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- About skyfireinferno99
skyfireinferno9
Super frequent scribe
since
12-01-2019
03-06-2020
95
Posts
7
Kudos
0
Solutions
03-06-2020
01:17 PM
Hi @Andrea-RO I know it's important that I can be independent and I am independent in most parts of my life. I don't have any support from my family and friends and I live alone. It's not an option for me to open up to my work colleagues or my manager either that I am struggling. I wanted to get to a point with my psychologist where I could do fortnightly appointments and I was getting used to it but then lockdown happened and my condition is getting worse every day. It definitely does feel like rejection and abandonment. I have been abandoned by psychologists three times in the past. I have talked to my current psych about managing in between sessions but none of those strategies are working for me. I need more professional support during this time but I don't think I am going to get it. I guess I should accept that my condition is going to get worse everyday, there's nothing I can do about that, I am not going to get the support that I need and there's no hope left for me.
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02-06-2020
11:22 PM
1 Kudo
Hi @Tiny_leaf Thanks for your reply. I don't want to find a new psychologist. It has been working out well with my current one and I have been seeing her for more than a year now. She can't offer me weekly appointments and I need more support. I don't have any support from family and friends. When I am able to go back into the office everyday, my symptoms will be manageable and I think I will be fine with fortnightly appointments. Until then I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried different helplines multiple times but I always feel worse after the call than before. I have tried work EAP but that didn't work out. I have tried other places for the weeks when I don't have appointments but they can't see me because I already have a psychologist. I don't really know what else is left to do. I just need to learn to accept that feeling depressed and distressed and being in intense physical and emotional pain is the new normal for me. I have a suspected eating disorder. I haven't been diagnosed yet but I have spent some time with specialists about that. Medications have caused me to lose my appetite but gain weight, which only makes me feel worse about my body. I do keep foods around that are easy to cook. I have become a picky eater ever since I start medications for ADHD and there's not that many options for me. I usually eat when I am hungry or not feeling sick, but my appetite is all over the place. I love my job and it's all I have in life. I can't afford to screw up at that. I can't focus when I am working from home and I keep thinking about past trauma, how bad things are, how I am all alone and how no one cares about me. I am also really tired because I haven't had a break in more than 3 years along with the lack of sleep. I hate having flashbacks. Usually I am able to divert my attention back to work but these days I have been having them all the time and it's hard to manage. The things that I have tried are journalling, grounding exercises, breathing exercises and listening to music. Yeah I am autistic. I haven't heard about stimming. I might have a look into that.
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02-06-2020
11:09 PM
Hi @Andrea-RO Thanks for your reply. My life is a mess. Things are getting on top of me and I don't know what to do anymore. I really like working with my psychologist. I have been seeing her for more than a year now. The appointments helped me manage my condition and do my job well. I need more support because of the lockdown and she can't do weekly appointments because she wants me to be emotionally independent. It's more about me surviving right now and I have talked to her about this multiple times. She can't see me weekly and that's why I feel that I am a burden on her. She would have agreed to weekly appointments if I wasn't being too much for her. I want to continue working with her and I don't want to find anyone else. I just need more support during the pandemic and be able to survive. I think my symptoms will be manageable and I will be fine with fortnightly appointments when my office opens and I am able to go to work everyday.
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02-06-2020
09:23 PM
Hi @Tiny_leaf I am struggling with a lot right now. I can't focus on my work. I am tired all the time. I keep getting flashbacks about past trauma which leads to panic attacks. I can't sleep or eat or do anything else that will help me function properly.
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02-06-2020
06:11 PM
Hi @Tiny_leaf Thanks for your reply. Yeah we can try that. I have tried so many things but nothing is helping me anymore.
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02-06-2020
05:21 PM
@Janine-RO Thanks for that. I try so much and nothing gets better. Honestly I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what I did to deserve all this pain.
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02-06-2020
04:41 PM
Hi @Janine-RO Things have been really bad for years now, and the pandemic was the last straw to push me off the edge. I was managing before but I can't anymore. When I am not working, I just lie in bed thinking about how bad things are and wait for the days when I have appointments. My psychologist can't offer more support because she thinks I am a burden on her. I have tried other places for additional support in the weeks but they have refused because I already see someone. My family and friends are not supportive and they just think that I am not trying enough. Opening up to the people in my life has always backfired on me. I have tried calling different helplines so many times but every single time I feel worse after the call than before. I am not up for peer mentoring or support groups now. I want help surviving and dealing with depression and the support that I am looking for is one-on-one professional support. I have given up on the hope that I am going to find the support that I need or that things will get better. I don't see a way out anymore.
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02-06-2020
03:41 PM
Hi @Janine-RO Thanks for your reply. It's too much for me to handle. I am physically safe. It's really hard when I feel this distressed all the time and there's nothing I can do. I have tried work EAP as well. The first counsellor I got wasn't very helpful and I had asked for someone else but the waiting times are too long. I don't know what to do anymore. I had also tried lots of places online but they had said that since I already see a clinician, they can't see me even though fortnightly appointments are not enough and I need more support. I guess I need to learn how to accept that I am not going to get the help I need and there's no hope left for me.
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02-06-2020
02:38 PM
Hey everyone,
Hope you all are staying safe and keeping well.
I am back on the forums after a long time. I am having a hard time coping and things are getting on top of me. I can't seem to keep my head above the water. It's all too much and I can't take it anymore. There is no end in sight and I don't know when I'll be able to go into the office.
I have been stuck at home for 3 months now. I had been working from home for longer than others because of a foot injury, which meant I couldn't walk. I already suffer from depression, anxiety, chronic pain, autism and ADHD. Isolation has made things worse and my condition is deteriorating everyday. I live alone and I haven't been home since before Christmas last year (my family lives interstate and I moved out of home last year to start my grad job).
Depression is getting worse and I can't seem to experience any positive feeling at all. I used to like reading, watching TV shows and playing video games but I have lost interest in all of that. I can't seem to do anything. When I am not working, all I do is lie in bed and think about how bad things are, how I am all alone and how no one cares about me. I have also been getting flashbacks of past trauma lately which has been a lot to deal with. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I can't sleep at night, I can't wake up in the morning and I am tired all the time. It's a struggle to get out of bed everyday. I have to force myself to do work every single day because I am on my own, no one cares about me and no one is going to look out for me.
Work is all I have in life but I have lost my focus. I have followed all the recommendations given online regarding working from home but I can't get much done when I am at home. It's taking me longer to do things and I have been making a lot of mistakes, which means that I have to go back and redo things quite a bit. I should also be doing online courses in my spare time, but I can't do that either.
I do see my GP once a week and she has linked me with a psychiatrist who is reviewing medications. I also see a psychologist once a fortnight, which helps but the frequency of appointments is not enough. I had asked for weekly appointments but she can't see me because I am a burden on her. I looked online for other supports for the weeks where I don't have appointments but most of them didn't reply and others that replied said that since I am already seeing a clinician, they can't see me (even when I need more support). I have tried calling helplines multiple times but every time I call I feel worse after the call than before and they invalidate how I am feeling. I don't have any support from my friends and family either. I stay in touch with them but I have to put a mask on in front of them and pretend to be someone I am not.
I don't know what's wrong with me. No matter what I do or how hard I try, nothing gets better. I have tried so many things but nothing is helping. Before the pandemic, I was still depressed and still suffering from different things but at least my symptoms were manageable. The pain is too much for me to handle. I guess I am a lost cause. I am broken and damaged beyond repair. I should learn to accept that feeling this depressed, having no one who cares about me, feeling distressed all the time and being in intense physical and emotional pain is the new normal for me. I should also learn to accept that my condition is going to get worse everyday, I am not going to get the support that I need and that there is no hope left for me.
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03-07-2019
07:00 PM
2 Kudos
Hey @Tiny_leaf Thanks for sending those links :) I'll have a look.
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03-07-2019
06:20 PM
Hey @Claire-RO I have tried a lot and no matter what I do, nothing improves. I don't know what I did to deserve all this. I am in too much pain and I just want the pain to stop but I know it won't. Honestly, nothing helps me feel energised. I have to push myself to get out of bed, go to work and do everything else. Nothing makes me happy anymore and no one cares about me.
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01-07-2019
09:25 PM
1 Kudo
Hey @WheresMySquishy Yeah I can understand how frustrating it is when someone judges you in the first five minutes they meet you and they know nothing about your situation. I know that exercise is not the solution for everything and I agree with you that it needs to be tailored. My physio has given me a tailored program, which he guides me through twice a week. The specialist was dismissive towards me because I am high functioning but they don't understand how much effort it takes to do everyday things like getting out of bed, going to work etc. I can manage to do these things just because I push myself a lot. No one understands how much effort it takes to do anything. It's really hard to deal with chronic pain when I have a lot going on. I don't know what to do anymore. I am sorry to hear that they took so long with you and your sister and it got worse, but I am glad to hear about physio and occupational therapy being stepped up. I hope that it gets better for you both.
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01-07-2019
09:06 PM
Hey @Tiny_leaf Sorry for replying late. I got caught up in some things and I couldn't come online. Yeah I do get told to do yoga too and everything else. I tried so hard and waited so long for that appointment, but in the end, the specialist said that since I am high functioning, nothing can be done. It's not that easy to get up and exercise when on most days I can barely get out of bed. Yeah it would be good if you can post those links here :) I probably would have missed something. I don't know what to do about autism and ADHD. I am getting isolated more and more everyday at work and my friends back home have started drifting apart. My family is not accepting of it either. I know it can't be fixed and I am a lost cause, but my depression is only getting worse because of this.
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29-06-2019
10:48 PM
2 Kudos
Hey @WheresMySquishy Thanks for replying and for posting that information. I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your sister. I am glad that you both found something that worked for you. Even in the past, I have been told that I don't exercise and that's the reason I am in pain and I should just get over it. No one understands how much it hurts and how much effort it takes to do even simple things. The pain specialist said that I am high functioning so nothing can be done. My pain has in fact increased since that appointment with him. I don't think that there's any help for me. I just have to accept it and live with it. No one cares about me anyway. With all things considered and everything else I have going on, I don't think I can try anymore. I did all I can and I am doing all I can to help myself but nothing works and no one cares about me. Like autism and ADHD, it's just something I have to live with. Thanks again for the information. I do hope that things start to look up for you and your sister :)
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28-06-2019
11:43 PM
Hey @Tiny_leaf Thanks for replying. I have been having a hard time accepting my diagnoses. I have always known that I am different and that something is wrong with me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been treated the way I was growing up. Getting the diagnoses gave me some closure, but it's hard accepting that and I don't see any positives in it. No one is accepting of it and when people find out, they end up abandoning me. I feel broken and damaged beyond repair. In terms of chronic pain, I waited months to get that appointment with the pain specialist. It only ended up invalidating my pain. Even if I wanted to see someone else and get a second opinion, there is a huge waiting list for that and I don't have the energy in me to do that. Pain impacts everything that I do. It keeps me up at night and I have to push myself harder to do things which I could do easily before I had pain. I have had scans done and they came out normal but I still feel pain everywhere. I have been going to my physiotherapist and the gym. No matter what I do, nothing improves and I don't think I can keep trying anymore.
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28-06-2019
11:35 PM
Hey @Taylor-RO Thanks for replying. Yeah I have tried meditation and I have used quite a few apps. I got tired of it though. I do acknowledge that my thoughts are coming in and I don't try to fight them. I can't do meditation. It's hard to do them because even doing a minute seems too long. I have been reading self help books and trying to adopt strategies from those to have a more organised life. Chronic pain makes it even harder to deal with life. It does suck with what happened with my work colleagues. I want things to go back to how they were before I opened up but I know that it won't happen. It sucks to be the odd one out and not fit in. It doesn't affect how we work together as a team or the work we do, which is good for now. With my uni friends, I don't think I can ask them that, it's too confronting. I know that everyone is busy but I feel bad when they have time for other people but not me. I have tried those online services that you mentioned but it didn't work out for me. I can't talk on the phone so the only option for me is chatting online. It's a hit and miss with the counsellor I get. It's also hard to keep explaining my situation over and over again and have that connection with them. The only time I have is outside of work and it's when the queues are too long and I can't get in to talk to someone. I have given up on online services for a bit. It's too much effort for me at the moment. I do get regular appointments with my psychologist and in between those, I see my GP. My GP gives me long appointments to talk over things and she takes the time to listen. Yeah I am safe. I am just tired of everything going on for me. I dread getting out of bed because of the pain, both physical and emotional. I haven't had a break in 31 months now and it's taking a toll on me.
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28-06-2019
10:08 PM
Hey @MisoBear Thanks for replying. Yeah it is a struggle living out of home. Last year I had three goals: graduating uni, finding a job and moving out of home. Now that I have achieved all of those, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have a purpose or anything that I am working towards. I have been running on empty and living life on auto pilot. I agree with you that it would be easier to work on one thing but I don't know what to do or how to start. I am stuck and lost and no one cares about me. Chronic pain, ASD and ADHD are permanent and they can't be fixed, so I will have to live like this. I used to challenge the thought that no one cares about me. I tried reaching out to two of my closest friends and they ended up shutting me down. They said that they accepted me for who I am and that they will be there for me no matter what. When I reached out, one of them left me on seen and the other one hasn't replied for more than two weeks. They have time for everyone else but not for me. In my experience, when I opened up to people about my struggles, every single one of them abandoned me. I don't have many friends but I tried to keep up the friendships I have. It's my fault that I am not normal and that is the reason everyone leaves me. Something is fundamentally wrong with me and I am damaged beyond repair. I don't know what I should make of it when people say that they are there for me but they abandon me when I try and reach out. It's not just one or two people, all my friends have done that. I am the only one trying and the friendships have become one-sided. I try all I can but I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lonely and left out and I don't know what I did to deserve all this. I never try to intentionally hurt anyone. I am always nice to everyone but yeah I don't know what I am doing wrong.
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28-06-2019
09:55 PM
Hey @Jay-RO Thanks for replying. I love my job and it's related to what I did at uni. Training has finished and work is a bit slow at the moment. I have to wait until I get assigned to a project. If I don't have anything to do, I keep thinking about how bad things are. Some positive things about my job are that everyone is welcoming at the workplace and we get a lot of opportunities. I am tired of life and I dread getting out of bed. I have to support myself so I push through that and make it to work everyday. I never had friends growing up and I was bullied quite a lot in school because I was different. The first time I ever had friends was when I started uni. Opening up to them about my struggles pushed them away. They got sick of me and ended up abandoning me eventually. The same happened with work friends. It was going well until the mask came off and I opened up to them. It hasn't been the same since then. They ended up isolating me too. All my friendships are one-sided. I am the only one putting in all the effort and I get nothing in return. Going out to events and clubs is not an option for me unfortunately. It's really hard in loud and crowded places and it brings on sensory overload. I have to wear noise cancelling headphones quite often when I have to do things like grocery shopping or walking to work. No one cares about me and I know that I am a lost cause because chronic pain, ASD and ADHD cannot be fixed. With everything that happened in the past few months, the evidence confirms that no one cares and I am a lost cause. If I could take a break, I want to switch off and not worry about things. I don't want to think about how shit my life is. I want to spend time with someone who cares and talk to them. I just want a break from everything to be honest. I have talked to my psych about all of this and we have been working on it but yeah its pretty hard when I feel like this all the time.
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27-06-2019
11:09 PM
Hey all, Sorry I haven't been on the forums for a while now. I moved out of home for work interstate a few months back. I finished uni last year and started a grad job. I left my friends and family back home and I have no one here. I feel really lonely and isolated. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and I have been on medications for that for a long time now. I love my job but I dread going to work everyday. It's a struggle to get out of bed every morning and go to work. It's only been a few months since I got my diagnoses for Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD. I have been having a hard time accepting that. I haven't disclosed these at work and if I did, I think that it will lead to more harm than good. I have been pretending everyday that things are fine when they are not and it's really draining. I tried making friends here but it didn't work out. They all were supportive at the start but once they found out about the diagnoses, they isolated me. People only talk to me if they need something from me. I made the effort to go out after work every week but this week they completely cut me off. They all went out last night and I was the only one not invited. This is not the first time but it still hurts. I have drifted apart from my friends back home too. I tried staying in touch but they stopped replying to my messages. I have always been the first one to initiate contact, but I don't get anything out of it. They said that they would be there for me but their actions show otherwise. The most recent example is me texting my friend and he hasn't replied in more than two weeks now. It's not the first time and he only messages me if he wants something from me. I know that people can be busy but it still hurts. Both my friends back home and at work have time for each other and not for me. It is pretty clear that no one cares about me. I am tired and I feel really burnt out. I haven't had a break in 31 months now and I don't think I can get one anytime soon. I suffer from chronic pain too. It has been going on for more than a year now. I saw a pain specialist last week and they said that nothing can be done. It was my last hope at getting better, but that's gone now. They said that I have to live with pain and it's in my head. I have been doing all I can to help with pain: seeing a physiotherapist, medications and going to the gym, but nothing is helping. I am seeing a psychologist and I have a good GP but that's the only support I have. I am all on my own and even though I try to distract myself with work, it doesn't help. I have tried everything I can and I guess I am a lost cause. My diagnoses cannot be fixed, I will always be in pain and no one cares about me and what I do. I am safe but I don't know what to do anymore. I struggle with life every single day and I have lost all hope. I am on my own and I know that no one cares. I am different and damaged beyond repair. Sorry for the long winded post.
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18-02-2019
09:15 AM
Sorry for not being active for the past couple of days. I just wanted to post an update. I have managed to find full time work and move interstate. I am in a much better place now because I have the grad job and I can start my career. There are things that I haven't dealt with and I do have a lot going on, but I don't have much support here. My friends and family are back home. I have also had some medication changes which has been hard to deal with. I might just start a new thread about those things soon, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone for listening to me and supporting me.
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05-02-2019
09:39 PM
1 Kudo
Hey @Jay-RO Thanks for the link, I'll check it out. At uni, I worked best at night so I would do tasks that required more concentration then, such as working on assignments. In the mornings and during the day, I would do tasks like writing notes or completing readings. I used to find it hard to get started but I had to get things done because I had deadlines to meet. It will be a good idea to start a new thread on starting things. I'll leave this one for when I need more support on my situation.
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05-02-2019
01:16 PM
Hey @letitgo I have a plan on how I will apply for jobs. I have mapped out the opening and closing dates of grad programs. I have broken it down into smaller tasks like updating my resume, researching the company, writing a cover letter etc. It just seems to be too much effort and I can barely get started. If I don't apply, I will miss out this year. I have to apply but I can't get started.
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04-02-2019
02:53 PM
Hey @gina-RO I only started this job a few months back and it's casual work so I don't get leave. I can work whenever I want to as long as I get my tasks done, so its flexible in that way. I didn't get a break in the past two years because I was studying full time at uni. I graduated in December last year. It's too big of a risk to take a day or two off because of my thoughts. I feel a bit okay when I am working and I find it hard to cope when I am not. Today is one of the days when I can't focus on anything at all. I have been at work all day and I barely got anything done. I also have to apply for full time grad jobs this month, but I am dreading it so much. It takes so much effort and time.
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04-02-2019
02:36 PM
I don't know what to do anymore. I have been trying to get work done but I can't focus at all. I feel pretty tired and burnt out from not being able to take a break for the past two years. I feel pretty lonely but there is nothing I can do about it. At this point, I really wish I had some support but I don't think that I will ever get it. It really sucks to be in this position.
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04-02-2019
12:12 PM
Hey @Esperanza67 Its pretty tough living like this when my mental health is so bad. I don’t have any support for my diagnoses either. My psychologist would have been good but I don’t have that option anymore. My GP is managing the medication side of things but other than that, I have nothing. My friends and family don’t care and I got abandoned by my psych. I still feel the same today. I feel pretty lonely but there is nothing I can do. I came in to work today but I can’t focus on my work and I can barely get anything done.
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03-02-2019
10:09 PM
Hey @Taylor-RO Thanks for saying that <3 I am still finding it hard to cope even when I am doing the best I can. I have to go to bed soon and I always have a hard time sleeping. I am constantly tired and I can't seem to switch off and take a break. I don't know what to do anymore. Today has been harder than yesterday and tomorrow will be harder than today. Everyday is harder for me than the previous day :(
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03-02-2019
09:18 PM
Another day has passed and I still feel the same. I just want the pain to stop. I have work tomorrow, which will help distract me a bit. I am having a hard time tonight dealing with my thoughts.
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03-02-2019
01:13 PM
Hey @Esperanza67 Thank you <3 I got abandoned twice by psychologists, who I trusted a lot. They had private practices, but they didn't want to see me there. I didn't get a reason either on why they left me. I can't go through that pain again. I don't want to start all over again with someone new because the risk of abandonment outweighs the benefits. I don't think I will ever go back to seeing a psychologist ever again because of what happened. I have given up on all hope that things can get better for me. I have to live like this. I have tried online services too, they don't help. I can't talk on the phone, so that's not an option for me. I have tried everything I could. My friends and family don't care anymore. Things have been worse and it's hard to manage after I got the diagnoses of Asperger's and ADHD.
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02-02-2019
11:34 PM
Hey @mrmusic Yeah it's pretty tough living like this, but I just need some help accepting that things will never change and I am not meant to have a good life. Honestly, all I want in my life is my career and I can't have that when my mental and physical health is so bad. On top of all that, I feel lonely a lot of the time. I don't really know how I can be helped. I wish I did. I know that talking to someone face-to-face helps but I don't have that anymore and I'll never be able to go back.
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My Recent High Fives Received
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| 2 | 29-06-2019 10:48 PM | |
| 1 | 05-02-2019 09:39 PM |
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