My question is how do other people decide what to do with their lives?!    I have a good job/career but I basically see that as a job, I don’t think work is the most important part of life, even if it’s a skilled and stable job with good career prospects. I also spend my entire adolescence believing that I would kill myself before I reached 21 so even though I’m in my 20s I feel like I’m really still at a 14/15yo level of figuring myself out!!    A part of me wants to become a nun (seriously. It’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time and whatever I do I can’t seem to shake the thought). A part of me wants to raise a child as a single parent (this might be impossible though, for a number of reasons). A part of me wants to spend my life with a life partner and not have kids (I’m a lesbian and the though of spending my life with a woman is  ).    Do you just wait and see what happens??? I know I have at least 1/2 more years of just working, but it’d be nice to have a goal in mind so I feel less...empty all the time.  ... View more

Hi all. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been here. I stopped logging on because I knew I wasn’t using the space healthily or productively, but today I was so frustrated, I just had to share to hopefully get some validation.    So I’m moving for work; I thought my job would be at a certain place, and then I found out it will actually be at a different place for 5 months, and then probably at the first place for 7 months. This is extremely frustrating because it means somehow finding housing for 5 months and then moving again, and it’s frustrating because I now have to move to an area I didn’t anticipate moving to and don’t know much about. But, it’s doable and I have almost a month to sort housing out before my contract starts. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and optimistic about it, because after all, I’m still moving out of home and I still have a job.    The problem is that my family (who are way, way over involved) are so, so stressed out about the change. Two (very beloved) relatives called me separately to offer stressed out advice and be pessimistic about everything. My mother doesn’t know yet but I’m sure when I tell her she’ll freak out, be in a bad mood for days, and complain about how stressed and tired she is constantly. Without asking me, my relatives have already started looking for places for me to live and have decided they’ll come over tomorrow to help me.    I’m usually very tolerant of my family and work really hard to keep them happy and as un-anxious as possible, but I’ve just reached the end of my rope...so far today I’ve taken my sister to her doctor’s appointment, bought her more meds, done the grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, and organised dinner, which I’m about to cook. I’m exhausted, and I’m upset that I don’t get to feel stressed or have any emotional reactions to this because I am so run off my feet trying to explain ‘oh it’s not a big deal, I’ve already got this plan and this plan in place, thank you so much for your help, it’s all okay, I’m not even worried at all.’ They’ve been like this the whole time. How do I get everyone to back off and let me deal with this problem (which I am 100% capable of dealing with, I’ve organised housing stuff for other people before) myself??  ... View more

Hi everyone. I haven’t been on much lately because I’ve been struggling a fair bit, I’m sorry. I hope everyone’s okay atm.    I feel like nothing’s helping right now and things are too much. I still do DBT and although the skills are useful sometimes, the individual psychology sessions don’t help me. I see a different counsellor on and off but she’s always cancelling sessions at the last minute and when I do see her, it makes me feel worse, not better. I’m also seeing a peer support worker sometimes because my psychologist reckoned I was too socially isolated, but mostly she just talks about herself and tells me how things will be better when I stop taking care of my family (something that will never happen).    I’m struggling to help my younger sister who has health and mental health issues, I feel constantly anxious about family, sometimes I get up in the night and listen to make sure they’re still breathing. I know that it would help to exercise, to get out of the house, be around other people, go to my favourite places but I can only let myself leave the house for class or appointments. Otherwise I feel too guilty and anxious. I sit on the couch all day because I feel too paralysed and guilty to do anything else, it is so horribly endlessly depressing.    Uni is stressful. My sensory issues are worse. Eating is hard. My memory and concentration are screwed. It takes me hours to get to sleep, then I wake up at 2 or 3 am. Meds don’t help. I’ve been exploring my faith a lot more and putting trust in God but even though it helps it also triggers my OCD. I feel lonely all of the time. I am anxious about my sexuality constantly and it’s worse when I leave the house, it’s even hard to be in class because I feel so worried and scared when I’m around guys. I haven’t been self harming because I’m so scared that if I relapse I’ll be hospitalised or given ECT. The other day my tutor threatened to call an ambulance on me because I had a panic attack in class and said I didn’t want to be alive anymore and I literally had to beg him not to. I absolutely cannot will not go back to hospital.    I feel like I’ve tried every single treatment under the sun and all they’ve taught me is to shut up and act happy so I don’t get screamed at and sedated and humiliated. It’s been almost five years since my first suicide attempt and I still think about killing myself every day (I’m safe as it’s the one thing my psychologist actually cares about and tries to manage). Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. I just get better at being fake happy.    I know if I left home I would be okay but I can’t leave home, at least not for another year or so, so until then I’m treading water and wasting time. And crying, I spend a lot of time crying.    Please just tell me you can hear me. I get so sick of my own voice but I can’t stop talking to myself. The voices in my head never shut up.  ... View more