Thanks everyone for your contributions! Hope it was a helpful sesh.   I look forward to the next one!  ... View more

If you’re still not sure or are worried about something to do with consent, who can you talk to? ReachOut have a great resource list available. Otherwise I would suggest school counsellors (or any counsellor), your PDHPE teacher, youth workers, or any health professional (including a doctor or nurse).   There is always going to be someone who is happy to listen and help. Consent is really important, so make sure you chat to someone if you're at all worried!  ... View more

@OceanMaster1207 thanks! and it warms the cockles (pun intended) of my heart that people are just as keen to talk about it as I am!   ... View more

@Ben-RO How can we learn better sex communication skills? Start practicing! From the very first kisses with someone we can start modelling consent and communication. Like "that feels good" or "can you go a bit slower/faster/harder/softer" is a really nice way to introduce the conversation.    We also need to improve the sex ed in schools, which is part of my job at Family Planning! Teachers find it awkward to chat to students about sex, so then the students feels awkward in return and get the idea that talking about sex IS awkward and should be avoided at all costs.   Forums like this are amazing and a great way to engage in open and honest discussions in a way which is less threatening than face-to-face! ... View more

From my experience running sex education with young people (and adults), a lot of us just don't really know how to communicate BEFORE, DURING and AFTER sex, or any sexual act. We don't have opportunities to practice using the right words or terms of phrases, so when it comes to the heat of the moment, we really struggle to put things into proper sentences about what we want and don't want. This extends to people not being able to say "actually I think we should use a condom", through to "I really don't like it when you grab my ass", for example.   We need to learn better communication skills for sex.  ... View more

Totally, @OceanMaster1207 - what a great chat!   Okay, time for another anonymous question. and a bit of a change of pace:   Does consent change when one or more of the involved parties are drunk? If so, how? Yes, drugs and alcohol can inhibit someone’s ability to give consent. When someone is ‘under the influence of alcohol’ they can’t be said to be freely and voluntarily giving full consent, because the alcohol might be clouding their judgement.  If both people are drunk, then it could be said that that are both potential perpetrators of assault and both are potential victims. If someone is drunk or clearly under the influence of something, it’s better just to steer clear of any sexual activity until they’ve sobered up. ... View more

I totally agree that being direct is important. and it's nice that a lot of us are recognising that that can be really difficult, for lots of different reasons. Knowing that you have the right to say 'no', having a variety of techniques you can use to remove yourself from a vulnerable situation, and knowing that support is available are ways to increase people's ability to practice their consent fully!! ... View more

What are some of the ways to let someone know if you’re not feeling comfortable? Ideally, being direct is ideal. Being able to say "you know what, I'm not feeling this". But, in reality, that can be really hard. You can always provide an alternative, like - 'I'm not really into having sex right now, but I'd really like to keep making out if that's okay"?   ... View more

Buzzfeed also comes through with the goods: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu_VexVpZhM   ... View more

You guys have got some great ideas about how to ask for consent in creative ways that don't make it a total down-er. It can be sexy, it can tell you about what the other person wants/likes, and it helps you make sure everyone is feeling safe & comfortable.   It seems like consent can be tricky to navigate, but it's also super important, so worth the effort!   So, the next anonymous question, which really relates to what we have been chatting about so far!    How often should you check someone is okay with something? I was hooking up with a girl for the first time and i asked her if it was okay every time we did something new if you know what i mean. She thought it was weird and i felt a bit stupid for checking so much.   That’s awesome that you were checking in with her! Often it can take people by surprise when you’re super pro-active about consent, but I would encourage you to keep going. You’re being really respectful, and ensuring that both of you are safe and happy with what’s happening. Maybe think about different ways you could ask her about what you’re doing, by saying things like “does that feel good?”, “would you like me to keep doing ____”, or “do you want to ______”. By opening up those lines of communication, you’re going to make things tonnes better for both of you. ... View more

@FootyFan26 yeh, I agree with a lot of what you've said there. Texting isn't great for gaining consent, because it needs to be given at the time and place of the sexual act (or whatever you're doing) taking place. You can't REALLY give consent ahead of time, although that's always good to have AS WELL!  ... View more

It can be tricky to find ways to ask someone for their 'consent' without feeling really dicky. Try to just 'check in' with your partner by asking things like 'does that feel okay?' or 'would you like it if I ....?'. You're checking for consent, but you're also getting to know what they like and don't like, and what feels good for them. jackpot!!!!   that said, you also need to make sure you're clearly getting their consent. 'do you want to ....' and 'are you comfortable with this?' are always good defaults. ... View more

If you don't say yes or no but let it happen even though you're unsure does it count as consent?   No. Consent is not just the absence of a “no”. Even a “maybe” isn’t good enough. Someone must be happy and comfortable with what’s happening, and they can communicate that with “yes” or “that feels good” or “keep going”, or even really keen body language. When in doubt about whether your partner is happy to keep going, check in with them. If you feel like you might have experienced non-consensual sex, I suggest you speak to a service like Rape Crisis to see how you can get the support you need. ... View more

It sounds like everyone here is in pretty much agreement that consent is:  - really important,  - that it is specific to that time and place (meaning, like a few people have said, if you've had sex with the person before it doesn't mean you will again)  - Isn't just the absence of 'no', but an enthusiastic 'yes'!  - can be taken away  - can be sexy!  ... View more

Exactly, @stonepixie - even if you've had sex before, it doesn't mean you will have sex EVERY time.  even if you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean sex is 'on tap' or you are entitled to anything.   consent is important regardless of your relationship to the person or your history with them! ... View more

Totally, @Chessca_H I love that idea of 'enthusiastic' yes!   ... View more

Consent to me is permission-giving. Saying to another person 'yes, I'm keen for that aswell', whether that's through words of actions/behaviour.  Consent is not permanent, it's not fixed. It's fluid - it can change at any time.    To me, consent is a really sexy part of sex! It's really great when someone enthusiastically wants to have sex with you, so... consent is awesome!   ... View more

Hey guys, I'm Giv.   I work at Family Planning NSW, which is a reproductive and sexual health organisation, as an Education Officer. I'm also a sex therapist, which means I am a counsellor specialising in sexual health concerns.   I write a bit for ReachOut sometimes too! Really excited to talk to you all about consent tonight - happy to answer whatever questions you have!     ... View more