Without further ado, let's get into Bella's story!

What’s your history with break ups? How have they affected you and your mental health in the past?

"In the last five years, I’ve had a few significant break ups. I’ve said goodbye to people who I thought would be in my life forever, and who I cared about deeply. 

In May 2021, my long-term partner broke up with me out of the blue. I was upset, confused, and angry all at once, and it took a huge toll on my mental health. This particular break up made me feel like I was a terrible person, and that there must be something wrong with me. It took me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that the person I was planning a life with was no longer going to be around. It was easily the lowest I’d ever felt, which catalysed the mental health journey that I’ve been on for about 15 months now."

In your opinion, what makes break ups so difficult?

"It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and open yourself up to another person. In my opinion, this is what makes relationships feel so special. 

It’s also what makes break ups so tough. It’s a really confronting experience to lose the person you’re closest to, particularly when it becomes part of your routine to see or speak to this person every day. When you no longer have that person in your life, inevitably there is going to be a huge space and sometimes that space can feel overwhelming. For me, a big part of moving forward was acknowledging this space, instead of trying to pretend like it wasn’t there and that I was okay."

What has helped you to get through relationship breakdowns in the past?

"As a seasoned break up survivor, here are my tips for getting through the tough times:

• Be honest with yourself and the people around you. Pretending like you’re okay doesn’t actually make you feel okay. 

• Reach out to friends and family. Romantic relationships aren’t the only kind of relationships that can make you feel happy, supported and fulfilled. 

• Do something kind for yourself. For me, this looked like taking long walks and doing a face mask, but it could be anything. Watch your favourite movie. Cook your favourite food. Go get a massage! You deserve it. 

• If you’re not okay, or if you are struggling to cope, speak up. After my last break up, I started going to therapy regularly. I still go every fortnight!"

What has helped you to rebuild your self-confidence after a break up?

"After my last break up, my self-confidence was at an all time low. 

For me, exercise played a huge part in rebuilding my self-confidence. I started going to group fitness classes, where I met some really wonderful people. In addition to the positive social interactions I was having in this new environment, it taught me to be kind to my body, and listen to what it needed (be it food, sleep, water). Once I learned how to be kind to my body, I was able to apply the same techniques to my mind, and really focused on positive self-talk. This is also something I worked on a lot with my therapist, who taught me some great strategies for how to reframe negative thoughts and self-chatter. 

In the words of the FABULOUS RuPaul, if you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else?"

I still have to see my ex at school/uni/work. How do I move on when I see them everywhere?

"This is so tough! My ex lives a few streets away from me, and I used to dread leaving the house in case I ran into them. 

Whenever I ran into my ex, I used to text my mum or my friends instead of texting them. I found it was helpful to verbalise how I was feeling, in particular how hard it was to see them, so that it wasn’t just rolling around my head. This often opened up a larger conversation about how I was coping overall, and kept my friends and family in the loop. 

There’s no quick fix to this one - it’s bound to sting a little (or a lot), especially in the beginning. But remember, it will get better with time."

My ex treated me badly. How do I move forward when I’m still so angry at them?

"Forgiveness.

I know, I know. Not what you wanted to hear. But, holding onto your anger is only going to make one person feel bad. Spoiler alert: it’s you.

Even if you’re not ready to forgive your ex yet for how they treated you, that’s okay. You can start by practising self-compassion. Repeat after me:  It’s okay that this relationship didn’t work out. It’s not a reflection on me as a person. We just weren’t the right fit for each other, and that’s okay."

I’ve been through so many break ups. Is there something wrong with me?

"Absolutely not. Following your heart is something to be proud of, even if it doesn’t always work out. 

Dating is not only about getting to know people. It’s also about getting to know what you want and what you need out of a relationship. By going through the motions of learning about what we need and what we want, we’re able to figure out what our boundaries are."

How do you learn to love your life when you’re single?

"‘What does a good life look like to you?’ 

Someone asked me this question a few days after my break up, and I didn’t know the answer. It’s daunting, but also exciting to find out who you are again outside of a relationship. 

It’s normal to feel lost after a break up. It’s likely that you’ve got more free time on your hands, and that you probably don’t know what to do with yourself just yet. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing, though. This could be an opportunity to try all those things that you’ve always wanted to do, but never really had the time to try. Or to connect with that old friend who you’re constantly playing phone tag with. Or to take a breather, and spend some time learning how to be happy on your own again. 

Disclaimer: loving your life again won’t happen overnight. Just because you go to your first yoga class, or have dinner with your childhood best friend, doesn’t mean that you’re going to feel like your best self right away. There will be good days, and there will also be really crappy days. Discovering who you are and what makes you happy is a long journey, but it’s one that it so worth it."

I’ve lost hope after my break up that I’ll find someone to spend my life with. How did you open yourself back up to finding a relationship after heartbreak?

"It’s okay to feel like this after a break up. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it’s a really really normal feeling!

I’d suggest giving yourself a time out from dating. Give your heart the time it needs to heal. There will still be plenty of fish in the dating pond when you feel ready to dip your toe in again. It was only after I’d spent the time getting to know myself again and filling my life with the things that really made me happy that I felt like I was open to the idea of sharing my happiness with someone else."

If you could give one piece of advice about navigating relationships and braving a break up, what would it be?

"Let yourself feel what you need to feel: sadness, anger or confusion. Just know that you won’t feel this way forever - it’s going to get better!"