seems to believe. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed in the morning - what's the point, if I have to be around people who treat me as my assigned gender?
It's also been a bad eating week, which doesn't help. Constant bingeing and daily purging is not fun at all 😕
Hey @DruidChild, I really hate to hear about the misgendering you've been experiencing from the people around you, disrespecting someone's identity is never okay.
Is the misgendering the main thing that's causing you to doubt? If that is the case, I'd just want to stress that when it comes to your gender, you're the one who gets to figure out your identity and not anyone else. How you feel is the most important thing 🙂
How have you been going food wise in the last few days?
Ooh thanks heaps for the links @roseisnotaplant!! YouTube is such an awesome resource 🙂
@Chessca_H yep it's pretty much just the misgendering. My mum has been trying hard lately which is really kind of her.
Hey @DruidChild, are you in NSW? If so I'd love for you to contact Twenty10 - they can really help with all that you have described above... They have lots of experience supporting young trans* people whose parents are not supportive.
Please contact them by phone, email or in person (you can just show up during drop in)
info@twenty10.org.au
Phone
Metro Support: 02 8594 9555
Rural freecall: 1800 65 2010
Drop In
Level 1, 45 Chippen Street, Chippendale
3:00pm – 6:00pm Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday (not Wednesday)).
I just wish people accepted all gender identities/didn't care because it's none of their business who we define ourselves at.
I just want to say we are here for you and want you to be safe.
Thanks @redhead and @Ben-RO. I'm sorry I haven't replied or been active on the forums. I'm lonely and hysterical and I don't know how to help anybody right now. I thought I'd made friends who accepted me for who I am but they're far away and none of them is talking to me right now so I feel empty. I wish I could stop disappearing - I wish I existed.
I am safe, I'm not planning on killing myself although the thought is tempting.
Hey @DruidChild, I'm sorry you're feeling so cut off from your friends right now, that sounds like a jarring experience. I'm really glad you've been keeping yourself safe and managing to push past the temptation to end your life, that's an amazing show of strength in the face of a hard time 🙂
I was just wondering how you've been doing over the last week?
I'm glad that your mum is alright with your choice, although it sucks that she won't talk about it with you.
I don't really know much about transitioning but have you tried talking to QLife?
Thank you @N1ghtW1ng I have tried QLife, thank you for the suggestion! The below rant is not aimed at you btw - I just need to get a few things out! 
My mum is sad about it all, she's not listening to me and she said some pretty hurtful things. She's saying 'I love you and yeah I want you to get better but just so you know your way of getting better harms your whole family.'
Which yeah I get is fair enough and I know, I know I need to be patient and understanding with her because how could I possibly expect her to know how to deal with this I just. Want. Someone to say to her: this isn't about you, help your kid.
I'm selfish and unreasonable and I know logically that I'm lucky, that I have a parent who lets me cut my hair short and dress how I want and who accepts that I'm bi, I know other people have it way worse. But I feel like I have to get this identity out of me so I can be the perfect eldest daughter again. I left the dr crying today because if one more person used my fucking birth name I would kms right then but I'm too scared to change it because 'it means so much to my parents.' I want to damage my body every day but apparently hormones are too big a step. I want to tell my whole family who I am but I'm too scared of their reactions now. What if my dad kicks me out? Every time I hug my grandfather I don't know if this will be the last time because maybe he'll never speak to me again if I tell him. What if my sister thinks I'm betraying her?
I don't want to be dramatic or complain that my life is terrible and I'm sorry for being such a whiny little brat. But I'm scared and it hurts and I want to die in this body.
I don't think you're being a whiny brat @DruidChild the things you're wresting with are HUGE, incredibly stressful and painful. To have such a huge need to be who you are and to have that challenged, rejected and even just ignored by your own family is so, so tough :(. You have every right to be upset and in pain right now, even if i hope that over time we can lessen it.
I took your last sentence to mean that being in the body the way it is right now makes you feel like not being alive and that's how important and crucial it is for you to change right now. But i want to check (because we always do) were you also talking about wanting to end your life?
That's tough @DruidChild. It's neat that you two still have a good relationship, but it sounds tricky moving forward, hey. If medical transition options and a legal name change aren't on the cards atm, are there other things you could do to lessen your dysphoria and make you feel more like you? Not sure what that would look like, but it's something to think about. Also here are some resources (well, YouTube channels. Same thing :P) that you may have already heard of, but might be helpful
