Hey guys,
For some reason I just feel the need to post this and ask for others' opinions and maybe how you deal with feeling the same..?
I'm not sure why but I've been watching some videos of people who are physically disabled and physically cannot engage in simple everyday tasks without difficulties, let alone going off on holidays or playing a sport or going to uni or getting a job or something. Like I'm a strong believer that anything is possible with a physical disability, as long as we can adapt the environment to meet their needs etc. then they can live a life just as full as an abled person. So in absolutely no way am I making out that they aren't capable or anything like that so I hope it doesn't come across like that. I'm just trying to say they have so many additional hurdles that we abled bodied people don't. Hope that makes sense? Idk. Anyway, I guess watching these videos and listening to some podcasts (if anyone is interested ListenAble is so amazing!!) is making me extremely guilty and feel like an absolute waste of space. Here these people are, physically disabled, yet still smashing it at life and just bloody kicking goals and inspiring so many people. It's so hard to put this into words but like I guess I just feel extremely ungrateful and like a complete pile of shit when I watch these videos or hear their stories because here I am with 4 fully functioning limbs, a functioning bowl, the ability to see and hear and all that jazz yet I find it so hard to get out of bed, to be happy, to engage in tasks that they would probably dream of being able to engage in with my ease. Idk. I just feel so worthless and guilty and ungrateful because physically I am so damn blessed and should be out there living life and kicking goals like so many others. Yet here I am, unable to drag myself out of bed, literally because my piece of shit head tells me I can't. Idk. Like yeah I get it, I also have 'illnesses' and shit but idk. I just don't feel worthy of anything and just feel like I shouldn't be like this and should be out living instead of wasting it. Like I feel like my life should be given to someone who is physically disabled and I should have theirs cause at least then they have the mental strength to go with the abled body and can actually make use of it? Ugh this is SO HARD to put into words because I also don't see physically disabled people any differently but I hope you kind of get what I'm trying to say here? I just feel like a complete waste of space and like someone else could benefit so much more from the opportunities and everyday 'luxeries' that I have. Idk.
I'm sorry this turned into quite the rant. I just hate myself so much and wish I could be different. I should be grateful for what I do have and be out there living but instead I have all these other hidden bullshit issues that are so pathetic and stop me from engaging in life. Idk. I'm just wondering if anyone else ever feels the same? I'm just sick of everything and being like this and just feel like a complete waste of space.
