Reply
Rookie
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎16-03-2017

Content warning Domestic Abuse - Reactive Abuse - not feeling pain/regret/saddness

[ Edited ]

I don't like talking about it, and have formed somewhat of an emotional block on the whole thing.

I do want to talk about it, but every time I try I just can't.

 

Basically I was in an exrtremelt abusve relationship with my ex from January - November last year.

 

It started small, just calling me names, verbally abusing me, accusing me of cheating.

 

Then went to asking where I was, not liking my friends, not liking ym job, tracking my gps locaiton, to screaming at me for hours if I missed a phone call.

 

I never could go anywhere or do anything without repurcussions.

 

I was only allowed to drink/take substances with him.

 

He would constantly break up with me/withdraw affection to get what he wanted.

 

Arguments, even if they started for somethng he was at fault at, always were so confusing and I always ended up apoligzing.

 

He'd have random outbursts and was so unpredictable that my entire life centred on doing everything I could to prevent them from happening, with no luck.

 

Basically I could wrtite pages on how controlled I was.

 

And every time I left and came back or tried to get police assitance things got worse.

 

For the first 6 months he never layed a hand on me.

 

By the end he was very physically abusive (he did what he could to hurt while not leaving marks) 

 

I was sexually, physically, emotionally and financially abused.

 

Basically he destroyed me, and tormented me for almost a year of my life.

 

What i am here for today is opinions I guess

 

Basically on our final night together he forced drugs down my throat (they make you loopy, and placid and you dont really feel pain) and near killed me. He hurt me so bad I was head to toe with bruises, hand prints on my body, internal bruising to my throat.

 

And the next morning he woke up and straight away started with the emiotional and pyscholigical abuse - and that always got me the worst, the physical stuff I never was fussed over, I'd stare him down and never really feared him - which is pretty stupid considering he's the most cold blooded person I've met and I am sure he's a pyschopath,

 

And i just had enough, I was so upset so mad, so over it, and i hurt him.

 

It's so fucked up.

 

I was so mad, so mad at him for all the shit he did to me, and I for once just wanted to hurt him back - show him that he is not the utoouchable god he makes himself out to be.

 

But i feel nothing. I don't feel guilt, and I don't know if that makes me sick or a pyschopath or something.

 

I just snapped, and it wasn't self defence, I mean he would've hurt me again but he wasn't trying to in that moment.

 

And i have breifly talked about it but am yet to see someone proffessionally because i literally just cant talk about it, not because I am upset ot it hurts too bad, I just dont want to face it I think/don't want to deal with it..

 

 

Highlighted
Community Manager
Posts: 5,308
Registered: ‎20-08-2015

Re: Content warning Domestic Abuse - Reactive Abuse - not feeling pain/regret/saddness

@bowyerj

 

Thank you for sharing your experience here, I can't imagine how tough that would have been to go through let alone to talk about.

 

Feelings and emotions can be very different when things are as incredibly stressful and tough as they were in your circumstances. When things are so tough and different from normal we are also likely to react differently to how we would respond in a normal situation.  Not having feelings, not wanting to think about the situation and everything else that's happening for you are things that many people who have survived abuse experience.

 

If you do seek support, you can let them know that you don't want to talk about what specifically happened to you yet. You don't necessarily need to talk about what happened to get help to figure out what you would like to happen next- if that makes sense.

 

I want to encourage you to seek that support and offer you a smaller step you can take. Rather than having to jump into counselling or something like that. 1800RESPECT can help you understand a bit more about what you're experiencing and how to work through it in a safe way.  They can also refer you on to other types of support - but only if you'd like to do that at this stage, you don't have to Smiley Happy. They also have a text based chat, if you don't feel like talking on the phone.

 

Let us know how you go!

 

 

p.s I just edited your post a little bit, we have some guidelines about mentioning specific methods of harm as it can be triggering for other survivors. You're not in trouble or anything though! Just a heads up.

 

 

 

 

Do you need support?

ReachOut NextStep is a tool that can help you find the best support for you.

Open tool in sidebar
Top High Fived Authors