struggling with my self confidence  Its been a while and honestly idk. Life is still pretty shit. I kinda just feel like I'm floating all by myself in a vacuum. Unable to breathe but no one to call for help. It's like I want to be included in things like being the person people could go for help or just to hang out and I just feel like my presence is just there cause it's there not because people want me to be there. Idk if that made sense but that's just how I feel. I just feel like I don't have anyone I can call my best friend or close friend cause there’s no one of my minds where I could rely on for help other than having fun and most of the time I just feel left out. Like at school sometimes I would go to the library to study or do work and I just make up an excuse saying I'm busy after school or I just want to get shit done. But in all honestly, I'm doing it because I don't want to hang out with my friends. It's not that I hate them or dislike them it's just I feel so out of place when I'm with them. They all know shit I don't know so they start talking about it using code names and specific words, they all laugh or give that look and I'm just standing there lost or pretending to go on my phone. It's awkward as fuck and I just feel even more alone. Like I just want to cry cause I need someone so bad but I don't have anyone and honestly, I don't think I deserve anyone either. School used to be a place where I was happy like a place to escape from home and I love it too much. I wouldn’t dare miss school like I would come to school even if I was sick back in the day. But now school feels even worse than home. School just feels like someone is continuously wrapping their fingers around my throat and one slight emotion and ill break down. There are times where I have to breathe and take a break from everyone by going into a bathroom stall and preventing I need to pee just so I can force myself from not breaking down. It's hard and I hate how I feel day today. I went to the school counsellor and I honestly I wasn’t surprised. It was shit. That's all I can say. Yes, I guess spilling all my feelings and thoughts finally to someone after a year did make me feel better but the little exercises we did not help at all. She did not give me any advice that I had previously been given. This was exactly like my counsellor before. I just really want to graduate. leave. Never see my friends again. Honestly leave my house and move over state and change who I am. I think I just need space and time and I just feel like if I go uni overstate with just myself, I can have a go-to find myself. My purpose. My reason for existence? I don't want to go deep lmao but I just feel so grounded and most of the time I just don't know how I feel about anything. I've lost interest in so many things and the only thing keeping my going is   I honestly don't know. I blanked out. I mean why am I still here? Every day feels like such a blur. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I attempt to finish my homework. I procrastinate. I eat lunch. I count my calories. I start to regret eating so much lunch. I convince myself I deserve a milo bar. I eat the milo bar. I regret it. I get tired. I eat dinner. I attempt to calculate how many calories I have left. I accidentally go over calories. I guilt-trip myself. I start feeling my stomach. It feels bloated. I feel like shit. I eat another milo bar. Fuck might as well eat the rest of the family pack chips packet amirite?. sleep. Repeat   I just feel like I need someone to confirm that they care. That they would be there for me cause at this rate I feel like no one would be. I want that person in my life to tell me if there is one cause I feel like there isn’t.     I know how I feel isn’t normal. I mean, of course, it isn’t. I'm daily stressed. And im daily presenting that I'm fuckin alright when it's fucking clear that I'm not.   (I just want to state that I wrote this a month ago and I'm safe atm but I'm still struggling) ... View more

its been a whole year. a whole year since I told myself in one of the topics I had started that I would go and talk to the school counsellor. I know it took me so long but I finally did it and I honestly dont know how to feel. the past few few weeks have been rlly shit and ive been crying myself to sleep cause I just felt so worthless and irrelevant. a few weeks ago I told my maths teacher about my stress and anxiety and she was super supportive about it. yesterday I had stayed behind to ask her a few hw questions when she popped up the question on whether I was okay and I just burst out crying. ive realised that I was just rlly good at hiding how I feel like I act so happy with my friends as a result they probably dont realise how shitty ive been feeling this entire time. she told me I had lost weight and she's probably right cause my anxiety has been affecting my appetite and eating habits. when I told her that I wanted to try the school counsellor she was so sweet about it and spent her entire lunch time organising it. im honestly so grateful and idk I just feel like such a burden to her for spending time on me and dealing with me even though she was assuring that she was alright with it. idk I just feel like when I talk about my problems im just burning someone else with my issues and I hate feeling that way?? so I ended up talking to the counsellor the period after and it just felt so surreal. I just told spilled out all my emotions and thoughts I had kept in the past year and how shitty had felt and the stress and anxiety that was just filling inside of me. it felt good spilling it all out but I felt so shit after when she looked at me all sad and told me that we would work things out together. like I hate it. dealing with this pain and how I just continuously feel like crying whenever I think about it. she said we would meet up every Friday cause she only works on Friday so I guess something is going right.    I know I might sound ungrateful idk but I guess im kinda proud that I reached out to my teacher and finally after sooo long talked with the school counsellor. even though I didnt do it myself I did it and now I just feel so sick to my stomach. like I just feel like there's something wrong with me and that it needs to be fixed?? like idk how to explain it but hopefully I feel better and the counselling works out so yay?   I havnt been on this forum for so long and the community I was part off so just wanted to express this somewhere. im too scared to tell my friends im going counselling but I feel like they are gonna eventually realise when they see im out of my class every Friday.    anyways hope everyone stays safe!! ... View more

so last year was a trek. I got myself involved in drama and my whole life kinda turned rlly shit and honestly 2020 has been so difficult and hard. last year I lost a lot of my confidence and self esteem due to the incident that occurred last year (can check my other forums on that) and the extremely crushing exam results I got back. I hated myself cause I went from the 'bit above average' group to the 'bottom rank' group and I beat myself up over it cause I know I can do it but I just fucked up? when my parents found out they were pissed, beyond mad and honestly that made me feel so much worse. its one of the reasons ive distanced myself from my friends and trying so hard on studying.    im writing this during exam week which probably isn't the smartest idea but its been day 1 and I already feel so overwhelmed I just have to get this off my chest. writing my feelings on thus forum honestly makes me feel better about myself so here it is. I had my physics exam today and honestly it wasn't too bad. but physics has always been a subject that I havnt been that good that and as soon as the test was over I was pretty confident. I dont wanna seem obnoxious but I worked rlly hard for that test and I wanted to achieve rlly well in it. after discussing with my friends I realised I made soo many silly mistakes and there were answers that I got right but changed last minute making them wrong. I felt so shit. and I know  that we 'learn from our mistakes' but ive been giving that excuse to myself too many times and I dont deserve to have that as an excuse. I feel so worthless and stupid like I dont understand how everyone around me aces exams and I feel so lost and I forgot everything I learnt and my mind turns blank. ive tried techniques on memorising and stuff but they never work on me and know im freaking out for all my other exams and basically the hsc which is in a year. its just im trying to up my confidence again cause I keep doubting myself and changing answers and I know I feel so done with life and everything its pissing me off. what is wrong with me? why cant I just be like everyone else and actually be able to remember stuff and ace exams? its like im not tryna be obnoxious but in class im the one who teaches my friends content cause I understand stuff rlly well but in exams I just forget or just confuse everything and I end up trashing the exam?  ... View more

so its been a while since I've been here. this forum kinda turned into my online diary I guess but a diary that I could get support from people who are going through similar things to me. 2019 was pretty shit and im not going to sugar coat it and say it was fantastic or alright. I've made a lot of mistakes and this year im planning to not repeat them and continue to work on my anxiety that has been a pain in the ass the last couple of weeks and improving myself for the best.    however through the last 3 months, my anxiety has honestly sky rocketed so much and idk why. I've been avoiding having conversation with the boys that used to tease me a lot last year cause of what had happened (read my other forums if ya wanna know ig) and I guess they have moved on. the boy that I was talking about moved schools but I've been randomly seeing him at the station and I get so nervous and scared. like I literally start shaking. and idk why cause I swear im over him. but whenever I see him I low-key get excited but super nervous cause I dont deserve to even look at him in the eye due to what I did to him. but it breaks my heart seeing that hes moved on? like I think about him a lot since he friended me on facebook??? I was like so confused cause I thought he hated me and as soon as I got the app, he was the 2nd person who requested to be my friend. I dont understand what's going through his head. but im planning to stop thinking about him over the corona virus phase I guess (cause im stuck inside my house 24/7 now :((( ) and also my anxiety has been the worst cause I did rlly bad in my exams last year and my parents have lost all hope and trust in me and I rlly need it back? I started counselling but its been tough cause of the corona situation that I haven't seen her in months :(( now that school isn't happening my anxiety has decreased a bit but the past few weeks I have been breaking down at school in the bathrooms and I keep wanting to talk to someone about what im feeling but I keep telling myself that im ok and I dont need it? idk whats wrong with me   anyways enough about me; hope you guys all stay safe and healthy during this corona situation!!  ... View more

so my mum organised a headspace counselling session for me so just a few minutes ago I talked to one of the counsellors and they asked me a few questions on why I want to go there and whats wrong. but the problem is that I dont want my mum knowing like the details cause I dont want her to worry even more. like they asked if I self harmed before and I said no cause I feel like if I say yes, my mum would freak and they asked if ive had trouble sleeping and if my school life is ok and I lied and said yes when in truth, its pretty trash. so idk and I was so nervous talking to her over the phone so im terrified to talk to them in real life. like im the sort of person who keeps things to them selves so idk im really nervous cause im first session is like end of January. any advice?  ... View more