How do you clarify your values/find out who you are?
I've been doing a ton of work on myself recently, trying to work on the different aspects of my life that were going pretty poorly. This involved body image issues, loneliness/isolation, anxiety, stress, depression, shame, basically everything. I'm kinda at a point now tho (mainly due to therapy), where I feel like I've got some good things in place; I'm socialising more, joined a few classes I'd been meaning to, fixed up a lot of areas of my health. Overall, I've taken some good action to overall improve my mood, and move me towards where I wanna be.
However, in the in-between moments, I just feel kinda empty, like I don't really know what I want to do. I've got my job to keep me occupied during the day, but like outside of that I usually just do my exercise for the day, maybe do a couple chores, then play a video game. It makes sense for me, as I've kinda grown up with the whole 'gifted child' syndrome thing where ur whole identity becomes about grandiosity and earning appraisal from ur parents (basically every choice u make is to impress them rather than choosing what u want). I also did a questionnaire before my first psych session and found one of my main schemas was 'lack of coherent identity', as well as 'people pleasing', which will feed into it, as again, most of my choices are about pleasing others, not what I want. But yeah, like how do you know what you want?
I also wanna add that I feel like lots of my decisions are about avoiding shame, for example, you could say there was a period where I wanted to lose weight, but the reality was I wasn't that far off a healthy weight, and it was just about insecurity. Also, sometimes I can feel ashamed of my own interests, like I really like watching soccer (I went to Europe last year and watched a few games which was dope), but I feel like especially in Australia its hard to find people to connect with on it. I also feel kinda childish with it as an interest, as well as embarrassed as part of me struggles to work out what else I can list as an 'interest' or 'hobby'.
Yeah so I think this can be an interesting discussion. The final step in almost every therapeutic process is usually to 'move towards what you value', but that's a bit tricky when u don't really know what u value. I feel like this is why I can find myself trapped in cycles, I really struggle to do that last step, especially when I lack the feeling of having a coherent identity. I guess an example of where I'm doing it right would be socially, like I value relationships, so I'm taking the steps to move towards building more by organising more plans with people, joining a couple of classes, and working on my social anxiety.
So overall, how do you clarify your values? How do you become aware of and comfortable with your identity? Once you clarify your values, how do you know what action to take? How do you know what you want?
I'd be really interested to see others' takes on this. Hope everyone's having a good night 🙏
Comments
Hi @Mint_Crane,
I think it's awesome how honest and thoughtful your post is. The fact that you’ve taken action, built better routines, and started showing up more socially is huge. 💛
That feeling of emptiness in the in-between moments makes sense. When life used to be all about fixing things, it’s hard to know what to do once things feel more stable.
You’re not alone in struggling with discovering your values. Sometimes the clearest clues come from small gut reactions: What makes you feel genuinely at ease, even if it’s not “impressive”? What stuff feels energising versus draining, even in tiny ways?
All in all, I think it's great that you’re starting with relationships as a value as even picking one area like that and building from it can help things feel more grounded!
I'm wishing you the very best moving forward. 😊
Cheers @SteadySteps
The sentence 'When life used to be all about fixing things, it’s hard to know what to do once things feel more stable' is so real lol. I feel like it also seeps into my conversations with people, like I got no clue what to talk about if it's not deep haha. Genuinely I think my approach is gonna be trial and error. It is genuinely really hard for me to connect with and work out what 'energises' me, as it genuinely feels like everything I do either drains me or is to distract myself. I might try do some things I used to do as a kid again, and see if I genuinely enjoy it nowadays. Also gonna make an effort to see if I can integrate it into a social thing.
Thanks and wishing u the best too!
Hello @Mint_Crane,
This is such a lovely post, and something I can definitely relate to. Finding your identity is so hard, but honestly lately I've been doing well with clarifying my values.
I don't know what else advice to give, except just follow your heart. It can be hard to find your people, but start asking yourself 'does this feel right' or 'do I really want to do this?'. I think a lot of people nowadays are getting sucked into things by peer pressure, so you just need to make sure you feel right about what you're doing.
As a young person, you are still trying to pave your way into the world, as many of us are still! And that's definitely ok and completely normal. So I would just say be YOU. Not the person someone wants you to be, not the person you think you should be, just be you 🙂 Because eventually you'll find your people, and I was lucky to find my people quite early on, but eventually the right people will come and trust me you're purpose will feel so much clearer.
Hope this helped xx
Ye 100% @Waffle11Hi
That is definitely a main focus that helps, trying to not give into peer pressure and stay grounded in ur own morals. I find that's an annoying thing at 22 bc everyone's maturing at different rates, u got some mates who are getting more real and some who are still stuck in the edgy humour phase.
Avoiding peer pressure has been something I've been super bad at tho, I've known for a while some of the people I hang out with aren't good for me yet I still continue to do so haha, I guess it comes from being scared of being alone. I will say I still find value in sticking around with mates rather than cutting them off completely, as I can more easily put myself out there that way, but I am now making more of an effort now to take opportunities to form new relationships, rather than letting them fizzle out (which is very difficult for me).
I also wanted to touch on ur comment about following ur heart. I do understand where ur getting at, however I still struggle with comprehending that bc as I said, most of my urges and desires end up being out of shame and impressing people, so how do you reckon I can truly connect with my actual desires and values? Like the example I brought up, I feel like if I went with my gut I'd still be going to the gym 5 days a week, further perpetuating the shoulder injury I picked up a while back, as well as unhealthy dieting.
Not expecting u to have the key/answer but just curious about ur perspective? Thanks so much for the response tho.
Hi @Mint_Crane
I completely understand your query. To be honest, I really don't have the answer but I will say, and I know it may be hard sometimes, but maybe ask yourself if you're doing things for you instead of for other people? Start doing things because you enjoy them or because it's important to you? I know it's not a completely good answer and I'm sorry I can't help more, but hopefully it clears things up just a bit?
Wishing you well x
Hi @Mint_Crane
Currently reading this first thing in the morning and what a way to wake me up! Thank you for such a thoughtful and insightful post. I'm sure a lot of people will really relate to what you're saying - I do especially.
I wanted to touch on defining your individuality and that feeling of shame when those around don't share that same interest.
What I've recently learnt about individuality, interests, hobbies, etc is that while it can be difficult to find people who already share the same interests - it can be just as rewarding to find people who are willing to listen and consider your interests, even if they themselves do not necessarily relate to it.
That is, embracing anyone's individuality, even if it might be wholly different from yours, is just as special. The other day, my usually quiet co-worker spontaneously started telling me about their figurine collection. Personally, I have no knowledge about that at all - but I fully embraced their enthusiasm and started asking questions to understand more. They're communicating to me that they're comfortable enough to show me this part of their life. I'm telling them that I'm welcoming their thoughts on it (and was almost tempted to buy a figurine myself).
I think taking a break from social media is also a really good way to start figuring out your interests and sense of identity. At the same time it's also a really fantastic way to explore something you're really passionate about.
On one hand, without social media you have more time, you tend to seek out the world around you more and you aren't subconsciously relying on trends you see online to formulate your "interests".
At the same time, should you find something you're really passionate about - social media can help you access a wider reach.
For example, I also really love soccer and I fully agree the Australian culture around soccer isn't as profound as, for example, in England. But I really utilised social media to explore this interest. I would have never become so invested in the Premier League, for example.
Acknowledging this challenge is ultimately the first step, the rest is just a continually ongoing process. Keep it up and let me know what you think 🌻
Yeah interesting @formulafrenzy
I actually stopped using Instagram a few weeks ago and have been feeling some of the positive benefits, but hadn't realised that becoming less reliant on trends and avoiding toxic stigmas would be another benefit.
I think the main thing is sometimes I can feel ashamed of my interests, like I've felt like people can think it's lame to only wanna talk about sport. But I think it's all linked to self esteem, like having the confidence to just talk someone's ear off about what ur interested in (within reason obviously), and realise some people might be more receptive to it than you think (like u with the dude's figurine collection).
Now that I think about it there is a bit of a stigma sometimes in society when it comes to rambling about ur interests, which can lead u to feeling inherently ashamed of it. Like the idea of being a 'nerd' about something and how sometimes people will throw insults around like 'get a life' or 'go outside' which just further degrades ur confidence in what u like. Or how you'd sometimes see those 'POV ur on a date with' memes where there's a guy rambling about something and the girl seems disinterested. I think sometimes we can categorise our likes and dislikes into good and bad, so yeah that's probs why I can feel ashamed of what I personally like coz I reckon it falls more into the negative category.
That being said obviously there's nothing wrong with liking certain things, and as a result it can be especially exciting when u meet people who share ur interests. Such as if I find a soccer guy in the wild lol. Anyway cheers for ur post have a good one 🙏
Hey @Mint_Crane
It can be really difficult to figure out who you are and who you aspire to be, especially as a young person since we haven't had much life experience to try things out. For me, I found it really valuable to literally google a list of values and try to whittle down a top 5 to see what resonated with me the most. I used that information to guide my career aspirations and figure out what I'd enjoy most in life. These don't have to be absolutely set in stone, just some general vibes of what kind of traits you personally relate to and what kinds of traits you wish to have more of in your life.
I think just trying out new things is really valuble in forming your hobbies and interests too. Joining classes is a great way to explore more potential hobbies and to build stronger relationships and community. Volunteering is another often overlooked route which is great for exploring interests.
Also, never be ashamed of your interests - they're who make you you! If it's worth anything I would not at all think watching soccer is a childish hobby, the image in my mind when I think of a soccer fans is all adults. And even if you have a more silly hobby/interest, I think it's much more worth it to embrace silliness because people tend to like others who are unapologetic about who they are. As a guy, I get teased by my friends for my love of knitting and ABBA but those are also the things that form my individuality and others find it an endearing part of me.
It can be really tricky to be comfortable in your identity, and if you're in a rather fluid time where you're figuring out who you want to be then you might not even be able to. I think what worked for me was to embrace whatever makes me happy. It can be hard if you think other people won't like it or judge you for it, but you deserve to surround yourself with the things that make you happy and the people who support whatever makes you happy.
Finding your identity is a lifelong journey and your sense of self will constantly be adapting as you grow so it is definitely no easy feat. We're all on our own journeys and I think figuring out what makes you happy and fulfils you should be everyone's life goal. I hope you discover some hobbies you like and find a sense of direction in life, but there's no rush; young adulthood is about exploring who you are so don't feel like you need to settle into a rigid identity.
Thanks @Appel_banappel
Yeah I think that's the go for now, just trying out some new hobbies and seeing what sticks. I also am gonna try do some deep reflection on my childhood experiences, and what genuinely brought me joy that was unrelated to trying to impress my parents.
I've just got another question about ur point on values. I was thinking about this recently but given that my identity has largely been based on people pleasing and providing for others' needs over my own, how do I know if my 'values' are truly mine, or if they're again feeding into the people pleasing side of me. Like for example, I'd say kindness is one of my values, but at the same time I wonder if that's just because I'm too scared to not be kind. Like it's more of a guilt/shame thing (due to parental trauma) rather than a true inherent desire? This honestly feels like a theme for me, most of my decisions being based on avoiding shame rather than moving towards what I want. But at the same time I still like being kind and compassionate towards people. Argh it's so confusing!
Do you have any thoughts on how you can separate shame and true desire? How I could discover what I want to move towards, not what I want to run away from? Again not expecting u to have the answer/key to the universe's secrets, just interested in ur perspective.
Hey @Mint_Crane
It does sound really difficult trying to figure out how to parse what is truly you when you have so much pressure on yourself to serve others. I'd try and think about what you do that intrinsically fulfils you rather than avoids guilt/shame. Like, does doing a kind act for a friend or going out of your way for someone give you any inherent good feelings and drive you to do more of those behaviours or is it purely being driven by the pressure to serve others? That might help untangle some things. Maybe even doing an activity that represents a value you think might be a core value and then writing down in a journal all the feelings you had during and after that activity could help you untangle whether the core driver of that activity is from your own desire or your pressure to serve others.
Here's some things I found helpful for myself when I was trying to figure out my core values: there's a youtube video of someone explaining how they found their core values and a worksheet with activties to help you find your values. I especially liked in the youtube video doing the litmus tests about 'would I give up this value for $1 million', 'have I sacrificed this value in a time of stress' and 'will I still have this value in 20-50 years'
Hopefully these things help get some clarity on what's important to you. And even if you aren't fully sure yet, doing activites that align with what you think your core values are will be a net positive - it'll either help garner fulfilment in your life or teach you it isn't a core value and you can cross it off your list.
As a personal example of finding activities for values, I think mine are helping others, learning, caring, honesty and optimism so I make sure to do volunteering to let me help and care for others, I spend a lot of time with friends and do things to care for them, I always am honest in my life even when it's to my detriment, I spend my time in and outside of uni learning the things I enjoy and I try to always see the glass half full in everything. What I see as my core values may change with time, but in this moment doing these things fulfil me and help me feel like I'm being the person I want to be which is what really matters.
Good luck in this journey, and there's no wrong answers. It's always perfectly fine to change your mind and exploring things that you don't end up thinking are core values is a learning opportunity not at all a mistake.
Yeah thanks @Appel_banappel ,
I think probably tuning into that feeling of guilt/shame, and seeing if it comes up at all when thinking of doing something that I assume I 'value' is a good way to go about it. Bc ye, I definitely am 'kind' to people bc of people pleasing and the feeling of guilt from not being good to others, yet at the same time I do have moments where I'll genuinely give to someone else and feel good.
Like for example, I've got a mate of mine I've been connecting with and he's been helping me through a lot of my problems, but recently I finally had the opportunity to help him through one of his problems, and it felt super good. Again, I guess it could be because of guilt/shame, bc a part of me always felt bad that I kept venting to him with little reciprocation (not that he made me feel bad), but like I still genuinely liked the feeling of helping him through his shit.
I guess another good way of filtering out the shame is to get good at setting healthy boundaries with people and minimise becoming a doormat. I think a lot of us become a doormat bc of the guilt/shame feeling of not giving to someone else, so if u can minimise that then it'd be easier to see just how much genuine desire you have to, for example, be kind to others.
Lmk what you think and appreciate the discussion so far 🙏
I think that's a good plan @Mint_Crane
And genuine fulfilment and the feeling of guilt/shame don't have to be mutually exclusive. You could definitely value kindness or connection or friendship as well as feeling that pressure to be even more of those things.
Boundaries are a good plan, and what I personally think is even more important is to have an open and honest conversation with people close to you. Your story about your friend really resonated with me because I had something similar: I used to feel so guilty when I had a tough few years and frequently vented to a friend who rarely reciprocated. I remember for years having this guilt build up and up because I was venting so much to him without him really venting back and sort of internally assumed that he was annoyed by how much I vented. But when I finally had an honest conversation with him I realised that he harboured no frustration or anything against me and really appreciated me being so open with him and just said he rarely reciprocated purely because he didn't have a lot of problems to talk about.
Point of all that is to say that being open and honest with people can really help if some of that guilt or shame is due to 'mind reading' where you assume what other people are thinking (which is often assuming they're judging you). Getting that honesty back can either help you realise that your assumptions were wrong and hurting you, or help you have an open channel to try and fix any issues that arise between you and that person if there really is an issue.
And this is a two way street, you can also bring up to the people around you that you don't feel appreciated by them or feel that you are being used by them. If you express how their behaviour makes you feel (rather than trying to blame them) and give actionable steps for how they could make you feel better, then most reasonable would be glad to change their behaviour because everyone wants to make their loved ones feel as happy as they can. And if they did get angry at you for talking about your feelings then that can make it pretty clear that that person doesn't really care about you and your happiness and you don't deserve to have that sort of negativity in your life.
Good luck on your hunt for values and I'd really recommend having an honest talk to the people you have the most guilt/shame towards because it can truly be so eye opening.
Sorry I wanted to add one more thing @Appel_banappel ,
I noticed how the question (on one of the worksheets u showed me) was 'what would you do if people's opinions and money didn't matter, and I genuinely have zero clue what to write. Wondering if you've had the same experience before? It's genuinely so hard when ur whole life u feel like you've just fulfilled others' needs, like I genuinely have no clue who I am or what I want.
Hm @Mint_Crane
Instead of thinking if no one's opinion mattered, what if you reframed it as what would you do if no one wanted anything of you at the time and had no judgement on what you did. If you still can't think of anything or don't know then just skip it since it's just trying to make you think in different situations.
It could be interesting to keep an eye out take note in your day to day life to see whether anything you do is purely motivated by yourself and not by the pressures of others. And if not, writing down a list of things that you would like (maybe buying a food you like or going for a walk in an area you find pretty) and doing those activities for you indepdendent of the needs of others.
Yeah that's genuinely so true @Appel_banappel
That's something I've been considering, as I've noticed one of the pitfalls of reconnecting with old friends is you notice some of the value clashes/comments they'll make about others that just don't sit right with u. Obviously depends on the context, but like I'm gonna try my best to mention if something said doesn't fully sit right with me, and how I'd prefer it if they didn't make those kinds of jokes/comments. Like, for example, I've been trying to rewire my beliefs around body image, but unfortunately some of my mates still kinda carry the judgmental language towards others which never sat right with me and still doesn't. This can be draining to experience when ur in a state of mind in which ur trying to rewire ur beliefs, and u feel like ur being dragged back down to what made u miserable. But like u said u gotta be open and honest and give them the opportunity to respond, rather than sitting quietly and letting the frustration fester.
