(TW): I don’t even know anymore….
Okay, so I haven’t been on for a month or so now, but I really need to get this out.
I just got my report card back, and I am disgusted with what I got for English. I know I failed it, and I know why, but it still hurts. I got a C, which is a pass, but I need a B to get into general English for my career. I’m proud of myself for getting through HPE, Science, and Mathematics, but I am super disappointed in myself for not getting through English. English is my best subject, and that’s why I hate myself for it. I thought I had it in the bag, unlike my other subjects. And here I am, not going to get in to the course I want to, because of my stupid health and mental/emotional stability. If I had only dropped Health earlier, then maybe I would have gotten the grade I needed. But no, the school didn’t get me out of it in time. So I sat there, spiralling into the second biggest hole of my sorry life, and breaking down completely for days on end, because of that subject.
I had so many episodes, and then appointments when I was supposed to have my tutoring sessions with my teachers. If I had been able to go to those, instead of the appointments, then Maybe I wouldn’t be in this pit of self-loathing lions and snakes.
I tried so, so hard, and I failed. I couldn’t keep it together enough to pull through my semester, which just so happened to be my only shot at taking the path I wanted to take: Get an ATAR and get to uni as soon as possible. The cheapest, and quickest way to where I want to be. The way that was going to be less of a burden on my parents than anything.
Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I just get through school without doing all of this wrong? There really is no wonder I hate myself so much.
I’m so sorry to everyone I ever burdened with my health, mental and emotional health, and my plain existence… I never meant to be this way, or to end up being this big of a burden. I… I just want everything to go as planned.. I can’t stop crying, it’s that bad. I thought I had everything planned out completely, until my health became an issue and my mental and emotional health became a thing. My parents are fine with everything, but I can’t help but feel like I’m a burden. And to my friends and teachers too. I’m never the first preference to text or talk to at school, and my teachers say they care, but I feel like I’m just wasting their time too. I WANT to talk to a teacher about how I feel, but I just can’t. I feel like I’m wasting their time. The same goes for my leaders.
And it especially hurts when people don’t know how to text back. I send a group message to the youth group girls and leaders, to see if they want to hang out or something as a girl group, and no one responds to me at all. It’s basic etiquette to respond back, even if its privately, right? Cuz I don’t think I’m ever going to organise an event like that of that’s how people act. And I gave them plenty of time to respond, and no one did until I messaged them, myself.
I don’t want to be here anymore… I’m so done with how I burden everyone… And how I just end up wasting time and money for people who don’t even care… Why can’t I just fade into a dimension where I belong, and people want me around, and my problems were never a thing? …Maybe it would be better…
I am safe, I won’t do anything, but I feel so low, sad, depressed, exhausted, and fed up with how everything is.
Why can’t I just be normal? Maybe then I’d feel okay again… Oh well…