Hey @DruidChild , I wanted to jump in here and say hey because I personally identify as a lesbian and I can definitely relate to all of the feelings you're expressing at the moment. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, because I know that it really doesn't feel good.
I spent around 4 or so years trying to work out my identity before I decided on the label of 'lesbian' as the thing that best described me. Something that helped me was to recognise that no one gets to tell you what your label can be. I've always had a big question mark over how I feel towards men, and I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I will never really understand if I'm attracted to them or not. What I do know is that I only want to be with women. I want to spend my life with a woman and only have relationships with women, so for me, that's why I've chosen to label myself as a lesbian and that's what makes me a lesbian.
I can definitely relate to that feeling of having wanted attention from certain guys and having some 'man crushes' that I feel kind of strange and nervous around. It used to feel oddly threatening to my sense of self as a lesbian woman, because I didn't really want to feel anything towards guys, but now I recognise that there are so so many types of attraction, and not all of them are romantic or sexual. Sometimes it is aesthetic attraction, where I think a man looks really fantastic and attractive. Other times it's emotional attraction, where I'm really drawn to a guy and I feel like our personalities click. Knowing that attraction comes in many forms has helped me relieve some of that initial stress I felt about not being a 'true lesbian' because I know now that it's normal to have loads of different feelings towards people I'm not interested in dating. I also know now that what I want and who I want to be with in my own mind is the most important factor in determining who I am. I am a lesbian because I say so 🏳️🌈
I'm definitely thinking of you while you're navigating this journey, and completely agree that it's okay to take your time and consider lots of different options and versions of yourself. Be kind to yourself while you're working things out, and know that no matter what you end up finding out about yourself, it is absolutely okay and you are still you ❤️
