Hey all!
First of all, I'd like to apologise for how absent I've been. I know it's not really necessary but man, I feel like I haven't really been around since the forums changed (to be honest, I'm not even entirely sure where to put this thread... A+ modding 😂). Time has absolutely flown this year!
So I just wanted to make a quick update + vent/ chat about some things that have been happening.
Just this Saturday, I had an amazing appointment with a psychiatrist. I have had some bad experiences with psychiatrists, plus it was telehealth, so I was very anxious and not expecting to get much out of it... but it was life-changing. Basically, after speaking to both me and my mum he said he's confident that I meet the criteria for an ADHD diagnosis, and he's happy for my doctor to start me on treatment.
It sounds like a weird thing to be happy about but I'm just... so happy. It's like... here's something that's always been there, and finally... an explanation! All my pain and difficulties feel so valid. For example, my biggest insecurity is how I've always been such a good student, but I struggle so much with assignments and deadlines and handing things in. So much so, that I'm still in my undergrad after 6 or so years. Staying on top of life commitments felt like a nightmare. I've told countless supports these struggles, but the penny never seemed to drop. Treating it like anxiety and doing relaxation exercises didn't work, and treating it like depression didn't work (most of the time I was depressed because I couldn't work!). In fact, my struggles with uni only seemed to get worse once my anxiety treatment started working. Ironically, recently I've grown to miss anxiety as I've felt like it was the thing pushing my brain to just do things... which of course led me to feeling inadequate + depressed. What a vicious cycle!
The day before I had a big chat with my mum and she pointed out that retrospectively, the signs were always there. When I was a kid I was always a perfectionist, and the last to finish any task (despite the fact I was never yelled at or discouraged for being less than perfect!). My earliest memories are all full of times I was told off for daydreaming in class, and feeling so hurt and guilty. My emotions have always been very big, such little things always set me off. Rejection has always been a knife to my chest. Now, whenever I wander around the house on my phone in the middle of doing my eyeliner when there's somewhere we urgently need to go, or if I turn the flame on the stove on then get distracted before putting a pot to boil on... we know why. 😂
One thing that frustrates me though is how something so seemingly obvious could be missed. All my life, despite my struggles, not one person ever suggested ADHD to me. Not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or anyone. It's so stigmatised and misunderstood. I can barely research medication without landing on a page about recreational drug abuse. When speaking to my mum my psychiatrist asked 'why hasn't she been assessed before?' and Mum answered, 'because she's a girl, I was lead to believe it was just a rowdy boys thing'. She's been so supportive in a way I've never really seen from her, she's told me she's frustrated at herself that she missed the signs but she's so happy that I can have an answer. She keeps sending me all these quotes and resources.
I am so, so happy. I have so much support. My new GP (who was recommended to me by my psychologist) is so thorough that he recommends I take some blood tests + a heart check up to make sure my body can handle any meds. I can't believe I finally have a doctor that advocates for me! I also have one of the executives from work checking up on me almost every day. For the first time in my life I have a great group of friends, and I have been meeting up with them.
I get so low sometimes that I always make sure to write down these moments where I am happy to prove that it can exist. This new possibility has made me so excited for the future! 😁 My uni has an option for units to run over summer, so hopefully with some strategies and treatment I can finish my last unit needed and GRADUATE!! And hopefully do honours next year, if I'm up for it!
So there's my update! Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to be around more often! 😍
