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Hi @uncaged
I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine just how heartbroken you are feeling as it is so hard to lose a pet, particularly in those circumstances.
I can see how strongly you feel about not having seen your cat or said goodbye before you went on your holiday. Also, being unable to remember your last moments together and not playing with her as much. I understand how reflecting on these things can make you feel regretful and maybe even a little guilty. However, It is totally normal to feel this way and have these thoughts, and It is also okay to be feeling really sad about everything too. I'd love to know whether you have thought about having a ceremony or thought about doing something similar to reflect on and celebrate the kitten's life?
Also, you should be so proud of yourself for being resilient and courageous by reaching out for support on the forums and being able to reflect during this difficult time. In saying that, I recommend checking out this article here which talks about working through grief and how to help you manage after losing a pet or loved one.
I am also wondering whether you have considered doing some self-care activities? Also, have you spoken to anyone like your mum about how you are feeling?