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Someone please help me i don't know what to do anymore..

ive been alone..

always alone...people in my family know about my problems my issues how i dont hold normal moral standards even in my own family i feel alone they think this issue will go away but it see i have this problem i have a personality thats constantly changing one minute im super happy and its fun time it ice cream untill you throw up than i crash so hard and hate myself even more..


I describe myself as arrogant yes im possibly one of those jerks that thinks himself above everyone else...but at the same time with all these emotions rolling around and slowly tearing my sanity apart i feel so very empty like somethings missing..


i admit my childhood was never a happy one in fact it was cold and distant and isolating..and i was left alone alot..i look back on the photos when i was younger and i cant remember thinking when i was ever genuinly happy the photos from back than look like another kid to me it doesnt feel like me kind of like my grasp on reality is slowly slipping away..


even the slightest fault eg a bad day can lead to suicidal thoughts and self hate...ive always told myself im not good enough not fast enough not strong enough its like i have this complex relationship of loving myself and hating myself at the same time these two opposite emotions are tearing me apart and it isnt even bi-polar heck i wish it was bi-polar it would be easier to deal with..


and im left with these two constantly conflicting emotions always at end on my own always dealing with it on my own....ive nevr really fit in with anyone either im the odd one the wierd one thats avoided socialy akward i dont mix well with others..and im shit scared of being rejected...thats all ive had my whole life..rejection from my own father who couldnt be bothered with me...


rejection from my mother who doesnt help me..


abuse from my older brother....


whats wrong with me? why does everybody hate me i just want to be left alone at the same time all i want is for somone to accept me...wont someone please accept me?


so please help me...i dunno what to do anymore


yours sincerly a beautifull mess

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