Hi… thank you so much for all the support and kind words… sorry I haven't posted much lately… I am currently unwell… I just wanted to share and update you all… I have decided to restore my faith in Jesus… I have learnt to love myself… I feel beautiful… I am on road to recovery… thank you for everything… ... View more

I still feel really sad that after 11 years suicide thoughts have come back… I thought I was doing really well… I just feel like all the steps I've taken over the past 11 years were worthless if I can still get to that point… I need to be ok… I have too many ppl relying on me :( ... View more

Thank you soooo much… I still feel really low, like I don't fit in anywhere… I have been speaking to other people… I have been writing a gratitude diary, have just bought myself a notebook to write things down to get them out of my head… I have also been trying to slow my breathing down at times of high stress… I haven't thought of suicide in 11 years… after speaking with friends I have come to realise the source of my emotional pain is the loss of my son and the fact that I haven't really dealt with it… was busy making sure everybody else was coping ok… then when they were all ok I felt stupid not coping so pushed it all behind me and tried to move on… nothing has been the same again… I just so badly wanted things to be better again… I need help to deal with my emotions… I'm just scared of not finding the right support person I feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of… I don't like crying in front of my friends who see me as such a strong and capable young woman… I'm sorry… I need to feel safe within myself ;( ... View more

Starting to feel like no one actually cares about how I feel… I feel invisible… I seriously thought about ending things this afternoon ... View more

I saw a counselor a while ago but have to see GP first I just can't bring myself to do so… my normal counselor is on long service leave and I am scared bout seeing her replacement again ;( ... View more

Call from mum last night to bitch at me because she feels I don't love her and would rather be with friends then her… I asked her ages ago to come to a comedy show with me… then I forgot about it… she rang to find out when we were going… very nasty when I said it had finished… wanted to know how I could forget, what I did while it was on… why was I with friends instead of out enjoying time with her… told I her I wouldn't have been able to go anyway as I can't afford it so she then went on to bitch to me about how I constantly live above my means and how my hubby influenced me and I can no longer be my own individual person… it didn't matter what I said it wasn't good enough… never has been… she ended the call by saying when I was ready to have a mother again to call… I'm just so tired and warn out… it all hurts too much… I can't be strong all the time for everyone ... View more

I haven't slept much over past few days… have barely eaten … makes me feel nauseous… been in tears on and off… ... View more

Not quite fosterthepeople but on the road there… thanks for your support… and love… it means a lot to me… I now need to find motivation to achieve my dreams and goals ... View more

I have been trying… assignment is due Monday and I'm working all weekend so kinda need to complete it in next 2 days… feeling pretty crap now… feeling so fat, unfit, unhealthy and unorganised… life seems so out of my control ;(… I feel I have no one I can talk to who will listen and truly understand ;( ... View more

My counsellor suggested writing a gratitude diary each day… finding 5 things in each day you are grateful for… it doesn't have to be huge just small things like the sun is shining… I'm yet to see its full benefit however the idea is apparently to change your minds focus… instead of focusing on the negatives you are changing your mind to positive by actively seeking out 5 things to be grateful for each day… maybe this could help you… you said you used to be so strong… I just want to let you know that you are STILL strong… you identified a problem and you came here for help… that takes strength… believe in yourself… we are all here for you xx ... View more

Thanks fosterthepeople… not sure about rocking but I have realised that I can get somewhere without relying or being dependent on others… huge step for me ... View more

Thanks guys… As hard as it is I've decided to move on and focus on me… finish my uni assignment, work heaps and get fit, slim and healthy again… it still hurts and yes I would like some answers just to try make it easier for me to take… I don't like my chances of getting any… however after my counselling session the other day I realised I only get one chance at this life and wasting it on trying to work out why someone chose to remove me as part of their life is not going to get me far… I have my own goals and dreams in life and I can achieve them without her… thank you all for the support and you can be rest assured I will be back… I am fighting all the way ... View more

I just don't feel I belong anywhere… anymore ... View more

I just feel so isolated and lonely… I am not in the mood to talk to anyone… no one understands ... View more

Hi guys… I went to counsellor appointment this morning… cried before I got there and spent first 15 minutes crying… she was ok… found out I'm extremely depressed, severely anxious and mildly stressed… felt good just to talk ... View more

Now both her and her partner have blocked me on fb… I know it probably sounds really silly but it friggen hurts… I don't wish to bother anymore… if she who was the only one who truly understood my pain has given up on me then why should I continue to carry on? ... View more

I thought about the letter but I'm so angry right now I feel I would say some nasty stuff… secondly I'm scared of it just being ignored like the rest of my attempts… as for being important I don't feel it… I feel lost and neglected… I do have other friends but I don't feel they understand what I'm dealing with as well as she did… I am very very scared of falling further apart and disconnecting from things… ... View more

Thanks jay… your response made me cry… I don't feel like doing anything… just giving up altogether… ... View more

Thanks Jay The worst part is that she is a qualified psychologist… how am I expected to place trust in psychologists when my personal friend hurts me this deeply? I don't understand why… I always had trouble connecting with and trusting people… she helped me learn to connect and trust again and now she has done this… I give up… nothing makes sense anymore… she helped me get through so much and gve me support to get where I am today… now she has thrown our friendship away as if it never meant anything… it hurts beyond words and now I'm lost because I have no one else I can turn to who truly understands me ;( ;( ;( ... View more

Today and yesterday were better… I managed to fight the darkness and move forward a little… I am feeling like my friends don't care anymore, however at the same time I'm learning to like myself and my own company better… I spent so many years without friends that I think being alone and happy with myself is probably a better option then constantly trying to get love and acceptance from others ... View more

Thank you so much for all your words and concern. This is the only place I feel people actually care and are willing to help and listen. I feel all my friends have neglected me… no one seems to answer messages or calls anymore and people continually turn down invitations to meet up… as for my counsellor appointment it is not until Thursday morning… thank you for everything guys… it means so much to me… all your help and support has helped me start my assignment… I subscribed to workout last night and it is very very helpful… has given me a small sense of purpose and direction again… everything is not perfect but I just want to thank you all for actually listening and caring enough to respond ... View more

I am actually soooo scared about going to see them that I have seriously considered on many occassions of cancelling the appointment and just waiting until my normal counsellor comes back. I have gone through so much over the years and Im not sure im emotionally strong enough to relive it all. 2 months ago I felt I had everything under control and then it fell apart again. I can not pinpoint exactly why. I have had some really bad stuff happen to me in the last year and managed to keep it under control. The only thng I can equate to how im feeling now is that the seams have come undone and all the grief and emotion I thought was under control has fallen out and its too much for me to handle now. This is why I come here....talking to you guys helps me blurt it all out and feel safe. Im always scared of being judged for being different. I dont see what others see and it frustrates me and them. It hurts me to not be ale to just be happy with who I am. I dont know who that is but I know its not where I a now. I know I can move past this I just feel the rope to higher ground is fraying and there is no more rope left. At the moment I can not see a way out of it.. I feel im in a black hole and a cyclone is surrounding me with my life in it. I just want to be able to have someone to talk to late at night when im home alone and my emotions strike. I feel so alone and trapped in my own dark life. ... View more

Thanks guys   Sadly this is not a new thing to me. I have been feeling like this for almost 5 years now. I dont feel I have anyone in my friends and/or family to talk to as I feel that they dont understand what it feels like and that they will judge me for being this way. I know I need to talk to someone and I have before. I have been to see a counselor before and she was extremely helpful which is why this episode is new. I felt I had learnt how to cope alone. I tried to make an appointment to see her again only to hear that she has taken long service leave. I have made an appointment to see another counsellor at the same service however I have never seen her before and Im scared of having to relive it all again and tell someone new. ... View more