Iona's Experience

To start off with, tell us a little bit about yourself.

"Hello! I’m Iona, my pronouns are they/them and I work at ReachOut as a Moderator and Online Volunteer Coordinator 👋🏻 It’s funny being asked about what my passions are as someone with ADHD because that can change on a very regular basis depending on my current hyperfocus 😅 But something I’m always passionate about it social justice, getting out in nature, and cuddles with my pup. Talking of which! This is Falkor, he’s 4 years old now and a big gentle giant 💗"

When did you first receive your ADHD diagnosis? Was it a surprise or something you had been expecting for some time?

"My diagnosis has definitely been a long journey. Mental health is something I’ve struggled with from a very young age, but I first talked to a professional about it when I was at uni. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and tried combinations of different medications, psychologists and other supports for over a decade without finding anything that really worked for me. Therapy did definitely make a difference, but it always felt like something else was the cause of my struggles, I just didn’t know what it was. Fast forward to 2020, and like a lot of us, I jumped onto TikTok to distract me from lockdowns! Before long the algorithm worked its magic and I was deep into ADHDtok. I had always thought ADHD meant someone was always hyper and full of energy, so as someone who’s pretty introverted and loves naps, it never even crossed my mind as something I might relate to! But watching videos of women and AFAB people sharing their experiences of ADHD, doing my own research & realising ADHD is so much more complex than it’s been portrayed in the past, it finally clicked! The process of getting a diagnosis was a stressful and expensive one, but definitely worth it. There’s been anger, grief, confusion and more since getting the diagnosis, but 2 years on from finally finding that missing piece of my puzzle I can really see how much it’s changed my life for the better."

Don't mind me just sliding into the discussion! I'm currently trialing meds for ADHD at the moment and still not quite sure if I have it but my gosh do I identify with the frequent changing hobbies/passions! I too would do anything for Falkor, having only just seen this pic of him! 😅

Hey @Lost_Space_Explorer5 - sorry it took me a while to respond, I've been away for a couple of weeks! How are the meds going for you so far? 

I'm glad you can relate to the neverending changing hobbies! What's your current one? I got back into drawing again last week - I think it's already starting to wear off again though 😂

Awww, Falkor appreciates all the love! He's currently curled up and snoozing next to me but sends you a big virtual dog hug! 🥰

That's all good @Iona_RO 🙂 I am not so good at responding myself! The last hobby, which seems to have lasted a whole 3 days, was me getting back into chess again, but it is too difficult so I'm losing interest

With the medication it's really hard to tell. I think it helps a bit with focusing on uni?

Naww hugs back for Falkor!

I would do literally anything for Falkor 😍 such a cutie 

Outside of work and study, how does ADHD affect you in your everyday life?

"A lot of the time work or study becomes my hyperfocus, and although there are still definitely parts of those things I find difficult because of my ADHD, I can push through them most of the time. It is actually the everyday life stuff that I can really struggle with more than anything. Feeding myself is a big one for me. From forgetting to shop ahead, not realising that I’m hungry because I’m too focused on something else, being to overwhelmed and overstimulated to be able to choose what to eat, to not having the executive function to make myself cook something, not being able to cope with certain food textures and trying not to give into the dopamine fix of eating takeaway every night - it’s one of the daily things I’m still working on to improve for myself. "

Do your friends know that you have ADHD? What impact does it have on your friendships?

"Interestingly, a lot of my friends have also realised that they are neurodivergent too! I think we were all subconsciously attracted to each other’s brains and how we all see the world in a similar way, which I think is really beautiful 🙂  It has really been amazing to have friends that understand me, why I am the way I am and do the things I do, without having to feel ashamed or guilty. Having a support network that just ‘gets it’ has been a massive part of accepting myself and my neurodivergence."

Sometimes ADHD can make communicating a little more difficult. Some people struggle not to zone out during conversations, while others find it tough not to interrupt others before they’re finished speaking. Does ADHD affect the way you communicate?

"I definitely find it tough not to interrupt before others have finished speaking! Sometimes because my brain has already jumped ahead and figured out what the person is going to say. Sometimes because my brain has already come up with a whole bunch of things to add because I’m excited about what they’re saying. Sometimes because my brain struggles to hold onto all the thoughts I’m having and I feel I need to say them before I forget. And sometimes all of the above all at once! I don’t tend to zone out very often, but I do find it really difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying if there’s background noise, or other people talking, or lots of other sensory things happening all at once. There’s a scene in one of the new Heartbreak High episodes that shows this really well!"

You’re on a first date, and you’re feeling a bit nervous and excited. Do strong emotions like anxiety make your ADHD more pronounced?

"I think for me, the anxiety comes afterwards. ADHD means I tend to overshare and might say things others find weird or go on a whole other tangent. I can also be very passionate and firm in my thinking about topics relating to social justice and politics, which some people can find frustrating! So once the date is over I can end up overthinking and worrying if anything I said was seen as ‘too much’ or something my date didn’t like. I have learnt to get much better at this though, and strongly believe that if anyone doesn’t like me and my neurodivergent self then they’re the ones missing out 😘"

When you’re dating someone new, when do you usually tell them that you have ADHD? How do they normally respond?

"Well, much like subconsciously attracting friends who are also neurodivergent, I tend to do this with dates too! So that makes it much easier to bring up in conversation. However, I did have a bad experience once where I hadn’t told my date yet that I had ADHD and she started badmouthing her ex because of their ADHD traits. Safe to say I ended the date pretty promptly after that! But I think as ADHD is being talked about more and people have more awareness, it feels much safer to let people know without fear of being judged."

Are there any types of dates that are particularly difficult for you to get through?

"I think like I mentioned before, I struggle in busy places with lots of people, noise and lights. So a quieter environment where I can really focus on what my date is saying without distraction or sensory overload is the best for me."

Some people with ADHD get hyperfixated on certain topics or interests. When you’re dating someone, do you find that you become hyperfixated on that person?

"A big yes to this one for me! I find having a crush on someone to be the most stressful thing EVER. Those first stages of dating someone where everything is new & exciting means my brain can get pretty obsessive and I can find myself really struggling to think about anything else. I end up over-analysing everything they say, how long they take to respond to my messages, everything they post on their social media, get totally carried away imagining a million different scenarios with them - it’s exhausting and I really hate it. It makes me feel very not in control, which in turn makes me feel very anxious. When this happens I try to get out of my head by focusing on spending time with friends to distract me, getting outside and in amongst some nature to feel more grounded, and writing my thoughts out to be able to take a step back for a while."

What positives does ADHD bring to dating?

"If dating someone neurotypical - I think having ADHD can bring a lot of excitement and life to a relationship. Whether it’s spontaneous trips, or fun new hyperfixations to try together.

If dating someone else that’s also neurodivergent - I think that can make your connection even stronger. You have a deeper ability to understand each other and it’s easier to see things from each other’s perspectives. Body doubling, parallel play, being supportive of burnout, having hours long conversations about anything and everything & geeking out on each other’s current special interest - the best!"

Bre's Experience

To start off with, tell us a little bit about yourself.

"Hiya! I'm Bre my pronouns are she/her, and some of you will know that I've been an Online Community Moderator for almost four years. I'm an eternal student - at the moment I'm working towards my registration as a Creative Arts Therapist. However, every other week I entertain starting yet another course (at the moment I'm fantasising about becoming a photographer). I'm passionate about music, singing, dancing, theatre, history, travel, people, social justice, ancestry, and craft."

Here's a very happy snap of Bre's fur baby, Papaya.

When did you first receive your ADHD diagnosis? Was it a surprise or something you had been expecting for some time?

"I received my diagnosis in 2021, but I had been waiting for an appointment for quite some time. When it first came to my attention that I could have ADHD, it was a surprise because I had such a narrow idea of what ADHD is. 

The more I learnt and reflected on my experience at school and in life, the more surprising it became that I had gone so long without knowing this information about myself! 

The main emotion I felt was a relief to finally figure out what had been going on with me for my entire life. Many emotions came after that, like anger and grief."

Outside of work and study, how does ADHD affect you in your everyday life?

"ADHD affects every aspect of my life - how I interact with people, how I feel in a busy shopping centre, my eating habits, decision-making processes and, of course, my emotions. One way it’s affected my everyday life is that I’m constantly seeking new ideas, hobbies and interests. 

It’s not uncommon to catch me researching every aspect of a random topic (at the moment, it’s learning about the renaissance period and craftivism). There are countless ways my day-to-day is affected, but this is one I really enjoy."

Do your friends know that you have ADHD? What impact does it have on your friendships?

"They sure do! It was actually a friend who suggested that I might have ADHD, and I’ve made sure everybody on the face of the earth knows hahaha. 

The impact it has on my friendships depends on the individual relationship we share - for example when I catch up with a mate who has ADHD, we quickly end up talking about alllll of our deep thoughts and have to remind each other to take a breath because we’re so excited lmao - we also forget to message each other back so at times there are long breaks between catching up, but we’re okay with that! 

Some of my friendships went through a transitional phase because as I started to understand and accept my ADHD, I realised that a big part of my experience was (and still is) masking. I’m slowly feeling safer showing parts of myself that were hidden due to shame and embarrassment.

So, for example, it has meant that I’ve had to communicate with super punctual friends (I'm not) and let them know that if I’m late or flakey, it’s not because I don’t care - it’s just that I’m still learning how to keep track of time."

Sometimes ADHD can make communicating a little more difficult. Some people struggle not to zone out during conversations, while others find it tough not to interrupt others before they’re finished speaking. Does ADHD affect the way you communicate?

"I know I do both (interrupt or zone out). 

It depends on who I’m with and how comfortable I am. I find it challenging to navigate communication because I don’t want people to think I’m rude when I interrupt (it usually means I’m enjoying the conversation). Funnily enough, I  get upset if I’m interrupted because I can quickly lose my train of thought. 

It takes a lot of effort to stay engaged in small talk, but because I’m afraid of offending people, I push myself to show extra attention. So I’m still learning how to cope with all of that. One thing I’ll say is how exhausting it is to make sure I don’t slip into a daydream, so it often means I need a lot of downtime between socialising. Another thing is how liberating it is to have neurodivergent friends who understand the struggle and can interrupt/zone out with you haha."

When did you first tell your partner that you have ADHD? How did she respond when you told her?

"I’m so grateful my partner supported me through the whole process of diagnosis. The day I got my diagnosis, she drove me to my appointment and waited for me in the car. I remember her telling me how proud she was that I put all the pieces together on my own and figured it out. She was relieved that I had answers and proudly told her family and friends that I have ADHD and what that means. 

The experience taught me how important it is to have someone in your corner - be it a family member, friend or partner. There were a lot of self-doubts I felt pre-diagnosis - thoughts like “what if I’m just making all this up” but she helped me trust my instincts, and I’ll never forget how important she was (and still is) in my ADHD journey."

What’s it like living with someone when you have ADHD? Are there any chores or household activities that you find difficult? 

"I’m glad this question came up because it’s been a big learning experience for my partner and me. Washing clothes is and has always been the bane of my existence haha. I’m really good at putting the clothes in the washing machine and completely forgetting those clothes ever existed (until I want my favourite socks and realise they’ve been marinating in the washing machine lol). 

When recovering from social interactions, work, study and life generally, I find it especially difficult to get through chores. I often compare myself to my girlfriend, who can whizz through a million loads of washing, mop the house and walk the dog in the same amount of time it takes me to get dressed for the day. 

We’ve both learned that we bring different skills to the table in our relationship and that it’s essential to play to our strengths + designate chores accordingly. "

When you’re struggling with something because of your ADHD, how do you communicate this to your partner?

"There are many, many aspects of my experience that I never realised were connected to ADHD. So as I continue to learn about myself, I find it’s important to communicate it with my gf, so she has a better picture of what’s going on for me. 

When struggling with something because of my ADHD, I can stutter, go blank and lose my words quickly. In those moments, I need patience, and I often ask directly for what I need, like: “My mind is busy right now. Can you be patient and gentle with me as I make sense of them”. "

Does your partner ever get annoyed or frustrated by your ADHD symptoms?

"Getting frustrated or annoyed is part of every relationship, and ours is no different. But, before I go on, I want to be clear that there’s a difference between feeling frustrated/annoyed and taking that out on someone. 

As my girlfriend and I were learning about my ADHD, she sometimes got frustrated by my inattentive symptoms. But, after lots of open, compassionate communication, she’s found ways of expressing herself whilst also being sensitive to what’s going on for me.

Both of our feelings and experiences are valid!"

Some people with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, where they are highly sensitive to rejection from others and sometimes engage in people-pleasing behaviours to avoid rejection. Do you experience this? 

"Yep, I experience this, and I think a big part of the reason (for me anyway) is because walking through a world built for neurotypical people, unfortunately, means that there have been many experiences when I have been rejected. I’ve noticed a massive focus on the “perceived” rejection aspect of RSD on social media. Still, it’s important to call out just how challenging it is for neurodivergent people to navigate ableist institutions and systems. My school days played a huge role in this, and I’m still processing that. 

Self-compassion is a big part of my ADHD journey, and I’ve found it helpful to give myself the acceptance that I didn’t always get as a child, teen and adult. I’m learning that the more I show myself compassion, the better I can cope with feeling rejected - whether perceived or actual."

What kind of support does your partner give you with your ADHD? What kind of boundaries have you two set so that you both get what you need out of your relationship?

"When I was first diagnosed with ADHD, my partner took on a lot of responsibility to make life easier for me - and her way of doing that was to complete tasks that I struggle with. Although I appreciated that, I found it created tension over time and made me feel ashamed, so we spoke about it, and I expressed that I wanted to do things for myself and contribute. 

Even though she was trying to help, it wasn’t healthy for either of us. 

Another big thing is checking in with my gf energy levels when I want to talk to her endlessly about something that interests me. That conversation might look like, “Hey, I want to talk for three hours about the fall of Rome - are you up for that conversation right after work, or should we leave it  for Saturday morning when you’re feeling refreshed?” 

What positives does your ADHD bring to your relationship?

"I love this question because, if I’m honest, I tend to dwell on the challenges of my ADHD more than the positives - even though they definitely exist. It took me some time to get these positives down (and my gf actually helped with a lot of them). 

• We never run out of things to talk about because I’m constantly asking questions about my girlfriend's life, exploring her views on things and coming up with random things for us to discuss. I also don’t shy away from sharing my experiences and opinions with her. She often says she misses my “TED talks” when we’re apart. 

• I love learning about people's lives, so I remember many details about her life - important dates/anniversaries, favourite songs, core memories and more. She looks so happy when I remember those details. 

• I believe my ADHD has made me more open-minded and compassionate, and those qualities are enormous positives in my relationship. 

• When my girlfriend's mum got sick, I made it my mission to capture special moments and memories, becoming a tribute published by SBS. I wrote a poem for her funeral when her mum passed away. Hyperfocus mode really helped me do some meaningful things for her and her family at a hard time."