so last year was a trek. I got myself involved in drama and my whole life kinda turned rlly shit and honestly 2020 has been so difficult and hard. last year I lost a lot of my confidence and self esteem due to the incident that occurred last year (can check my other forums on that) and the extremely crushing exam results I got back. I hated myself cause I went from the 'bit above average' group to the 'bottom rank' group and I beat myself up over it cause I know I can do it but I just fucked up? when my parents found out they were pissed, beyond mad and honestly that made me feel so much worse. its one of the reasons ive distanced myself from my friends and trying so hard on studying.    im writing this during exam week which probably isn't the smartest idea but its been day 1 and I already feel so overwhelmed I just have to get this off my chest. writing my feelings on thus forum honestly makes me feel better about myself so here it is. I had my physics exam today and honestly it wasn't too bad. but physics has always been a subject that I havnt been that good that and as soon as the test was over I was pretty confident. I dont wanna seem obnoxious but I worked rlly hard for that test and I wanted to achieve rlly well in it. after discussing with my friends I realised I made soo many silly mistakes and there were answers that I got right but changed last minute making them wrong. I felt so shit. and I know  that we 'learn from our mistakes' but ive been giving that excuse to myself too many times and I dont deserve to have that as an excuse. I feel so worthless and stupid like I dont understand how everyone around me aces exams and I feel so lost and I forgot everything I learnt and my mind turns blank. ive tried techniques on memorising and stuff but they never work on me and know im freaking out for all my other exams and basically the hsc which is in a year. its just im trying to up my confidence again cause I keep doubting myself and changing answers and I know I feel so done with life and everything its pissing me off. what is wrong with me? why cant I just be like everyone else and actually be able to remember stuff and ace exams? its like im not tryna be obnoxious but in class im the one who teaches my friends content cause I understand stuff rlly well but in exams I just forget or just confuse everything and I end up trashing the exam?  ... View more

so its been a while since I've been here. this forum kinda turned into my online diary I guess but a diary that I could get support from people who are going through similar things to me. 2019 was pretty shit and im not going to sugar coat it and say it was fantastic or alright. I've made a lot of mistakes and this year im planning to not repeat them and continue to work on my anxiety that has been a pain in the ass the last couple of weeks and improving myself for the best.    however through the last 3 months, my anxiety has honestly sky rocketed so much and idk why. I've been avoiding having conversation with the boys that used to tease me a lot last year cause of what had happened (read my other forums if ya wanna know ig) and I guess they have moved on. the boy that I was talking about moved schools but I've been randomly seeing him at the station and I get so nervous and scared. like I literally start shaking. and idk why cause I swear im over him. but whenever I see him I low-key get excited but super nervous cause I dont deserve to even look at him in the eye due to what I did to him. but it breaks my heart seeing that hes moved on? like I think about him a lot since he friended me on facebook??? I was like so confused cause I thought he hated me and as soon as I got the app, he was the 2nd person who requested to be my friend. I dont understand what's going through his head. but im planning to stop thinking about him over the corona virus phase I guess (cause im stuck inside my house 24/7 now :((( ) and also my anxiety has been the worst cause I did rlly bad in my exams last year and my parents have lost all hope and trust in me and I rlly need it back? I started counselling but its been tough cause of the corona situation that I haven't seen her in months :(( now that school isn't happening my anxiety has decreased a bit but the past few weeks I have been breaking down at school in the bathrooms and I keep wanting to talk to someone about what im feeling but I keep telling myself that im ok and I dont need it? idk whats wrong with me   anyways enough about me; hope you guys all stay safe and healthy during this corona situation!!  ... View more

so my mum organised a headspace counselling session for me so just a few minutes ago I talked to one of the counsellors and they asked me a few questions on why I want to go there and whats wrong. but the problem is that I dont want my mum knowing like the details cause I dont want her to worry even more. like they asked if I self harmed before and I said no cause I feel like if I say yes, my mum would freak and they asked if ive had trouble sleeping and if my school life is ok and I lied and said yes when in truth, its pretty trash. so idk and I was so nervous talking to her over the phone so im terrified to talk to them in real life. like im the sort of person who keeps things to them selves so idk im really nervous cause im first session is like end of January. any advice?  ... View more

the past few weeks have been really bad. I haven't been sleeping properly usually getting about 4-5 hours of sleep and I havnt been eating either and I'm sick at the moment so I feel even worse. ive been crying way too much and I can feel myself distancing from my friends and feelings rlly unmotivated to do anything and idk I just feel so useless and hopeless and I hate school and life and this entire year has been so shit for me and typing this up is making me cry omg idk I just feel no worth on living or even trying anymore. and its just everything is piling on top of each other that I feel like so overwhelmed and confused. and I keep overthinking about stuff that is worth not thinking about and honestly idk how to change myself for the better cause im trying but its just so hard.  ... View more