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ruthxxx
Super frequent scribe
since
27-09-2019
27-01-2021
126
Posts
93
Kudos
0
Solutions
27-01-2021
01:25 PM
I think it might because I don't think they are intentionally doing it but idk I've become so emotional over the little things. Idk I feel like I might be overthinking or making a big deal out of it and that's probably why I haven't talked to my friends about this. I went for 2 sessions and then she never called me back so I kinda just left it cause I felt like it wasn't really helping anyway.
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26-01-2021
10:40 AM
struggling with my self confidence Its been a while and honestly idk. Life is still pretty shit. I kinda just feel like I'm floating all by myself in a vacuum. Unable to breathe but no one to call for help. It's like I want to be included in things like being the person people could go for help or just to hang out and I just feel like my presence is just there cause it's there not because people want me to be there. Idk if that made sense but that's just how I feel. I just feel like I don't have anyone I can call my best friend or close friend cause there’s no one of my minds where I could rely on for help other than having fun and most of the time I just feel left out. Like at school sometimes I would go to the library to study or do work and I just make up an excuse saying I'm busy after school or I just want to get shit done. But in all honestly, I'm doing it because I don't want to hang out with my friends. It's not that I hate them or dislike them it's just I feel so out of place when I'm with them. They all know shit I don't know so they start talking about it using code names and specific words, they all laugh or give that look and I'm just standing there lost or pretending to go on my phone. It's awkward as fuck and I just feel even more alone. Like I just want to cry cause I need someone so bad but I don't have anyone and honestly, I don't think I deserve anyone either. School used to be a place where I was happy like a place to escape from home and I love it too much. I wouldn’t dare miss school like I would come to school even if I was sick back in the day. But now school feels even worse than home. School just feels like someone is continuously wrapping their fingers around my throat and one slight emotion and ill break down. There are times where I have to breathe and take a break from everyone by going into a bathroom stall and preventing I need to pee just so I can force myself from not breaking down. It's hard and I hate how I feel day today. I went to the school counsellor and I honestly I wasn’t surprised. It was shit. That's all I can say. Yes, I guess spilling all my feelings and thoughts finally to someone after a year did make me feel better but the little exercises we did not help at all. She did not give me any advice that I had previously been given. This was exactly like my counsellor before. I just really want to graduate. leave. Never see my friends again. Honestly leave my house and move over state and change who I am. I think I just need space and time and I just feel like if I go uni overstate with just myself, I can have a go-to find myself. My purpose. My reason for existence? I don't want to go deep lmao but I just feel so grounded and most of the time I just don't know how I feel about anything. I've lost interest in so many things and the only thing keeping my going is I honestly don't know. I blanked out. I mean why am I still here? Every day feels like such a blur. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I attempt to finish my homework. I procrastinate. I eat lunch. I count my calories. I start to regret eating so much lunch. I convince myself I deserve a milo bar. I eat the milo bar. I regret it. I get tired. I eat dinner. I attempt to calculate how many calories I have left. I accidentally go over calories. I guilt-trip myself. I start feeling my stomach. It feels bloated. I feel like shit. I eat another milo bar. Fuck might as well eat the rest of the family pack chips packet amirite?. sleep. Repeat I just feel like I need someone to confirm that they care. That they would be there for me cause at this rate I feel like no one would be. I want that person in my life to tell me if there is one cause I feel like there isn’t. I know how I feel isn’t normal. I mean, of course, it isn’t. I'm daily stressed. And im daily presenting that I'm fuckin alright when it's fucking clear that I'm not. (I just want to state that I wrote this a month ago and I'm safe atm but I'm still struggling)
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04-09-2020
11:48 AM
idk like I told some of my other friends about it and they told me to just leave it alone cause she's sorta the person who creates drama for no reason. idk im just dealing with my own shit so I just dont rlly feel like talking it with her and asking if she really is pissed or not?? idk if confronting her is the best solution or if I should just let it be?? idk but it gets so awks whenever we talk in groups cause she just ignored me... but I honestly though about it and I cant think of one reason why she could be angry at me so idk what to do... I just want to thank everyone who wrote huge paragraphs above...it honestly makes me feel so much better that there's people out there that have experienced or are experiencing something similar to this. I just feel so alone cause everyone around me is so content and happy and Im just brooding on the side all depressed. like I just rlly want to feel different about myself and be genuinely happy with no stress or anxiety... im planning on doing that but idk I just say that im going to do it but I never do?? like I just dont want to deal with my anxiety even though its bothering with my life and interfering. like even though talking to the counsellor did make me feel better, I just want to have that someone who I can talk to like a friend but I feel like I dont rlly have any close friends so like I just feel so left out...
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01-09-2020
10:34 PM
hi sorry for replying so late, I just kinda needed a break from everything. its better than how I was last week but im still struggling a lot. I got pulled out of class to go to the counsellor and I have a feeling my friends in that class knew what it was for? and now im getting super unformatbale and super conscious of myself cause idk I dont want them thinking im messed up?? idk how to explain it. I helped this one friend out last year and we were close but up to recently she's been avoiding me and ignoring me and idk how to feel about that. like she just doesn't speak to me and I thought in the beginning that I was overreacting or overthinking but its been very obvious when we talk in groups cause she just doesn't respond to anything I say. so now idk I just feel so alone and helpless. I have been meeting up with her but idk I dont think its working. like the whole counselling thing. like I told her my goals and what I want to happen in the future and she told me they were good goals but I cant vision myself in such a happy position. like idk how to make myself better and stop feeling so anxious and stressed and idk.
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27-08-2020
08:44 PM
hey @lost_space_expl idk I just feel like they dont care about me like honestly im just there for a laugh and they genuinely wouldn't care if I just left?? Idk I just feel so alone and lost and cause of that I feel like shit all the time and I just keep breaking down over little things cause im so done with my life. I cant stop thinking that people hate me and dont care cause thats honestly what's happenin in my point of view. I just keep reminding myself that im useless and stupid and a waste of space and I just feel the most comfortable when im alone with no one else near me. if my friends was experiencing something similar I would definitely support them and help them out but thats just bc of how I am. like I always put other people infront of myself. like last year one of my friends was going through a major breakup and I helped her emotionally so much but at the same time I was struggling a lot with my anxiety but I just pushed it away without dealing with it and dealt with my friend first?? and now my anxiety is so big and affecting my life more than it was last year. I would totally tell them that I would be there for them and they can always talk to me. but idk whenever I try convince myself that maybe just maybe they might care and listen, im always bombard by the thoughts that im just being stupid and that they would probs shrug it out and pretend like its nothing???
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27-08-2020
08:38 PM
thank you but idk I just feel like im doing smth wrong or maybe im just exaggerating how I feel idk how to explain it. @Bingo1234
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24-08-2020
03:43 PM
idk I just rlly want to avoid them cause I feel like such a shitty friend. I stayed at home today cause I felt sick aswell I did not want to go to school and talk with my friends idk I just rlly want to be alone right now. I just dont want to go to school all sad and then them asking me if im ok and I say im fine? like idk ive been getting more distant with my friends this year and atm I just rlly want to be alone and deal with my shit.
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24-08-2020
01:16 PM
yeh it does feel better, heaps better, thank you! idk im just scared their gonna judge me if I tell them about it and I feel like they wouldn't care if I told them or not. idk I just hate telling people about my worries and troubles and I dont want them to view me differently if I tell them about my struggles...idk how to explain it. idk I just hate the feeling of being vulnerable and weak by telling my worries cause thats how I felt with the counsellor.
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22-08-2020
07:28 PM
2 Kudos
its been a whole year. a whole year since I told myself in one of the topics I had started that I would go and talk to the school counsellor. I know it took me so long but I finally did it and I honestly dont know how to feel. the past few few weeks have been rlly shit and ive been crying myself to sleep cause I just felt so worthless and irrelevant. a few weeks ago I told my maths teacher about my stress and anxiety and she was super supportive about it. yesterday I had stayed behind to ask her a few hw questions when she popped up the question on whether I was okay and I just burst out crying. ive realised that I was just rlly good at hiding how I feel like I act so happy with my friends as a result they probably dont realise how shitty ive been feeling this entire time. she told me I had lost weight and she's probably right cause my anxiety has been affecting my appetite and eating habits. when I told her that I wanted to try the school counsellor she was so sweet about it and spent her entire lunch time organising it. im honestly so grateful and idk I just feel like such a burden to her for spending time on me and dealing with me even though she was assuring that she was alright with it. idk I just feel like when I talk about my problems im just burning someone else with my issues and I hate feeling that way?? so I ended up talking to the counsellor the period after and it just felt so surreal. I just told spilled out all my emotions and thoughts I had kept in the past year and how shitty had felt and the stress and anxiety that was just filling inside of me. it felt good spilling it all out but I felt so shit after when she looked at me all sad and told me that we would work things out together. like I hate it. dealing with this pain and how I just continuously feel like crying whenever I think about it. she said we would meet up every Friday cause she only works on Friday so I guess something is going right. I know I might sound ungrateful idk but I guess im kinda proud that I reached out to my teacher and finally after sooo long talked with the school counsellor. even though I didnt do it myself I did it and now I just feel so sick to my stomach. like I just feel like there's something wrong with me and that it needs to be fixed?? like idk how to explain it but hopefully I feel better and the counselling works out so yay? I havnt been on this forum for so long and the community I was part off so just wanted to express this somewhere. im too scared to tell my friends im going counselling but I feel like they are gonna eventually realise when they see im out of my class every Friday. anyways hope everyone stays safe!!
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20-05-2020
09:53 PM
thank you so much on the support! I am trying not to stress too much and working with my counsellor rlly helped and I dont want to change it to another one. im not sure of the details on why it got cancelled so many times so idk. I want to go talk to the school counsellor but im just so scared to cause I feel like people are going to see me go there and then talk? and I know it sounds silly but I just dont want people knowing what im going through so thats another issue. I will try to check the website out and see if anything works thanks! im working on that thanks!
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19-05-2020
08:54 PM
I dont think anyone cares but I keep crying and I keep beating myself over this. I had a panic attack a few hours after the exam and I feel rlly shit. I want to talk to my counsellor about it but im just pissed at the whole thing. I get corona is messing up their sessions but my mum booked in sessions with my counsellor and every time she did they get cancelled last minute??? so far its been 3 cancellations in the past 2 weeks and im beyond pissed??/ I rlly need her and I needed to talk to her before my exams started. fuck
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19-05-2020
08:52 PM
so last year was a trek. I got myself involved in drama and my whole life kinda turned rlly shit and honestly 2020 has been so difficult and hard. last year I lost a lot of my confidence and self esteem due to the incident that occurred last year (can check my other forums on that) and the extremely crushing exam results I got back. I hated myself cause I went from the 'bit above average' group to the 'bottom rank' group and I beat myself up over it cause I know I can do it but I just fucked up? when my parents found out they were pissed, beyond mad and honestly that made me feel so much worse. its one of the reasons ive distanced myself from my friends and trying so hard on studying. im writing this during exam week which probably isn't the smartest idea but its been day 1 and I already feel so overwhelmed I just have to get this off my chest. writing my feelings on thus forum honestly makes me feel better about myself so here it is. I had my physics exam today and honestly it wasn't too bad. but physics has always been a subject that I havnt been that good that and as soon as the test was over I was pretty confident. I dont wanna seem obnoxious but I worked rlly hard for that test and I wanted to achieve rlly well in it. after discussing with my friends I realised I made soo many silly mistakes and there were answers that I got right but changed last minute making them wrong. I felt so shit. and I know that we 'learn from our mistakes' but ive been giving that excuse to myself too many times and I dont deserve to have that as an excuse. I feel so worthless and stupid like I dont understand how everyone around me aces exams and I feel so lost and I forgot everything I learnt and my mind turns blank. ive tried techniques on memorising and stuff but they never work on me and know im freaking out for all my other exams and basically the hsc which is in a year. its just im trying to up my confidence again cause I keep doubting myself and changing answers and I know I feel so done with life and everything its pissing me off. what is wrong with me? why cant I just be like everyone else and actually be able to remember stuff and ace exams? its like im not tryna be obnoxious but in class im the one who teaches my friends content cause I understand stuff rlly well but in exams I just forget or just confuse everything and I end up trashing the exam?
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19-05-2020
08:42 PM
1 Kudo
omg hii sorry for the extremely late response I would love to be friends
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30-03-2020
08:37 PM
We don't talk about deep stuff anymore its more about the random topics and someone of my close friends have started to become close with other people so she talks about all her deep stuff with them instead of me now? idk I feel like I've lost all my close friends through this and I feel rlly alone and lost. one of my friends had a few mental breakdowns last year cause she was going through a break up and honestly I was the only person that listened to her. I was going through a lot at that time but I helped her out and idk I just rlly wanted to tell her how I felt cause I thought we made this connection cause she opened up to me but I got too scared. however most of my group didn't care cause she's very emotional and always broke up and went back together with her boyfriend and most of my group was done with her. honestly I thot how my friends reacted were pretty shit but idk after seeing how they responded to her I didnt feel like sharing mine thank you ill give that a go
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30-03-2020
10:30 AM
idk I fee like with counselling I need to do it irl or over Skype cause texting it doesn't rlly work for me like idk I don't feel as good as I do when I talk with someone with my voice cause eve thing kind of just flows out. I do talk to them everyday during this break and I used to be super close to them last year so we talk during lunch and recess before. I mean its year 11 and every one in my grade is taking this year super serious and idk they just joke around saying I study too much and idk it hurts cause I'm honestly trying and get so hurt by what they say idk. I used to not care when they said this last year but this year I've been more emotional to it
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28-03-2020
04:31 PM
probably everything. this year I rlly wanted to focus on my exams and make myself and especially my parents proud. and to do this I realised I was pushing my friends away and we kinda became distant and I felt so lost whenever they had inside jokes cause I always tried to ignore them when they talked in class to focus on what they teacher was saying. and even my friends have realised I've become a totally different person to who I was last year and they would joke around about how I was becoming such a nerd and that I need to chill and I know they are just joking around but I keep getting so emotional to whatever people have been saying and I feel hurt cause I'm just trying my best and I feel like I'm being judged for that? idk this year has kinda started off rlly bad but Im trying and cause of this school break we are having I haven't been having a lot of breakdowns and I haven't been getting as emotional as I was
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28-03-2020
04:29 PM
I hate showing my friends that side of me being all vulnerable and all so I'm not as comfortable talking to them about it? its like I hate burdening them about it and I am kinda shown as this 'idgaf' sorta person and I know that I'm hiding my true persona as say but I just feel safe doing that. I've tried online counselling and they weren't as effective as they did not personally know me? I might ask my counsellor thanks for the suggestion...
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26-03-2020
04:50 PM
so its been a while since I've been here. this forum kinda turned into my online diary I guess but a diary that I could get support from people who are going through similar things to me. 2019 was pretty shit and im not going to sugar coat it and say it was fantastic or alright. I've made a lot of mistakes and this year im planning to not repeat them and continue to work on my anxiety that has been a pain in the ass the last couple of weeks and improving myself for the best.
however through the last 3 months, my anxiety has honestly sky rocketed so much and idk why. I've been avoiding having conversation with the boys that used to tease me a lot last year cause of what had happened (read my other forums if ya wanna know ig) and I guess they have moved on. the boy that I was talking about moved schools but I've been randomly seeing him at the station and I get so nervous and scared. like I literally start shaking. and idk why cause I swear im over him. but whenever I see him I low-key get excited but super nervous cause I dont deserve to even look at him in the eye due to what I did to him. but it breaks my heart seeing that hes moved on? like I think about him a lot since he friended me on facebook??? I was like so confused cause I thought he hated me and as soon as I got the app, he was the 2nd person who requested to be my friend. I dont understand what's going through his head. but im planning to stop thinking about him over the corona virus phase I guess (cause im stuck inside my house 24/7 now :((( ) and also my anxiety has been the worst cause I did rlly bad in my exams last year and my parents have lost all hope and trust in me and I rlly need it back? I started counselling but its been tough cause of the corona situation that I haven't seen her in months :(( now that school isn't happening my anxiety has decreased a bit but the past few weeks I have been breaking down at school in the bathrooms and I keep wanting to talk to someone about what im feeling but I keep telling myself that im ok and I dont need it? idk whats wrong with me
anyways enough about me; hope you guys all stay safe and healthy during this corona situation!!
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26-03-2020
04:40 PM
2 Kudos
hii its been a while hasn't it? just going through a lot right now and haven't been the best that I can be so im trying to take a break on social platforms? just wanted to check in today and see on what I've missed out on :) hope you are doing well!!
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06-01-2020
02:29 PM
so my mum organised a headspace counselling session for me so just a few minutes ago I talked to one of the counsellors and they asked me a few questions on why I want to go there and whats wrong. but the problem is that I dont want my mum knowing like the details cause I dont want her to worry even more. like they asked if I self harmed before and I said no cause I feel like if I say yes, my mum would freak and they asked if ive had trouble sleeping and if my school life is ok and I lied and said yes when in truth, its pretty trash. so idk and I was so nervous talking to her over the phone so im terrified to talk to them in real life. like im the sort of person who keeps things to them selves so idk im really nervous cause im first session is like end of January. any advice?
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04-01-2020
11:28 AM
2 Kudos
I totally get what ur going through. this happened to me two years ago when I got accepted into a more academically supported school. I hated the thought of leaving cause that was the year where I opened up to people, made so many new friends and honestly was one of my favourite years. obviously my parents wanted me to go and I cant do much and say 'no' cause honestly I would do anything to make my parents happy which I know isn't always a good thing. I just hated the idea of leaving my friends who have honestly made me into a better person and the idea that I have to restart and go through the whole torturous process of making new friends was honestly heightening my anxiety. a few months into my new school I realised that I didn't rlly belong or so I thought I didn't cause the school was very different from my other one. my old friends barely talked to me and always cancelled plans when I wanted to meet up with them and talk. that point in my class was so shit. I realised my old friends weren't weren't worth it and honestly didn't care and I felt so alone and lost. and now two years into my new school I feel so much more connected. I've met friends that are honestly way better than my old ones and have helped me and supported him in every way possible, I understand your parents not understanding your mental health and I get that cause that's my parents too and I thought I wouldn't find the right people at my new school. but I did and I just wanna say that there's always the chance of making new friendships at your new school and to not stress too much and understand that your real friends will support you in any way even if you move to another school. I promise xx
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04-01-2020
11:15 AM
3 Kudos
im grateful for all the volunteers and communities that are helping each other out during this catastrophe that our country is facing at the moment. no one deserves to lose a home, lose a family member or lose hope for the future so Im grateful for those who are helping each other out even when I cant do much in return!!!
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04-01-2020
11:13 AM
im not that much a cat fan but ur cat is so cuteee and soft I love it!!!
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04-01-2020
11:12 AM
I used to have two rabbits that look exactly like Roxy but we ended up giving them away :(
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04-01-2020
11:12 AM
naw she's so cute!! ahh that's so unfortunate but its such cute name
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09-12-2019
06:54 AM
im not comfortable with any of my parents so talking with them would not be an option. they dont rlly believe in mental health and think its just me overthinking so they wouldn't help... idk I just feel like a burden if I tell people how I feel cause im at my lowest point when I do
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08-12-2019
09:22 PM
1 Kudo
thank you for replying and making me feel a bit for comfortable for sharing qwaht I did cause I did have second thoughts upon it. yes I am safe thanks for asking and I will give the beyond blue resource a go? someone to talk to would be nice im just so uncomfortable telling my friends cause idk how to start the convo with them and I dont want them worrying cause I feel like they wouldn't even care??
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