Of course! But firstly I wanted to start off by saying that feeling a bit insecure about your relationship from time to time is really normal, especially in the early stages when you're still figuring things out. It's usually nothing to be concerned over, especially if it doesn't consume you. But sometimes those little worries can snowball into something bigger and start to take over your thoughts, creeping into your everyday life.

Relationship anxiety can show up in so many different ways. For me, it looked like constantly fearing that my partner might cheat on me or leave me for someone else, even though I trusted them and had no real reason to think otherwise.

These thoughts could pop up out of the blue or in situations where I felt triggered, and quickly turn into a full-blown panic. It can be really painful to have these doubts about someone I care deeply for, and it can make me feel like we are completely against each other, rather than a team.

What were some of the signs or symptoms of relationship anxiety that you experienced?

I found myself constantly worrying about my partner's behaviour or reading into their words, and often caught myself making up stories in my head, which would then lead to a spiral of negative thoughts. I'd find myself searching for evidence to support these made-up scenarios, or seeking reassurance that everything was okay in unhelpful ways, which always left me feeling like the relationship was doomed before anything had actually happened.

I’d also experience all the typical symptoms of anxiety - like the racing heart and nauseousness. Often the anxiety would disrupt my sleep, leaving me feeling even more drained and on edge.

Ultimately, the anxiety would leave me feeling disconnected to my partner and not feeling my usual self at all. 

Were there specific triggers or situations that tended to exacerbate your anxiety in relationships?

For some, there might not be a clear indicator of where the relationship anxiety has stemmed from, while for others, past experiences can help make sense of the anxiety coming up in your relationship.

For me, my experience of being cheated on in a past relationship helped me make sense of why I might have been more prone to relationship anxiety in my current relationship. A big part of managing my relationship anxiety has involved working through the pain of that past betrayal.

As for triggers, having my partner go away or go out without me would leave me feeling on edge and trigger some of those thoughts of cheating or finding someone else. Sometimes even arguments could be triggering. Despite being fully aware that all healthy relationships have arguments, sometimes arguments would leave me worrying about the future of our relationship.

What were some of the biggest challenges you faced while dealing with relationship anxiety?

One of the biggest challenges I faced while dealing with relationship anxiety was navigating the shame associated with the thoughts I was experiencing. I think there is a huge stigma surrounding women in heterosexual relationships - that we can be high-maintenance or overly jealous. This societal narrative, that I most certainly internalised, became a barrier for me in seeking support from my partner, or anyone for that matter, out of fear of being labelled a ‘crazy’ girlfriend. It also made me feel like a terrible partner for thinking such things, which only exacerbated my anxiety. 

I also grappled with the challenge of stopping myself from sabotaging myself or the relationship due to my anxiety. I think it's a natural instinct to seek reassurance in anxiety-inducing situations, but I had to learn to resist acting on my impulses in unhelpful ways. This required a lot of self-awareness and effort to manage my emotions constructively. 

Did you seek support or professional help for your anxiety? If so, what was that experience like?

Absolutely. Talking to my psychologist about my relationship anxiety was a total game-change for me. Up until then, I carried a lot of shame and even felt like I was somehow broken. My psych played a huge role in breaking down those barriers, helping me to see that I was not broken at all, and helped me understand that what I was experiencing was entirely normal in romantic relationships, especially considering my past experience with cheating. 

Therapy was also really helpful for understanding more generally why anxiety comes up in relationships and how or why it manifests. Plus, it equipped me with some practical strategies to help regain control over my thoughts and prevent the anxiety from spiralling out of control. 

Can you talk about any coping mechanisms or strategies you found helpful in managing your relationship anxiety?

One of the best coping mechanisms I've found for managing my relationship anxiety is giving it a name and acknowledging it whenever those anxious thoughts pop up. For example, I'll say to myself, 'Oh, it's just my relationship anxiety voice again, hello! You can take a backseat today, thanks!'. This helps me separate my anxious thoughts from my rational, calm self. Once I acknowledge it, I pretty much just carry on with my day, ignoring it like a pesky background noise.

Another biggie for me is open communication with my partner. Instead of letting my anxiety brew inside me, which always leads to a downward spiral, I began to let my partner know what's bothering me. I won't lie, it was tough in the beginning, trying to overcome the shame I felt around the anxiety. But I gave it a shot, and just putting it out there to my partner made a huge difference. Saying it out loud (or texting it) helped me realise how irrational my thoughts were. Plus, it gave my partner a chance to reassure me and validate my feelings.

Sometimes it can be really difficult to overcome the feelings of shame to be open with your partner. For this, my therapist suggested adding a bit of humour when sharing my anxiety with my partner, and it totally worked. I would say something like, 'Oh, my silly old anxiety voice is at it again, telling me you secretly want to leave me.' It lightened the mood and helped me feel less embarrassed about it.

Another strategy I found helpful was not giving into my anxious impulses. Like I mentioned before, when that relationship anxiety kicks in, I used to go into overdrive searching for reassurance. But now, I've learned to act on my feelings in more helpful ways. Instead of spiralling, I’ll try to distract myself with stuff I enjoy. I'll reach out to my mum or best friend for a venting session, or dive into an activity I enjoy. After a while, the anxiety usually eases off and I find myself in a better headspace to chat with my partner.

How do you prioritise self-care and maintain a healthy sense of self-worth while managing relationship anxiety?

I think of keeping up with self-care and feeling good about myself as super important aspects of my life whether I'm dealing with relationship anxiety or not.

It’s really important to remember that in a relationship, there’s you, there’s your partner, and then there’s the awesome mix of both of you together. 

So, I make sure that I have my own groups of friends and hobbies I invest in, and a routine that is just mine. Then, my partner and I also have stuff we do together that we both enjoy. It’s all about feeling good about myself by doing my own thing while still being part of something special with my partner.

What advice would you give to young people who are currently struggling with relationship anxiety?

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, first off, know that you’re not the only one! It’s important to understand that it's totally normal and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

Relationships aren’t easy work, they are a constant work in progress - requiring ongoing effort and commitment from both people. Nobody’s perfect, not you, not your partner. So, instead of bottling up your feelings, I want you to give being open and honest with your partner a go. You’ll be surprised how much relief you can find when you let your guard down and allow your partner to support you through it. And if you’re still hesitant, don’t hesitate to seek support from a professional. I did, and it made a world of difference! 

And don't forget about yourself! I can’t stress this enough - invest in your own identity and self-worth. You're a whole person with or without a relationship, so make sure you're taking care of number one: you.