Gender confusion/dysphoria - how do other people deal?
Okay, I'm sorry to start yet another thread (I know I'm super annoying, sorry 😞 ) But idk it's just been really tough lately. Plus I just wanted to sort out my thoughts a bit, I guess. I hope that's okay.
I guess I can kind of break this into three things...
The first one is just confusion. I struggle to comprehend and explain feelings in general, plus gender is such a nebulous concept, so it's kind of just like ?????? The best way I can describe it is like...feeling right is like rainbow feelings and feeling wrong is blue/grey feelings. Unfortunately 'nebulous rainbow coloured concept mapped onto a body' isn't a gender 
Plus some days I just feel nothing so I assume that's feeling like a girl (the gender I was assigned at birth) and other days I kind of feel like a boy, not male and not a man, but...boy? Ish? I also really like zie/hir pronouns.
And then is the dysphoria. I have a lot of problems with my face and other parts of my body because of how they're gendered. Even when I dress more masc I still get seen as a woman (or actually a girl because I look about 16 but you know). Sometimes I self harm, skip meals, or do dangerous things to myself to look different or to cope. Plus I get sad when I see people with features (like facial hair, Adam's apple, deeper voice) that I want but don't have. I've read a lot of tips about dealing with it, and I know in the end there's not going to be a simple magic fix-it, but I'm struggling to accept being in a body that...isn't...mine? Plus there's the constant gendering from everywhere, EVERYWHERE.
And the last thing is the cost of transition making me feel pretty hopeless. Things like surgery, hrt, and even binders cost money that I just don't have and may not have for years if ever. I'm sad because I'm going to have to go into a new uni course still being seen as a girl and officially using a girl's name, and I can't do anything to change that right now. Except maybe wearing a cool Druid cloak to all my classes so nobody can see my face or body shape 🙂
In conclusion:
I used to do a bit of voice training when I was in a choir (higher unfortunately) but I don't know how to retrain it again.
Do you think voice training will help you with your voice? I'm not really sure how but I'm sure there are people out there who do know 🙂
Just want to say that whatever your identity is, society is likely to accept people. For example, at footy training I played on someone who is transgender. Some one called them a her and they did not hesitate to correct and say it's him
This sounds ridiculous but today I used my old email account (the one that uses my birth name) to send an email to my new email account (the one that uses my chosen name) and when I opened up my emails like an hour later I saw the email and I just went '??? Who tf is that???' before I realised it was me and it made me really happy that my birth name isn't instantly recognisable to me anymore. It reminded me that maybe one day I won't have to hear/see it at all 
Also where's the best place to get a binder, I kinda want one now I'm kinda more out.
Another thing is my voice is driving me insane, it's so squeaky and mumbly. I want to sound androgynous. Stupid fucking vocal cords.
And the gender shit is making my ED worse, or is my ED making more confused about my gender.
I wish this shit was easy.
That's really great to hear @redhead! I'm glad some people have been supportive of your name 🙂
I've heard really good things about this company which makes binders, gc2b - https://www.gc2b.co - I don't know of any Australian ones though, unless you decide to bind with sports bras or something similar.
Ah I get the hating-my-voice thing too, it's horrible, hey? I think there are ways to change or train your voice, I can have a look around for you if you want?
@redhead amazing idea; very cool! Could do that with quite a few accessories I would imagine 🙂
I was talking to another patient how I'm not female and stuff and they said maybe it's a result of the trauma I had as a kid.
I got me thinking, Like do I hate being female because of what happened and I don't want anything like that happening again. Kinda confused right now.
And I don't feel up to talking to anyone else about this. It's been hard enough just letting certain people know I don't identify as my sex and that my gender changes.
hey @redhead, that's totally okay.
Sounds like your interaction with that other patient was quite significant for you. It's really brave of you to start talking about your changing gender and confusion.
Are there certain situations where you feel more (or less) confused? Maybe identifying those will help you identify a pattern in the way you're feeling, or people/places/activities that make it easier?
It's a hard subject to think about hey @redhead 😞 I think it's really brave of you to start coming out to certain people about how your gender changes and you're not your sex assigned at birth.
I can see that having experienced trauma would make things that much more complicated. I don't really have any advice as to figuring it out, sorry, but I just think you should remember that whether your gender has been influenced by trauma or not, it's still valid and it's still your gender. And you have a right to identify and express yourself in any way that feels most comfortable.
Sorry @loves netball I didn't realise. I know you're really good at looking after yourself and staying safe, plus you've got your awesome hope box, so please be safe tonight and get help from SCBS or lifeline or triage if you need it. I'm happy to talk more about finding you somewhere safe to talk about your experiences tomorrow if you want to 🙂 
More like @DruidChild, how are you? I just had a quick read of short sads and I hope you stayed safe last night.
I'm a mixture of good and bad. You and @Bree-RO are both far too nice to me 🙂
Bad - because I SH last night (and a lot yesterday but it's minor and should heal); and I had a plan for today.
Good - because I put big ted on me this morning (he squished me), called SCBS, got someone really really nice, we had a chat about things and I brought this stuff up. They said the legislation has recently changed and if it was what it is now, school would have had to report it. They also said I could still report it (but be mindful that it's hard to prove stuff from 10 years ago); they also said I could report the harassment from two years ago. They encouraged me to write everything down and use it to read off to tell my case manager about.
I've also been for a run to stay safe.
Thanks @loves netball, I was safe last night and I'm feeling a bit calmer this morning.
Good. You deserve people being nice to you 🙂
I'm sorry about the SH/plan 😞 But big ted and running are awesome strategies, and it's fantastic that you were able to chat to someone at SCBS about this stuff!! That must have been hard, well done. That's great that you can still report it if you want to, and writing it down to read to your case manager sounds like a good plan. What have you got on for today?
I know this thread is from a while ago, but the last few days I've been finding a bit more clarity about this stuff. This might be a bit random, just trying to sort my thoughts out lol.
The other night I watched this movie called The Danish Girl, it's about a trans woman in the 1920s called Lili. There was a lot of controversy and problematic stuff etc with the movie, but it was still really good imo. At one point Lili says "This isn't my body, Doctor. Please take it away." That may or may not have been when I started crying
Yesterday my counsellor brought up the topic because of a story I'd written to show her and I got to talk more about gender stuff, because she's awesome and very accepting 🙂 She helped talk me through stuff that happened when I was in hospital, mostly hurtful stuff that my psychologist there said to me. And we talked more about how sometimes I feel masculine-ish but not male.
And right now I'm thinking that androgyne might be the best way to describe myself? Because I'm kind of...a boy AND a girl but also something different to boy or girl? Like how purple is purple but it's also red + blue.
Also trying to buy men's clothes when you have a traditionally feminine body shape is so hard!!!
So glad you've found some clarity @DruidChild! I'm also really happy that your counsellor seems so helpful and understanding!
I really like the metaphor of purple also being red + blue. An excellent description!
If there's anything we can do to help you sort this out, we're all here to read/listen! 
@loves netball I agree phone calls can be scary don't be too hard on yourself, it takes time - it's not minor; nothing is minor if it's important to you 🙂 Try and have an okay shift at work, remember the forum will still be here tomorrow for a debrief.
If you feel like you're struggling after work remember your supports, such as SCBS
