How can I stop ghosting?
(TW: Mental health struggles, depression) I know logically ghosting people is bad but I have a bad habit of ghosting friends when I am going through a spiral of depression. Social interactions have always taken a lot of energy for me even though I've come to enjoy them with people I like. However when I am depressed/ low energy they get all the more harder.
Currently I haven't been responding to some of my online friends' messages. I feel so guilty every time I do this but I get stuck in a perpetual state of freezing up when I see their messages because I don't know how to talk about my struggles to them. I glimpsed some of their messages the other day and I saw that they were asking if I was ok. It all just spirals because the longer I don't respond the guiltier I feel but I don't know what to say. What should I do?
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I am sorry to hear what you have been going through, but it is important to acknowledge that you feel bad about the ghosting and it shows self awareness but also how much you care about these people and you aren't intentionally ghosting them, there is a big difference.
I do understand myself about the ghosting and it can be quite challenging but also the effor to socilaise can be incredibly hard sometimes. When it came to reply I would either reply once in the morning and once in the evening, just because it made me feel I was making the effort, which eventually could lead me to replying a bit more often. It helped me feel less guilty and I also wasn't having to give too much energy into the conversation. Sometimes a simple message like "hey at the moment I have a lot going on sorry for the late reply," can help them understand why you might be taking so long to reply.
That message can also open up the conversation on whether you want to discuss whats going on but also a simple response of "its a bit personal at the moment, and I am still processing whats going on." It can help them understand that they can be there to support you but also give you space if thats what you need.
Another favourite response of mine is "hey sorry for the late reply, I have just been socially depleted as of late and taking some time to myself." Again this doesn't provide all the depth but it can help them understand them why you might not be replying so often. It can provide them reassurance that you are okay and you'll be back soon. Just might be a little bit.
Think of these response as like I am out of the office at the moment but I will get back to you when I can kind of response. It might help change your thinking about these repsonse. And its important to remember your friends still care for you and they will welcome you back when you are ready.
Hey @ZeeTheWombat
I hear you completely. Especially when social interactions, whether online or in real life, can become especially draining - we may find being with ourselves a lot more comfortable and habitual.
As @starhlights acknowledged - your feelings of guilt and concern for what your friends think tells me that you're empathetic, caring and considerate.
At the same time, to hear that they're reaching out and asking if you're ok is also a really, really positive sign. Not only does it show that they value your friendship, but that they understand you enough that they're not willing to jump to any unnecessary conclusions. They're being patient - which probably means they're willing to give you time.
It could also mean that when you're ready, your friends are always prepared to welcome you back and would likely be very receptive to how you're feeling.
For now, I think it's enough, as others have suggested, to write a quick message. Maybe 'Hey everyone, I'll reach out soon. Hope you're all well :))' ? Alternatively, you don't necessarily have to interact through comments and conversations. It could be enough to just heart react a comment if you really want to acknowledge your presence or someone else's. This could be really helpful when you're slowly becoming more comfortable with reaching out again. Full blown messages might deter you - but little reactions could be enough.
Finally, 'Ghosting' could be a really negatively connoted word. Its super strong language - kinda brutal and harsh. It's also probably the easiest word to use to describe your situation but you have no malice behind your actions. It might make it easier to think that you're just taking some space, which is very understanable, than outright thinking you'll never talk to them again.
Hope you're feeling a little bit better - you've got this ☺️
I understand how tough it can be to balance wanting to stay connected with the overwhelming energy it takes, especially when you’re going through a tough time. It’s okay to need space, and you don’t have to apologize for it. If it helps, you could send a quick message to your friends, just letting them know you’re struggling and need some time, even if you don’t feel ready to fully explain everything. You don’t have to respond to everything at once—small replies are fine and can still show that you care. It’s important to be kind to yourself through this process. Remember, your friends likely care about you and will understand, so try not to let guilt hold you back from reaching out when you're ready. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and you’re not ghosting them on purpose—it’s just about finding balance while you heal.
I completely understand how you feel—I struggle with this too. That guilt you’re feeling is actually a sign of how much you care about your friendships, which is a good thing, even if it feels heavy right now.
I really like the idea of writing down your thoughts or drafting a message in your notes app before responding. It can help take some of the pressure off figuring out what to say in the moment. And remember, your message doesn’t have to be long or detailed—even something simple like, Hey, I just needed some time to myself to feel better mentally. Thank you for reaching out and thinking of me can go a long way.
Something that has helped me is letting my friends know in advance that if I don’t respond for a little while, it’s not because anything is wrong—I just need some time to myself. That way, when I do need space, they already understand and don’t feel the need to check in excessively.
Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to take time when you need it, and the fact that you’re thinking about this shows how much your friendships mean to you.
Hi ZeeTheWombat,
Thanks for sharing with us a little bit about your experiences. I’m hearing things have been a bit tough for you lately and it sounds like you tend to put this extra pressure on yourself stemming from the guilt of not having the energy to be social and the anxiety of not knowing how to talk to people you care for about these things. That’s a lot on your shoulders, and a tough thing to be beating yourself up about.
Firstly, it’s super valid how you’re feeling. I imagine responding to a text when your energy is depleted feels like an incredibly big hurdle, especially when you’re not sure what to say. And the idea of talking to others about how we’re feeling can feel super challenging and scary!
It sounds like you have some friends who really care for you given that they are checking in, and it’s clear how much you care for them based on these feelings of guilt you describe.
It shows a lot of strength in you that you’re here looking for support in how to open up to your friends. You are not a burden and you deserve support from others- in whatever way you feel is best for you.
If you’re looking for another place to brainstorm some strategies about how you might approach this situation and what you might say to your friends, I would suggest checking out our PeerChat service where you can anonymously talk to a Peer Worker who has lived experience.
Here are a few resources you might find helpful:
https://headsupguys.org/maintaining-friendships-making-new-friends-depression/
https://healthtalk.org/experiences/depression-and-low-mood/friends-and-relationships-3/
https://au.reachout.com/mental-health-issues/depression/self-help-for-depression
We’ve also sent you an email just checking in with you, so keep an eye out for that!
Take care,
-Riley 😊
HI @ZeeTheWombat, thank you for sharing your concerns here.
First I want to say that the fact that you are self-aware and are feeling guilty about ghosting shows that you are a good friend - you care about their feelings and you don't want to hurt them. It is understandable to not have the energy for responding to messages when you are struggling with your mental health, and when socialising already uses up a lot of energy when you're not feeling depressed.
I would suggest responding to a friend's message where they ask if you are okay by saying something like "Sorry for not responding sooner, I've actually been struggling a bit which is why I found it hard to respond" then from there if you feel up to it you could expand more on how you've been feeling, or you could just talk about something else if you'd feel more comfortable doing that. I think if your friends knew that you didn't respond immediately because of your mental health struggles and not because you don't value them or their friendship, then they will be more understanding.
As for not knowing how to talk about your struggles to your friends, I would suggest first just writing out your thoughts and feelings on your notes app without editing anything, then from there you can choose what you feel comfortable sharing with your friends. Remember, you can share as much or as little as you'd like, and perhaps if you haven't opened up to them about this before you can start with something small then, based on their response, you can decide whether to open up more about your mental health.
I would also suggest practising self-compassion, rather than beating yourself up for not responding sooner. You are trying your best and you are going through a tough time at the moment, and feeling guilty is not going to change that - if anything it will make you feel worse and can lead to a cycle of guilt and not responding. Try to be kind to yourself, and practise some self-care.
Finally, perhaps if you are not already seeing someone, you could reach out to a professional for some support with your mental health? They may be able to help you with your depression and low energy.
I hope this helps!
Hey, @ZeeTheWombat I just want to say that I hear you, and you're not alone in feeling this way. When you're struggling with depression, even things you normally enjoy, like social interactions, can feel overwhelming. It makes sense that responding to messages feels hard, especially when guilt starts to build up.
It sounds like you care about your friends and don’t want to ghost them, but when you're in a low place, it becomes really difficult to reach out.
One thing that might help is sending a short, low-effort message—something as simple as, "Hey, I'm having a rough time right now, but I appreciate you checking in. I’ll reply when I have more energy."
This lets your friends know you’re not ignoring them on purpose and takes some of the pressure off.
If even that feels like too much, you could try setting a small goal, like replying to just one person, or using a message template you save for times like this. And remember, real friendships can withstand breaks in communication.
The people who care about you will likely just be happy to know you’re safe.
Be kind to yourself, okay? You’re doing your best, and that’s enough. ❤️
Thank you to everyone who replied I'm going to try to communicate with them that I'm struggling but I appreciate them reaching out to me. I know I tend to think I'm being selfish when I talk about my problems with my friends or family and I'm working on trying to overcome that. Will update on this later!
